An Open Letter to Democrats Who Want to Win Georgia Senate Seats

Dearest Democrats,

Let me open this letter by admitting I am not the usual person you come to for advice. I’m not a million-dollar consultant; I don’t work for McKinsey or other “management” firms; I’m not beholden to any particular special interest group; I’ve never overseen a disastrous loss in Florida or the midwest; I don’t think “the squad” is a threat to the natural order of the universe; and I’m not 70 years old.

Despite my obvious shortcomings, I humbly submit that I have a pretty good idea on how to win some Senate seats in Georgia. I offer this free of charge, though if you want to pay me, I’m all ears!

Anyway, pretty simply: You should promise that if you win both seats, on day one — DAY ONE — the House and Senate put a new stimulus package on President Joe Biden’s desk.

Not a half-ass deal, either. It should include at least $1,200 to every adult plus $500 per child; it should also bump unemployment benefits up by at least $600 a week. More is better, by the way, but it absolutely cannot be a penny less than what came before it.

May I also recommend putting money into saving some of the hardest-hit industries: Non-chain restaurants, small tourist attractions, music and event venues and even movie theaters. Whether or not a vaccine is “close,” these places were gutted and, frankly, it’s safer now to save them via government action then continue to have people at these places spreading coronavirus. This is also a considerably better solution than letting them wither and die so hedge funds can buy up even more good property in cities.

I know, I know! I can already hear you, Nancy Pelosi and Pete Buttigieg, asking how this can be means-tested and made far more complicated and maybe what about a 3% bonus for entrepreneurs in Black neighborhoods who earn less than $120,000 a year but more than $58,000 which would trigger a 0.5% bonus unless their spouse’s AGI last year was less than $74,500 but more than $31,815 adjusting for how much they owe in school loans, and could we use rebates to pay off 10% of loans in excess of $100,000 and 15% for loans in excess of $50,000 and …

Here’s the answer: No. Don’t fucking do that.

Just give people money and let them stimulate the economy, hopefully at a safe social distance. (Can I also recommend throwing in masks — made at an American factory, please — for every citizen while you’re doing this? Put a little American flag on them and call it a day.)

I know, they’re going to call you socialists and communists. But guess what? They’re going to call you that anyway!

Now that you’ve made that promise, here’s how much you should talk about it: Always. Constantly. Unceasingly.

When a press conference starts? This is the first thing you talk about.

GOP calls you a baby-killing monster because of abortion? Talk about this instead.

Someone hits you up on Twitter because Donald Trump said something insane? “We’re focused on passing a stimulus plan on Day One.”

When political journalists get bored of your message and start writing stories that boil down to how bored they are: Talk more about stimulus.

The thing about the GOP is they’re really good at marshaling attention. They want you to talk about stuff the Senate isn’t going to be handling: Abortion, police funding, Mango Unchained, critical race theory, immigrants.

And the media eats it up because the narrative is that the Republicans are united and firm and the Democrats are flailing — note how winning the presidency far more convincingly than Trump did, holding the House and gaining Senate seats has already been spun as a bad night for your party?

If the GOP had that sort of evening, they would be declaring they had a mandate from Jesus Christ himself to create 14 new Dakotas so they could rope themselves another 28 Senate seats, Amen.

So, instead, talk about something you CAN do in the Senate: Give money to people who desperately need it because a deadly virus has flipped our life — and our economy — on its head for the past 9 months.

Make it the issue. Let them have to explain why a Supreme Court justice vote was more important than more stimulus. Let them explain why they didn’t do it before now. Let them talk about how the pandemic was handled.

And then, we’ll see.

Of course, if you do win, you actually have to pass what you promised; while Trump can shit on his followers and call it a chocolate fountain, you are gonna actually have to do the work. I admit, it sucks and is a bad double-standard, but that’s what you get for being the party of functional government.

Once you have the Senate, though, then you can actually HAVE a functional government rather than have to beg Mitch McConnell for anything. Think of it: You can just ignore that droopy, necrotic dipshit.

Sounds great, right?

Anyway, thank you for your time and consideration, and please don’t spend the entire campaign talking about how bad the outgoing president is when, y’know, he’s not gonna be around once these people get into the Senate.

Sincerely,

Clever Name Here, doing business as “Black Rod”

P.S. Do throw some extra money Stacey Abrams’ way too, K?