Well then. That escalated quickly.
I don’t think there was a single person, including in the Titans locker room, who expected the Ravens to lay an egg to quite that extent. The unstoppable machine stopped, and stopped so suddenly that dozens of passengers were thrown to their deaths from the surprise of it all. There were impalements, explosions, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
And now we’re here. Patrick Mahomes gets a good shot at getting to his first Super Bowl, which he will take against Ryan Tannehill. That I have written those words and that they are real seems impossible. If Tennessee manages to pull this off then I vote for Tannehill as the most Trent Dilfer champion QB since Trent Dilfer. Derrick Henry will be the reason this team wins anything, and honestly that Chiefs D should give anyone cause for concern. I was expecting Lamar to be here, ready to carve them like Thanksgiving turkeys, but Henry is perfectly capable of doing that himself.
As for the Ravens, good grief. What a spectacular flameout. The 2019 Tampa Bay Lightning think those guys were shit in the playoffs. They’ll surely be back again next year, and the motivation is there to make sure this nonsense doesn’t recur, but this is a missed opportunity to destroy opponents and get a title before they potentially discover the secret to stopping Jackson’s insane game (should there be such a thing).
But this is also why NFL playoffs are fun. One game, one chance. No other sport has that, you know. There’s no ability to take the L, regroup, and blitz them. You gotta come back on the fly, just ask the Chiefs.
It’s unfortunate we won’t get Lamar on the biggest stage this year, but he definitely made the regular season a lot more interesting than it would have been. Of course, I’m a Lions fan, so I don’t know from interesting football, at least not of the variety that’s close by, aside from that year I spent in Tampa which coincided with their Super Bowl run.
(As always, rated by Throwgasms)
Titans @ Chiefs: Well, here we are then. The rematch from two years ago happens after all. Much has changed since then, but I can’t imagine Andy Reid isn’t salivating at tacos…ERR, BBQ ribs…ERR, the chance to repay this franchise for the comeback they undertook to knock his team off. Yeah, that’s it. But to do it, they should probably not start by going down 24-0.
Packers @ 49ers: I don’t know that anybody predicted that this would go any differently, except Seahawks fans. The Packers are stubborn, and their refusal to die is driving us insane. Having to hear about Favre and Rodgers for the last twenty years is enough to annoy the fuck outta someone, especially when that person shares a division with them like me.
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
I know, it’s about as overused a song as there is, but damn do I miss these guys. If the tickets hadn’t been so damn costly, I’d have seen them the last time they came to Detroit. Then all the shit happened. Fuck.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Gonna step away from my recent trend of political figures for this spot, because I wanna chuck one in the direction of Harvey goddamn Weinstein. Fuck that fucking guy, and that shameless stunt that is him using that walker. You want to know how it’s painfully obvious that he has no regret whatsoever? That move right there. That is sheer showmanship for the purposes of garnering sympathy. Just another form of manipulation. I figured we’d get that, because that’s who this guy is, but I didn’t think it would be so brazen.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Titans +7.5
Them Titans are downright Titanic! Don’t count ‘em out, cuz they’ll pop right up and knock you down!
2019 Magic Record: 8-7-1
Magic Playoff Record 1-1
Fire this Asshole!
- Jay Gruden—DEAD!
- Ron Rivera—DEAD! (Back to life as a zombie in WSH)
- Jason Garrett—DEAD!
- Pat Shurmur—DEAD!
- Freddie Kitchens—DEAD!
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Since I’m in Dallas now, I wanna tell you that if you really wanna beat the heat in a Texas summer, just soak your shorts and walk around. The water is very refreshing!
Gratuitous Futurama Quote:
Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn’t going to collapse twice in one day.
Enjoy the games, everybody.