Boomers Are Getting Rich Using This One Weird Trick!

If you’ve been away from the internet this week, you may have missed the continuing story of Paul Edward Mathers, 69, whose body was found by police who also found the body of his wife, Jeanne Sourone-Mathers, 75. We may never know why this story struck a chord with the internet, but it may have been due to the fact that, despite finding both Paul and Jeanne at the same time, the couple appeared to have died many years apart. Investigators were able to deduce this from a subtle but important clue at the scene: Paul’s body was found in a freezer. 

The discovery of the couple was made at the end of November, but their story resurfaced this week when, on Tuesday, detectives announced they had found a notarized letter signed by Paul absolving his wife of responsibility in his death. Such a letter is, of course, exactly the kind of thing someone with a body in their freezer might want detectives to find, so, naturally, there are questions. I would, however, like to posit a theory as to the responsible party: the demise of capitalism. 

While I have not read the letter in question — neither did the notary, says the notary, who affixed her stamp to the letter anyway back in 2008 — I expect we will soon learn the contents of this letter include a pledge of undying love from a dying man… who wished to spare his wife a heavy burden of guilt… as she continued to accept nourishment from the unknowing teat of Uncle Sam.

Now, perhaps there is no greater expression of love than planning to preserve your own dead body on ice in the garage to provide for the financial stability of your loved ones. Then again, perhaps there is no greater indictment of the American capitalist system than the necessity of planning to preserve your own body on ice in the garage to ensure the financial stability of your loved ones.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but it sure feels like continuing on a path of lousy job security, poor wages, little equity, and limited access to affordable healthcare is only asking for more Paul and Jeannes. I fear in the future their story will repeat. None of the details of the story will change, just the headline:

“Millennials Are Destroying Pensions and Social Security!”