C U Next Tuesday: Free from Cuntsequences

Welcome to this week’s installment of C U Next Tuesdays, where I pluck some hairs from humanity’s ass and write about them.

I had a whole different plan today, and admittedly I’m flying by the seat of my pants this week so it was going to be a bit brief, but I have changed plans in light of the fact that our dear leader is on a pardoning/sentence commuting spree today!

I think it’s pretty clear he’s sending a message.

I’m no political strategist, but I have to believe that the simple message of Trump’s general corruption and gatekeeper of the club you’ll never get to be in has to be a winning message. Trump is freeing his buddies from prison in exchange for campaign donations. Many of these are not sympathetic figures. The Fox News propaganda machine can work wonders, of course, but I think most people can relate to the feeling that justice never reaches the privileged. I’m sure Fox News is calling this a banner day for criminal justice reform.

Here’s a quick and dirty rundown of who he seems to be pardoning as I write this, what they did to get in jail, and why Trump likely pardoned them (if there is a clear connection, although it wouldn’t be hard to figure out).

A Parade of Cunts:

Rod Blagojevich

And he adorned himself with the scalps of his enemies.

Former governor of Illinois.

Bernie Kerik

Hi, I only eat plain hamburgers with ketchup.

Former henchman to Rudy Guiliani, New York Police Commissioner, among other things.

Michael Milken


The “Junk Bond King” – if you had to put a face on predatory 1980s Wall Street, this is the face.

Edward DeBartolo

The ghost of Simon Cowell’s future.

Former owner of the 49ers, accused sexual assailant.

  • Crimes: failure to report that former Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards extorted him in exchange for a riverboat casino license.
  • Punishment: basically nothing – 2 years probation and some fines.
  • Relationship to Trump: Unclear, but he is also a real estate executive.

Ariel Friedler

Training for my first half-marathon.

Tech entrepreneur, former government contractor.

Judith Negron

Likes movies, hanging out with friends, and music. Independently wealthy.

Former owner of Miami mental health company.

  • Crimes: $205 million Medicare fraud scheme – charges included money laundering, healthcare fraud, etc etc.
  • Punishment: 35 years in prison, of which she has served seven years.
  • Relationship to Trump: Unclear.

Paul Pogue

Pile of armadillos with severed head on top.

CEO of a TX Construction Company

  • Crimes: Income tax fraud.
  • Punishment: Some fines and probation.
  • Relationship to Trump: Worked on Rick Santorum’s campaign. Santorum then, in return, lobbied for his full pardon. Here’s a fun quote:
    • “He paid 90% of his taxes,” Santorum said. “It’s not like he didn’t pay taxes. He admitted he didn’t pay it because he thought he was paying too much. So he took a hit for it.” What happens when YOU only pay 90% of your taxes?
His ball just went in The Sandlot dog’s yard.

Former top official under G.W. Bush.

Angela Stanton

Auntie Tom

Famous yapping mouth. Author, TV personality (from Real Housewives of Atlanta)


It seems that these people were just on the president’s radar for various reasons, and I have no inclination to call them cunts:

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  1. I kind of get the feeling that Trump is guilty of every one of these crimes as well and somehow got the idea that if he commuted them he’d be more likely to receive the same himself once he’s out of office.

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