Jamboroo: Beef Jerky Time! [2/1/20]

Here’s the thing I have noticed: We are really fucking stupid.

No, really. Goddamn are we idiots. For the last several weeks, I’m guessing, people have been arguing whether the end of 2019 is really the end of a decade.

For. Fuck’s. SAKE.

A similar thing happened twenty years ago(holy shit has it really been that long?). The millennium celebrations at the end of 1999 were being nudged at by people presumably pushing their glasses up and going “Well, actually…” Well actually, fuck that nonsense. Decades, centuries, and millennia go like everything else with numbers in it. 0-9, and ticking over at the next 0. You never heard anyone referring to 1899 as the 20th century or 1900 as the 19th, did you? No, you didn’t. Because that argument is BULLSHIT. When the number rolls over, it’s a new whatever it is. I don’t understand why this nonsense exists aside from The Internet and Trolling.

Yes, capital T in Trolling. It’s a goddamn job now for some people, as we’ve discussed here before. The President is a goddamn troll. There is a near-nonstop fight going on at Wikipedia regarding his height as compared to other presidents. His FUCKING HEIGHT. Fuck-ass can only concede being shorter than Lincoln. His identification may not be right, photographic evidence doesn’t show him as standing taller than 6’1 Barack Obama. It’s the same thing with his fucking hands. His tiny nubs are not any more than that. They’re baby hands, they didn’t get the message from the pituitary gland when he was growing. But he insists he has great hands.

Narcissism is the disease, meet the cure. (Well, not actually the cure. More like a topical ointment for swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!)

The Games

Five Throwgasms!

Vikings @ Saints: Somewhere, Drew Magary is crying. Of all the matchups, the Vikings get a Saints team that set the record for fewest turnovers in a season(!) in NFL history. Kirk Cousins had 6 picks while The Saints had 8 total turnovers, and two of those were picks thrown by their backup QB. That’s insane. Teddy Bridgewater went fucking 5-0 filling in for Brees. And I’m sure Drew is fretting over the usual; KC having a good regular season with solid stats that put him alongside the big boys, and certainly making KC primed for his typical playoff meltdown. That, or there will be a chance, and the kicker will shit his pants.

Four Throwgasms

Bills @ Texans: The Bills went from having a shot to upend the AFC east to a road game against the Texans. In a world where 12-4 is a down year for New England, the Bills let themselves backslide at the end of the season and now get this. I’m not expecting that JJ Watt is fully healthy, but if he is enough to be half of what he usually is, then the Bills are fucked, and frankly they probably are regardless. Too bad it went this way for local Buffalo furniture sales, though. We all know the mafia would have been powerbombing like crazy if they’d kept this one at home.

Three Throwgasms

Titans @ Patriots: I’d like to believe. Ryan Tannehill escaped purgatory, aka Miami, and turned himself into a pretty decent QB after all. But you can’t tell me that he’s gonna be the guy to knock out the Pats on their home turf, their loss to the Dolphins last week notwithstanding. Mediocrity, thy name is Tennessee.

Two Throwgasms

Seahawks @ Eagles: AKA the Seahawks versus the “somebody had to win this one” division. The Eagles are a walking MASH unit. Expect them to go home with serious anal pain after this one unless they can lure Randy Moss, Terrell Owens, Gronk and Jerry Rice out of retirement in the next couple days.

One Throwgasm


Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Yeah, I used this in the 12/30 DUAN. DON’T FUCKING JUDGE ME

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

Scott Allen (R), State Rep., Wisconsin. This fucking guy proposes to recognize a bunch of white guys for Black History Month. Fucking white inferiority complex.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Patriots, -5.5

Can’t bet against my main man Tommy! When you have that many rings, you don’t lose big on the big stage! (Hey! Stop mentioning 1989!)

2019 Magic Record: 8-7-1

Fire this Asshole!

Gotta say, it was a light black Monday. Either NFL teams are getting stupider through their commitments, or…well, that’s probably it. And someone please tell me what the fuck is up in Dallas. Did Jerruh finally succumb to the obvious dementia?

  • Jay Gruden—DEAD!
  • Ron Rivera—DEAD!
  • Jason Garrett **********
  • Pat Shurmur—DEAD!
  • Freddie Kitchens—DEAD!
  • Zac Taylor
  • Anthony Lynn
  • Vic Fangio
  • Bill Belichick (uh-oh!)

(*How does this guy still have a fucking job/WTF is going on)

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Beef jerky? Don’t think that your roadkill is good for nothing! That gamey taste is just a bonus!

Gratuitous Futurama Quote:

Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

About Constantine 46 Articles
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    • Pre-9/11, Pre-Bush v. Gore, and the internet was only used to steal music and to masturbate.

      The fucking good old days.

      “I found a cover of Suffragette City on Napster performed by Alice in Chains! I’m going to download it and in a couple of hours I’ll know if it’s real!

      While I’m waiting, time to fire up the old AOL messenger and open up this ‘NOT PR0N’ folder!”

    • What wretched garbage brain man wrote this?

      “Pedantic readers of this column will note that the decade won’t really end until Dec. 31, 2020. They’re right.”

      If you started to itch and look for small drops of blood, your bedbug sense is right on target.

  1. Anyone who knows binary…or…knows anyhing at all…knows that counting begins with 0.

    Also, if the Vikings lose because of one missed FG, I’d consider it a win as I can’t even imagine it being that close a game.

  2. …that is some prime, A-grade Haughty Dipshit-ery there

    …it comforts me a little that where these sorts of people are concerned as a rule pretty much all the non-insane readings of their chosen brand of scripture make it clear that if any of their espoused beliefs about the nature of creation are even a little bit true they will in fact be burning in hellfire everlasting in the none-too-distant future on account of the mere mortal clause

    …even the ones that think the really neat thing about Jesus is his function as a one-size-fits-all pardon of the deathbed-absolution variety so that you can sin your ass off in the expectation of the rewards of a sinless life just as soon as you die (like a spiritual free bar, I guess) still mostly think there logically still has to be a hell for them to avoid, after all?

    …& let’s just say that all that “Jesus – plus nothing” bullshit skipped over some important fine print because things did not go well for their closest equivalents in any of the Abrahamic religions…iirc?

  3. Rumor has it that Russia has reached out to Jason Garrett for tips on how to compile Kompromat. Seriously, the dude has to be sitting on a binder so thick it makes Lindsey Graham glad he’s not that guy.

  4. I only know one haughty dipshit that has been correcting everybody about the proper decade end date for the last few weeks. Most of us really don’t care at all.

    Also, Matt Patricia should really be on the fire this asshole list even though Martha Ford said he was safe for now. He’s gone when the Lions explode out of the gates to a gaudy 0-6.

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