Welcome to this week’s installment of C U Next Tuesdays, where I pluck some hairs from humanity’s ass and write about them.
I had a whole different plan today, and admittedly I’m flying by the seat of my pants this week so it was going to be a bit brief, but I have changed plans in light of the fact that our dear leader is on a pardoning/sentence commuting spree today!
I think it’s pretty clear he’s sending a message.
I’m no political strategist, but I have to believe that the simple message of Trump’s general corruption and gatekeeper of the club you’ll never get to be in has to be a winning message. Trump is freeing his buddies from prison in exchange for campaign donations. Many of these are not sympathetic figures. The Fox News propaganda machine can work wonders, of course, but I think most people can relate to the feeling that justice never reaches the privileged. I’m sure Fox News is calling this a banner day for criminal justice reform.
Here’s a quick and dirty rundown of who he seems to be pardoning as I write this, what they did to get in jail, and why Trump likely pardoned them (if there is a clear connection, although it wouldn’t be hard to figure out).
A Parade of Cunts:
Rod Blagojevich
Former governor of Illinois.
- Crimes: Essentially tried to sell the seat formerly occupied by Barack Obama (asking for Cabinet positions, high-salaried jobs, etc in exchange), extorting the Chicago Tribune, withholding federal funds meant for a children’s hospital in exchange for a campaign contribution, and…um, it seems like a lot more.
- Punishment: He was sentenced to 14 years in federal prison. He has served 8 years, and was due to serve 4 more before he was eligible for parole.
- Relationship to Trump: He was on The Apprentice (warning, autoplay vid), and his wife has been making appeals on Fox News, and Jared Kushner wanted him released.
Bernie Kerik
Former henchman to Rudy Guiliani, New York Police Commissioner, among other things.
- Crimes: Accepted nearly $250k in gifts from an Israeli businessman without reporting it – was convicted on tax fraud.
- Punishment: 3 years in prison, he served ’em and was released in 2013.
- Relationship to Trump: Chauffered Giuliani in his first mayoral race, and then rose in the ranks once he was elected. Post-prison, he is a frequent contributor on Fox News.
Michael Milken
The “Junk Bond King” – if you had to put a face on predatory 1980s Wall Street, this is the face.
- Crimes: Insider trading.
- Punishment: He was sentenced to 10 years and served 22 months of those years.
- Relationship to Trump: A bunch of Trump’s favorite people pushed for it.
Edward DeBartolo
Former owner of the 49ers, accused sexual assailant.
- Crimes: failure to report that former Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards extorted him in exchange for a riverboat casino license.
- Punishment: basically nothing – 2 years probation and some fines.
- Relationship to Trump: Unclear, but he is also a real estate executive.
Ariel Friedler
Tech entrepreneur, former government contractor.
- Crimes: hacking into competitors’ computers.
- Punishment: I cannot find the sentence but he served 2 months in prison and has been out for a while.
- Relationship to Trump: Unclear.
Judith Negron
Former owner of Miami mental health company.
- Crimes: $205 million Medicare fraud scheme – charges included money laundering, healthcare fraud, etc etc.
- Punishment: 35 years in prison, of which she has served seven years.
- Relationship to Trump: Unclear.
Paul Pogue
CEO of a TX Construction Company
- Crimes: Income tax fraud.
- Punishment: Some fines and probation.
- Relationship to Trump: Worked on Rick Santorum’s campaign. Santorum then, in return, lobbied for his full pardon. Here’s a fun quote:
- “He paid 90% of his taxes,” Santorum said. “It’s not like he didn’t pay taxes. He admitted he didn’t pay it because he thought he was paying too much. So he took a hit for it.” What happens when YOU only pay 90% of your taxes?
David Safavian
Former top official under G.W. Bush.
- Crimes: Failing to disclose a relationship with a scandal-ridden lobbyist, Jack Abramoff (I had to look him up)
- Punishment: 1 year in prison
- Relationship to Trump: Unclear.
Angela Stanton
Famous yapping mouth. Author, TV personality (from Real Housewives of Atlanta)
- Crimes: Being involved in a criminal vehicle theft ring. She claimed later that she took the fall while the real mastermind, RHOATL’s Phaedra Parks, went free.
- Punishment: Jesus fuck I cannot figure it out.
- Relationship to Trump: She goes on Fox News and is a big supporter of his.
Non-cunts:
It seems that these people were just on the president’s radar for various reasons, and I have no inclination to call them cunts:
Click here to visit past installments of C U Next Tuesday.
That’s a real Who’s Who of low lifes.
I know right?
Milken looks like a low rent Mr. Burns. He’s truly deserving of the see you next Tuesday moniker.
Yeah he is a creepy looking fuck for sure.
Milken looks so corrupt I keep thinking he should be in the dictionary.
He’s the picture of…something!
If I had a Billion Dollars I would at least get my teeth fixed.
Milken’s brown teeth look like the toes of a cadaver imo
Here’s the connection between trump and Friedler.
https://www.rawstory.com/2020/02/chris-christie-asked-trump-to-pardon-this-former-ceo-so-the-president-just-did/
Thank you!
I kind of get the feeling that Trump is guilty of every one of these crimes as well and somehow got the idea that if he commuted them he’d be more likely to receive the same himself once he’s out of office.
He is certainly taking care to rack up owed favors, for sure.
I worry that the next president* is going to be barred from taking Trump down.
*being very optimistic about this, I know