The opinions voiced are strictly the opinions of the writer and not Deadspin. Any insult or barb is directed at the team.
I originally wrote most of this piece during the 2022 MLB strike and now finished a month into the season…
Here’s a guide to your teams in the 2022 MLB Season:
National League East
Atlanta Braves: Last year’s winner, but no one really cared. They’re a good team that caught Sherman’s fire at the right moment with some enjoyable stars, but the racism of their beloved Tomahawk Chop and team (why did they move to Cobb County?) just makes them insufferable. Also has a team culture that pushes the “right” way to play beseboll. Fuck them. The writer used to enjoy watching them flail in the playoffs but not last year. Will have to suffer their smugness this season but fortunately it won’t last as the next Native American Warrior/Falcons/Hawks epic choke job will put Atlanta fans back into their usual whiny ass state of affairs.
New York Mets/Mess: The team Pythagoras laughs at. It seems that whatever good omens the Yankees have (Jobu, Jeffery Maier, etc) then the Mess must have the opposite. They win sometimes, but then they have to find a way to fuck things up like a team coke addiction, a badly thrown fire cracker, getting into a fight with Tom Seaver or everyone getting Tommy John Surgery. They have a new owner whose hedge fund buddies got their asses handed to him by Wall Street Bets (and accused of pressuring Robinhood to fuck WSB back by limiting trades on certain stocks.) Still better than the previous owners who like to slag former players in the media (as anonymous sources) and benefited from Bernie Maddoff (till they got their asses sued by angry less “lucky” Madoff clients AND LOST.) They had some good moments last year before the Metsness got them. Lost some of their starting pitching to Free Agency and now injury. Either this team will take off with their decent amount of talent or be the Mets which in that case you are better off investing in Robinhood shares (LOL) or Meme Stocks than emotionally investing in this team.
Miami Marlins: Combine the cheap ownership, the lousy state government and the cries of pity the small market while tanking or fire selling makes this the least compelling team in the NL East. Sure Derek “Gold Glover” or “Gift Basket” Jeter left the team, but the stench of the previous owners still remain. Who the hell plays for the Marlins? Your guess is as good as mine. The few Marlins fans might know, but I doubt it.
Philadelphia Phillies: To be a Phillies phan is years of phutility mixed with a few moments of joy. For every Dallas Green and Ruben Amaro there’s a Ruben Amaro willing to sell the farm’s top prospects or Cliff Lee. Sometimes they do the right thing like trade for Roy Halladay and sign a mega extension to Ryan Howard but it blows up in their face like Roy’s back and Ryan’s achillies tendon. They signed ultra talented douche Bryce Harper and then his former team wins the World Series. If they follow the pattern and let him leave then they’ll win a world series like his former team, The Washington Expos. Decent pitching and infield, but horrific outfield defense.
Washington Expos: the writer knows who the hell they are, but they were originally the Expos and that is who they will always be. Unlike the Expos, they actually have money, sign free agents and won a World Series. Unlike the Nationals, the Expos had Youppi (till the Montreal Canadians stole him.) Blew up the team to try and rebuild this year. The 2nd tier child of Washington Sports. Not the Capitals, but better than the hot putrid garbage Washington Sexual Harassment Assholes of the NFL and a notch above the sadsack Wizards.
National League Central
Chicago Cubs: Former loveable losers. Now the insufferable losers/playthings of a billionaire family of Trumpian assholes too fucking cheap/spiteful to build an actual good roster because the taxpayers of Chicago won’t blow money on their brand new stadium. Don’t need a goat anymore to be a cursed team as your owners will fuck things up for you. The Ricketts Family are to baseball like a hot dog covered in ketchup is to Chicago. Team will be hot garbage.
Cincinnati Reds: Run by a family of billionaire clowns. 2nd Generation Rich daddy makes the incompetent feckless Fail Sonny an exec. Sonny justifies blowing up a middling team and trading their remaining players for beans and faint wishes as “rebuilding.” Named Reds for the red ink that will be spilled.
Milwaukee Brewers: Bud’s team. Not the Budweiser team, but Bud’s team. The former commish/owner/pompous ass’ whose legacy was ruined by Andro and Clear. The team is pretty good. They got some young stars who can pitch and hit, but they’re Bud’s team. Hard to cheer for that.
St Louis Cardinals: I admit I used to like them in the 80s with, er, Whitey Ball, but then the Pujols Years happened and heard too much chest pounding about the best fucking fans in fucking baseball. To this day they have this arrogant cache, like a MidWest Yankees minus the good pizza and Morans signs. Fuck your cachet and your lucky years. Why the hell do these shitheads get a competitive pick? They’re owned by a guys whose family used to own Budweiser for fuck’s sake. MLB is a bunch of Morans. They’ll do okay, but in the Central ok is usually good enough.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Can’t keep stars. Can’t trade/fire sale stars for anyone good. Can’t consistently develop talent. Can’t draft. A mess of an organization that can’t seem to do anything right except for maybe three fun years in the 2010s. It’s one thing to be good and be forced to trade away your stars, but to be pathetic… well that’s another story. The Pirates have become the small market club that can’t/won’t. Even garbage fires think they’re pathetic.
National League West
Arizona Diamondbacks: Irrelevant and annoying. A team that once strived to win is now another tank job competing with the Rockies for worst franchise in the NL West. Unlike other Arizona franchises, they’ve won once. At least they can say that.
Colorado Rockies: Once a team of Jesus but even the lord has forsaken them. Not many pitchers worth their fastball willingly wants to become Mile high batting practice. They usually have good hitters, but most of them don’t do much outside of Mile High. A team doomed by geography. Every so often they catch fire and win, but that never lasts.
Los Angeles Dodgers: The moneybags of the majors, the NEW NEW YORK YANKEES. Lose the best shortstop to Tejas. No problem. This team is loaded with money and talent. A change from 20 years ago when it was owned by a conman and his wife who nearly killed the Dodgers. I hate them the same way I hated the Yankees. They’re good and rich.
San Diego: Should be the most exciting young team in baseball. Should have been in the thick of it. But… but… they stunk in the last half of the season as the worst team in all of the MLB during that strech. Their best young star had a broken wrist and they fired the previous manager of the year. Shoulda, woulda, coulda been contenders. Somewhere the ghost of Ray Kroc is screaming “I’ve never seen such stupid ballplaying in my life!”
San Francisco Gigantes: Win three world series in even years and they think they own the playoffs. Relax Moonbeam and Tesla Twerp, you still got a good team. Last year you guys had the 2nd best record in baseball, but it didn’t end well. A bunch of no names who play as a good team, but you guys are in the same division as the Dodgers.
American League West
Houston Astros: We can call these talented crybabies a bunch of no good fucking cheaters because they are. We can point to how they cheated the Los Angeles Dodgers out of a World Series Win. We can point out they have no remorse for cheating and why should they? It’s just the Dodgers. I think they’ll do fine. Anything that this team does is clouded in controversy. Mike Scott and Nolan Ryan were accused of throwing scuff balls (super split finger fastballs/right turn sliders). Part of their greatest duo, the Killer Bs, Jeff Bagwell was accused of taking performance enhancing drugs but not proven or caught. Their uniforms from the 70s/80s, ugh. Still one of the best teams in the AL.
Los Angeles/Anaheim/California Angels: They have the two best players in baseball. One is Shoehi Ohtani. The other is named after a fish. Both players can really play and Ohtani can pitch if he doesn’t blow out his arm. The rest of the roster is a mix of “who dat?”, “wasn’t he in the Mexican League?” and the Disabled List. Can’t pitch otherwise. Can’t draft worth shit. Cursed with bad luck with players dying for various reasons. Team ownership (Arte Moreno) is so inept they traded actual players for former Blue Jays contract albatross Vernon Wells. Maybe they get lucky, but there are no angels in the outfield going to save them from themselves.
Oakland Athletics’s: Moneyballs. Every year the rich as fuck owner whines about getting a new stadium instead of the literal shit filled one they play out of. Every fucking year, Billy Bean trades the best players of their roster for beans and prospects. Almost every fucking year, the crybabies seem to be in the thick of it. Unlike someone’s favorite team, they regularly get into the playoffs (but never win the big one.) Still, thanks for Josh Donaldson.
Seattle Mariners: The team that once had Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr, and Edgar Martinez on the same roster and won nothing. This year they claim to see light at the end of tunnel with their roster of young players and up and coming stars. This has been said many times in the Mariners history and that light is usually a train heading in the other direction. Signing Cy Young Award winner Robbie Ray away from the Jays was considered a coup of sorts (outside of Greg Maddux, a Cy Young winner usually regresses the next year.) Maybe the Mariners finally break thru to win the 2nd Wild Card, but based on their history and managerial/ownership ineptitude you’d be better off waiting till next year.
Tejas Rangers: Chicken fried steak is what the arms of their pitching staff feel like after pitching in the damn heat. They spent half a billion fucking dollars in this off season to get the best infield money can buy. Problem? They don’t have shit for pitching or an outfield. Well, enjoy playing pepper in the heat. Great plan, Texas. Still try to relieve the moment Odor punched out Batista because that’s all you got at this moment.
American League Central
Chicago White Sox: The less revolting team in Chicago. It’s owned by Jerry “I Killed the 1994 Season and kept Hawk Harrelson Employed” Reinsdorf. They have some decent young pitching and a good infield, but are managed by the husk of Tony LaRussa who is by age the definition of Old School. What’s next? Hawk comes back out of retirement?
Cleveland Guardians: Should have been named the Steamers. Considering their long suffering history, this team has had a LOT of Steamers. Owned by the cousin of the worst owner in the NBA, yeah a goddamned Dolan. Almost as fucked up, but at least Paul’s not in a hacky vanity band that gets “hired” for team events. Every two decades or so, they put together a really good team and then fuck it up by being cheap. If they were playing in 2022 then this would be a Cleveland Steamer year. On a personal note: the writer of this profanity laced article must acknowledge he is the owner of an Indians cap complete with racist caricature of Chief Wahoo. Why? Because he is a fan of the movie Major League. Little did he realize that one of his best friends in University was 1/8th Native and hated him wearing that racist cartoon on a hat. His friend to this day still gives him shit for it.
Detroit Tigers: Once upon a time they were annoyingly good back when everyone knew who Thomas Magnum was. They had a rivalry with the writer’s favorite team that was intense and filled with horrific moments like a seven game losing streak that cost them the AL East in 1987. Now owned by the pizza billionaire’s (Illitch) son who voted against raising the top limit of the salary cap. They might have a team, but not a great one as it is built around one all-star free agent (Baez), an aging Miguel Cabrerra and a bunch of prospects who might catch fire in a good way but also in the way their owner’s product (L’il Caesar’s) does to the writer’s colon.
Kansas City Royals: It used to be fun to watch them trade away good players and fail. Why? Ever heard of 1985 ALCS? Probably not because no one outside Canada and Missouri remembers or cares. One great year and now they’re back to their traditional role as punching bags in their sorry ass division.
Minnesota Twins: They had a really good team in 2019/2020. Young aggressive hitters and some decent power pitchers for a change instead of their traditional rotation of junkballers. It all fell apart in 2021 and then they traded away (free agent signing!) Josh Donaldson to the Yankees. In the past this would have been a baller move on both teams part. More meh, but this entire division is meh. Meh can win a division.
American League East
Baltimore Orioles: It is run by the idiot sons of Peter Angelos who will probably find a way to ruin the several years long rebuild they have been doing. Another tank job. A long time ago they once had a farm system people envied. It was back in the day when Earl Fucking Weaver grew tomatoes in Memorial Stadium and told people to go fuck themselves. Now, an HBO series is what Baltimore is best known for.
Bawston Red Sox: Claim to be underdogs like Tawm Braydee is a fucking underdog. More Evil Empire Lite. Insufferable after they finally beat Babe Ruth’s curse (turns out the curse was always about pitching or the lack of it.) I want to hate this team more, but I can’t fucking stand they’re good despite the fact their fan base is really into prospect porn. How’s that strawman prospect guy you took in the 1st round doing? Playing in Japan, bruh. The same one you wouldn’t trade straight up for Vladdy Guerro Jr., eh? Signed Trevor Story but look at his splits away from Coors Field… OPS of .754. Ugh.
Tampa Fucking Bay Devil Rays: I hate this goddamned team. They find diamonds in piles of shit despite the poorest ownership. They find horrible traumatic ways to beat the writer’s team. They cry about being forced to play in Tampa Bay (no one told them they didn’t have to be there.) The only thing that would make the writer happy is to move these guys to another division so they don’t fuck with the loser team up next. Their fans? The Mos Eisley of baseball. Despite the injuries and selling of their stars, this team is still pretty good.
Toronto Blue Jays: Holy shit, now I have to talk about these guys. Yes, the foul mouthed writer is a fan of this team. The Jays are owned by Rogers, the Cable Guys. They happen to be the overpriced internet/cellphone service provider of the writer. So for these reasons it can be very hard for the writer to root for the Jays who haven’t won since 1993. The last moment of pure joy the writer experienced as a fan is Joey Batts’ 7th inning blast against Tejas (fuck you, Odor and the rest of you bat flip hating old school assholes.) Maybe the new kids like son of Vlad will stay to build a good consistent winning team if Rogers isn’t a bunch of cheap assholes as they have been accused of in the past. They also own the Leafs and Raptors which make it very difficult to enjoy rooting for a Toronto Team especially around the time of the month when the writer pays his cable bill. At least they’ll be fun /grumbles as he realized that Rogers just raised their prices again/
New York Yankees: Oh I could write about how fucking NEW YORK CITY has all the media and the money, but these Yankees stay under the cap. Kids Steinbrenner even made hating the Yankees boring. Won’t sign stars. Can’t draft worth shit. Is this even the damn Yankees?
Who Wins the NL?
Team Money, er, Dodgers
Who Wins the AL?
I would like to say Jays, but Rays?
Who Wins the World Series?
The Nippon Ham Fighters. After shitting on everyone’s team including the writer’s own, why them? They have a cool name. The Ham Fighters. But who really wants to fight ham (outside of Vegetarians, PETA, Muslims, Hindus and Jews)? Truth is they’re actually owned by Nippon Ham so they’re actually named the Fighters.
Who Won the Lockout?
No one.
Why Do You Call Many Of The Teams Cheap?
Because they are. Tank jobs. Hot garbage. Wastes of time. I used to think regulating English Premier League Style was silly, but after watching these teams wallow in their own filth, I’m thinking regulation is the way to go. Stupidity and incompetence should not be rewarded but it is in the MLB.
Who DID You Support in This Lockout?
Well, I lean pro labor. Sure some of these players are fucking primadonnas and egotistical dipshits, but they make the game and most don’t have long careers. They need to get paid just like any of us workers do. I think a lot of the rage against them is just plain jealousy at these guys getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a game, but that is what TV/Cable revenue does which is distort the economics. You know who deserves money less than the players? The owners. Look at any of the owners and ask yourself, “Do these assholes really deserve more?” The answer for me is a No.
Many of your opinions are objectively wrong, but otherwise 5 out of 5 stars for choice baseball content.
dammit I can’t get my gif to load 🙁
https://tenor.com/view/fuck-the-haters-st-louis-cardinals-haters-fredbird-gif-12340718
Shame that won’t load.
Also, this is how I feel once we get to playoff season
Now do my kid’s varsity high school team: Head coach and assistant coach both have freshman kids on the team. Between them, they committed at least 8 errors in 3 games this week. Head coach told my kid “On any other team, you’d be a starter.” I said, “Wait, he thinks you’d commit more than 2-3 errors a game at shortstop?!”
He also told the local paper my kid is “an excellent offensive player who can play several positions.” He has played 3 innings with 2 plate appearances in 4 games.
My kid’s coach is a fucking asshole, and I can’t wait to tell him so on Senior Day. He treated my older kid like shit, too, so it’s been about 9 years coming.