Welcome to this week’s installment of C U Next Tuesday, where I write about some hemorrhoids from the very ass of god.
It’s no secret that Trump has been selling ambassadorships for campaign (or inaugural ball) donations, or just to his political stans. While it has accelerated with Trump, he is by no means the first President to do that shit. A bill to limit the number of non-diplomats a president could appoint to ambassadorship roles is currently in committee in the House (I don’t know if it’ll go anywhere though).
I chose a few of these deep-pocketed opportunists to write about. You can view a complete list of the current ambassadors here, as well as information about whether they are career diplomats or political appointees, and when they were appointed.
But first, meet Kevin.
Cuntenfreude: Richard Grenell
This cunt is our ambassador to Germany. I guess it would be schadenfreude if I was capable of experiencing pleasure anymore, but the Germans absolutely hate this fucking guy, so that’s nice at least.He is a former UN Spokesperson (longest-running, in fact), and previously worked under John Bolton, and he subscribes to the same war-mongering tendencies (and tries to make Germany monger more war!)
He’s a Fox News contributor and general Twitter troll, mostly harassing journalists. As an aide to Romney in 2012, he had to delete a ton of sexist and otherwise rude Tweets because in those days, you were supposed to act like a respectable person in politics.
- He has made it a personal habit to try to act like he was sent to Germany to boss around its government, which is very very not what an ambassador is supposed to do. He has:
- Told Germany they need to stop doing business with Iran when Trump blew up the nuclear deal.
- Criticized Germany for not bombing Syria with us – before he was ambassador.
- Criticized Europe for advocating for de-escalation with Iran – at the same time that Trump was telling us there’s no way we were going to war after we assassinated Soleimani.
- TOLD BREITBART THE US WANTS TO STRENGTHEN CONSERVATIVE FORCES IN EUROPE FOR FUCK’S SAKE. (not a link to Breitbart, don’t worry)
- Has been a dedicated soldier in Trump’s foreign policy decisions of increasing pressure and exerting power on other countries.
- As Trump’s first (only?) openly-gay appointment, claimed to be working to decriminalize homosexuality around the world, but of course, he’s full of shit.
Fuck you, Richard Grenell.
The Chosen Cunt: David Friedman
This cunt is Trump’s ambassador to Israel. As you can imagine, he’s terrible and Bibi Netanyahu loves him. Plus, he donated $50,000 to Trump’s campaign!
- Shockingly, he is a real estate and bankruptcty lawyer who’s been close to Trump for nearly 20 years.
- After serving as the campaign’s Middle East adviser, he was appointed about two months after the inauguration (very quickly for Trump).
- He called Obama an anti-semite!
- He said it’s cool for Israel to just flat out annex parts of the West Bank, and it’s because of him Palestinian leaders won’t even come to the table with the Trump administration anymore.
- He said that liberal jews are worse than Nazi collaborators.
- He’s refusing to comply with the State Department’s inspector general’s instruction to, um, pay attention to a country’s human rights violations before we give them aid – and told the press to “keep their mouths shut” about Gaza.
Fuck you straight to hell, David Friedman.
God Save The Cunt: Cunty Johnson
Robert Wood “Woody” Johnson IV (owner of the NY Jets and of the Johnson & Johnson fortune) is a real piece of shit and lifelong friend of Trump, who gave $1 million to the inaugural committee.
- If you’re trying to remember why his name has been in the news recently, it’s because his wife killed a teenager with her car, and she fled the UK and the State Department is claiming “diplomatic immunity” to avoid turning her over to the UK for prosecution. Which is not how “diplomatic immunity” is supposed to be used.
- He is probably a tax criminal, though of course the Senate didn’t mind that enough not to confirm him.
- Like all good Trumpsters, he loves Brexit!
- Also like all good Trumpsters, he’s an insecure, paranoid, petty little fuck and he fired one of his employees for mentioning Obama in a speech.
- In a move that is…illegal-ish?…his family members have bought properties and started doing business in the UK (ambassadors themselves are not allowed to have business interests there, but there’s no real rules against family members, except we know how this is going to go…).
- US food is generally considered too poisonous for the UK to allow it to be imported, but ol’ Woody is working hard to sell them on the wonders of our chlorinated chicken.
- Lucky for us (I guess), he’s not long for the job, it seems.
May you be the next victim of a hit-and-run, Cunty Johnson.
You can vew past installments of C U Next Tuesday here.
UNRELATED SIDE NOTE – Did you know Politico does this stupid fucking “birthday of the day” segment?!