Dearest Karen and Chet,
I know that you mean well. No, really, I’m not just saying that. We live in uncertain times, my friends. You feel uneasy, anxious, and otherwise out of control of your fate. Your fight or flight responses are going crazy, and there’s just one group of people who set you off more than any others:
Black people.
Karen and Chet, I understand that you’re not trying to be racist. You’re trying to be safe! You see someone you don’t recognize, or see someone doing something you feel is wrong, and you just have to do something. What if that person is a criminal? It’s not your fault that this alleged criminal just so happens to be black. It could be anyone! You would totally call the cops on your white neighbor Doug if he was being suspicious! (Doug still hasn’t given you back your lawnmower after five years, but I’m sure that doesn’t mean he stole it from you, Chet. Keep telling yourself that.)
Lo, my friends, I regret to inform you that, though you do not think that you’re racist, you are. I know, this might be a bit shocking to you. You voted for Obama twice, after all! (Okay, Chet, we know you didn’t vote for him twice, or even once, but you thought he was a good Dad, even if his wife was a bit too uppity for your tastes, what with wanting your kids to eat healthy and start gardens and all.)
But alas, I am happily volunteering myself to be your One Black Friend that you can brag to your friends about at the next company pot luck! (I know you wanted to try out the latest recipe you saw on Tasty, Karen, but please, don’t bring the potato salad. Every person of color is gonna judge you for it for using Hellman’s instead of Duke’s and it will never have the correct amount of seasoning.) Unlike your old friends De’Quan and KeKe from accounting who have been giving you big “Don’t Fuck With Me” energy since you asked them “why can’t all lives matter?”, I am here to shepherd you into an enlightened whiteness that can make your interactions with people of color much more enjoyable for you, and for them as well!
First up, we’re going to go over a crucial lesson necessary for you to understand if you ever want to *checks notes* be in any sort of public space black people might frequent.
How to deal with strangers.
The first thing to remember when you see an unfamiliar person of color in a public space is quite simple; mind your own gotdamn business. I don’t know how it goes in white households, but in black and brown homes, during childhood we got pinched and otherwise smacked upside the head for being nosy. Or, rather, for not being better at being nosy.
A black or brown person that you don’t recognize being in a public space is not grounds to immediately go on red alert. This may come as a surprise, but they are usually just there to go about their business without hurting anyone. I know Fox News has told you different, Chet, but the black man with his Airpods in working out in the gym is not there to hurt anyone. He, like you, is just trying to get a nice sweat on.
Minding your own gotdamn business has been shown in clinical studies by the Coalition of Black People Who Don’t Fuck With White People and the Center for Advancement of Latinos Who Find The Term “Latinx” to Be Patronizing to prevent 97% of racist acts perpetrated by white people. It is crucial that when you see a black person or a person of color doing some mundane shit, that you not automatically assume they’re going to steal your wallet and force you to watch a Tyler Perry. No black person is that cruel.
Secondly, the thing you must understand, Karen and Chet, is that a black person doing some mundane shit like working out or bird watching or walking down the street doesn’t give a shit about you. This may come as an even bigger surprise than how minding your own gotdamn business can prevent racists acts.
After all, you’re white. Everyone is supposed to give a shit about you, right? The news tells you it’s your votes that matter, your jobs we need to worry about keeping, and your feelings that need to be protected. How can someone not give a shit about you?
Well, it’s the truth. The fact of the matter is that people of color aren’t entirely unlike you. They’ve got bills, husbands, wives, children, assorted family members, co-workers and jobs, just like you. And all of these things, not to mention an entire system of white supremacy, are enough to think about, without wondering why an angry white man in a sleeveless “If You Don’t Like the 2nd Amendment, Check Out These Guns” shirt is staring at them when they’re just trying to get a workout in.
This relates back to my early advise about minding your own business. Here’s an example; I was born in Paterson, New Jersey, and no, not the nice parts. When my mom left my Dad, she got a nice apartment that just so happened to have drug dealers camped out in front of it. Now, if my mom followed the lead of white folks, she would’ve instantly made an enemy out of these men. Instead, my mom minded her own business, and the drug dealers on our front door didn’t give a shit about her. In fact, they were quite friendly. She didn’t mess with them, and therefore they had no reason to mess with her. My mom felt safe enough that she could walk to the corner store and leave us in the house and she was sure that nothing would happen. And nothing ever did.
If you can learn that a person of color doesn’t give a shit about you and what you’re doing, then you can also learn how to not give a shit about them and let them do what they’re doing. This is what we in the colored community like to call “living in peaceful co-existence” with one another.
Things brings us to our last and most important pro tip; resist the urge to call the cops. Aye, I know that you have been led to believe your entire life that the police are your personal security force who are there to remove nuisances from public places. But that’s not what the cops should be used for. The police should only be called when there’s an imminent threat to your life or the life of others, or when an actual crime has been committed. The nice young man who’s sitting outside his own apartment making a phone call and not causing any trouble doesn’t need to be asked by police to go away. He hasn’t done anything wrong but simply exist.
Even in cases where you think there is a chance there is a crime being committed, try to actually observe the crime happening before you call the police.
Also, as an addendum to this, you are not the police. Yet again, I know that you have been led to believe that your whiteness gives you authority over people of color at all times, but I’m afraid that it does not. Whiteness does not automatically deputize you; therefore it is not your job to question, provoke, or otherwise annoy any person of color that you do not know just because you do not know why they’re in your local gym, workplace, apartment complex, Starbucks, Target, Cracker Barrel, Waffle House or other such residences, places of business or public parks.
Attempting to remember these crucial things really will help you, Karen and Chet, in your every day life. Once you learn to mind your own gotdamn business, that no one gives a shit about you, that you shouldn’t always call the cops or that you are not yourself the cops, you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. No longer will you have to stress upon seeing a black person. Instead, you will give as many shits about them as they do about you; zero.
I hope this advice finds you well, and helps you continue to live a long, productive life.
Sincerly yours,
A black person.
I am sad that this actually does need to be spelled out.
If I were better with words I’d attempt to make some sort of relevant joke about dropping truth bombs the same way the US has been real ones literally everywhere else on the planet, but I’m just going to sit here quitely and listen instead.
Bravo. Again.
…feels like it could use more Brett?
…but I guess at some point my mental image of “that guy” got kind of stuck on one of those in particular…so that might just be me?