Jamboroo: Quoth The Raven [16/1/20]

Well then. That escalated quickly.

I don’t think there was a single person, including in the Titans locker room, who expected the Ravens to lay an egg to quite that extent. The unstoppable machine stopped, and stopped so suddenly that dozens of passengers were thrown to their deaths from the surprise of it all. There were impalements, explosions, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

And now we’re here. Patrick Mahomes gets a good shot at getting to his first Super Bowl, which he will take against Ryan Tannehill. That I have written those words and that they are real seems impossible. If Tennessee manages to pull this off then I vote for Tannehill as the most Trent Dilfer champion QB since Trent Dilfer. Derrick Henry will be the reason this team wins anything, and honestly that Chiefs D should give anyone cause for concern. I was expecting Lamar to be here, ready to carve them like Thanksgiving turkeys, but Henry is perfectly capable of doing that himself.

As for the Ravens, good grief. What a spectacular flameout. The 2019 Tampa Bay Lightning think those guys were shit in the playoffs. They’ll surely be back again next year, and the motivation is there to make sure this nonsense doesn’t recur, but this is a missed opportunity to destroy opponents and get a title before they potentially discover the secret to stopping Jackson’s insane game (should there be such a thing).

But this is also why NFL playoffs are fun. One game, one chance. No other sport has that, you know. There’s no ability to take the L, regroup, and blitz them. You gotta come back on the fly, just ask the Chiefs.

It’s unfortunate we won’t get Lamar on the biggest stage this year, but he definitely made the regular season a lot more interesting than it would have been. Of course, I’m a Lions fan, so I don’t know from interesting football, at least not of the variety that’s close by, aside from that year I spent in Tampa which coincided with their Super Bowl run.

The Games

(As always, rated by Throwgasms)

Five Throwgasms!

Titans @ Chiefs: Well, here we are then. The rematch from two years ago happens after all. Much has changed since then, but I can’t imagine Andy Reid isn’t salivating at tacos…ERR, BBQ ribs…ERR, the chance to repay this franchise for the comeback they undertook to knock his team off. Yeah, that’s it. But to do it, they should probably not start by going down 24-0.

Four Throwgasms

Packers @ 49ers: I don’t know that anybody predicted that this would go any differently, except Seahawks fans. The Packers are stubborn, and their refusal to die is driving us insane. Having to hear about Favre and Rodgers for the last twenty years is enough to annoy the fuck outta someone, especially when that person shares a division with them like me.

Three Throwgasms


Two Throwgasms


One Throwgasm


Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

I know, it’s about as overused a song as there is, but damn do I miss these guys. If the tickets hadn’t been so damn costly, I’d have seen them the last time they came to Detroit. Then all the shit happened. Fuck.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

Gonna step away from my recent trend of political figures for this spot, because I wanna chuck one in the direction of Harvey goddamn Weinstein. Fuck that fucking guy, and that shameless stunt that is him using that walker. You want to know how it’s painfully obvious that he has no regret whatsoever? That move right there. That is sheer showmanship for the purposes of garnering sympathy. Just another form of manipulation. I figured we’d get that, because that’s who this guy is, but I didn’t think it would be so brazen.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Titans +7.5

Them Titans are downright Titanic! Don’t count ‘em out, cuz they’ll pop right up and knock you down!

2019 Magic Record: 8-7-1

Magic Playoff Record 1-1

Fire this Asshole!

  • Jay Gruden—DEAD!
  • Ron Rivera—DEAD! (Back to life as a zombie in WSH)
  • Jason Garrett—DEAD!
  • Pat Shurmur—DEAD!
  • Freddie Kitchens—DEAD!

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Since I’m in Dallas now, I wanna tell you that if you really wanna beat the heat in a Texas summer, just soak your shorts and walk around. The water is very refreshing!

Gratuitous Futurama Quote:

Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn’t going to collapse twice in one day.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

About Constantine 46 Articles
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  1. This article makes me even more sad that my Bills couldn’t get in done against the Texans. Would have been fun to see them take on KC, but alas, it was not to be. Been a fun playoffs this year, I’m ready for Sunday.

    • I watched that game and I can’t say I was terribly surprised that Buffalo Buffaloed.

  2. “but this is a missed opportunity to destroy opponents and get a title before they potentially discover the secret to stopping Jackson’s insane game”

    The thing is…the Titans already displayed the secret to stopping Jackson–and it’s not really a secret at all. It’s the exact same strategy that has been used against every other run-first QB: force them to play QB because they’re not actually good at anything other than running. I promise you that the Ravens will find themselves scratching their heads next year, trying to figure out why they aren’t so scary anymore as Jackson works to crack a 65 QBR. They should make RGIII the QB and convert Jackson to RB–then the rest of the NFL would be in serious trouble.

    Speaking as a Packer fan, I’m honestly shocked that they’ve made it this far and I fully expect them to run into the same buzzsaw that cut them to pieces earlier this season. The 49ers are going to the SB, no question. As for the AFC…that’s a much harder riddle to solve after the past two weeks. I can see either team going and giving the 9ers everything they can handle–and possibly more.

    • I actually think the reason Baltimore lost that game is because they abandoned the run too early. I think they could have easily won that game had they just stuck to the offense they ran all year. I’m fairly sure Ingram’s injury had something to do with that though. I totally agree that the Packers are not near as good as their record indicates but as a Cowboys fan I never count out Rodgers.

  3. Tomsula + Dallas = Gold (foil)

  4. If you scroll back far enough in Handegg on The Discord you’ll notice some idiot said the Ravens will lose in the 1st playoff game. When it came time to put my money where my mouth was I picked the Ravens last week and didn’t play the game. I chickened out because I never trust my 1st feelings. I think the largest factor in the Ravens performance was not playing the 1st team in week 17. We saw the Manning Colts do this year after year when they’d wrap up a division title early they’d rest and lose that 1st playoff game. Argh!!! Trends are trends for a reason and can’t be ignored.

    This week is tough, I really want both AFC teams to win and both NFC to lose. I’d pick the home teams only because that’s what I do most of the time. BUT, and there is always a but, I don’t trust Andy Reid. Never have. Not enough running and protecting field position and the clock late in games. Asking the Titans to win 3 on the road in January is crazy and I can only think of the Steelers doing that in the past. How ironic is it that these Titans look so much like those Steelers?? The one difference would be Tannehill has a few more years under his belt than Ben.

    Play calling concerned me with the Packers last week and I get more and more impressed with the 9ers. I’ve been drinking the Jimmy G kool aid from the get and thought they got a steal in the trade. The 9ers where my pick to click last season but once he got hurt they were toast and the Rams took their place on the stage. The Shanahans have the reputation as West Coast pass 1st but they are far from it. They attacked the strength of the Vikings and crushed them.

    Give me the Titans and the 49ers to meet in South Beach in 2 weeks!!

    Can’t go wrong with AC/DC but I tired of Back in Black in about a minute. It was over played in my circles and took me years before I could listen to it again.

    Since there was no movie selection this week I’d recommend John Wick Chapter 3 on your HBO services. I watched it last week between plays and though it was a tad too long it was still a worthy watch. TBS will run the Hobbitises & Paramount has Junior (we named the dog Indiana) Jones this sunday if needed…

    May the odds forever be in my favor!!

  5. I spent the first quarter of last week’s Chiefs game thinking: “Well, this is a new way for them to rip my guts out. Gotta hand it to them.” But then they came back, and now it feels like momentum is on their side, and nothing can stop them.

    When I looked at the schedule, Chiefs-Titans was my dream scenario. I have a ton of friends who are Packers fans. The Superb Owl could be a wildly entertaining matchup, with the opportunity to surround myself with the people I care about, and spend 4 hours hating them with every fibre of my being.

    Something just feels right for my Chiefies.

    And that, dear readers, is how they’ll rip my guts out this time. And I’ll never see it coming.

    Anyway, I’m not gonna be a wreck on Sunday or anything.

  6. RE: Weinstein. The Onion has this.

  7. Has anyone ever discussed that everyone says his name as though the letters are in a different order? “Farrrve”. But it’s “Favre”. THAT’S NOT THE ORDER THE LETTERS ARE IN, DUDE. Makes my teeth itch every time I hear his name. /pointless gripe

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