C U Next Tuesday: Why Your Senator Sucks

Welcome to this week’s installment of C U Next Tuesday, where I pull shreds of toilet paper out of humanity’s ass crack, mold them into human beings, perform a spell to animate them, and then write about them.

This week, I’m keeping it straightforward, and pardon me, but I am having trouble with puns because I’m blinded by rage.

Every Republican in the Senate is a cunt (even our brave defectors). As we know, they voted last week to bar evidence and witness testimony from the trial of Trump. We knew this was likely coming, but it still hurts to watch it happen. I am sick and upset, and I am out for blood.

Here are some Senators who voted against justice, some fun facts about them, and more importantly, the status of their opposition and any voter suppression concerns, so you can focus dollars or time in a productive direction if you want to.

Why did I pick these specific ones? They all have three things in common:

  • Running for re-election this year
  • In their first term
  • Their seat was previously held by a Democrat

These Senators, even the vulnerable ones, have made the calculation that openly betraying the will of the American people will pay off more handsomely than pursuing justice. They can get fucked.

Tom Cotton (AR)

Incredible: the first earthworm/human hybrid ever elected to Congress.

This smarmy fuck beat then-incumbent Democrat Mark Pryor in 2014 by about 17 points. It was a big swing right that year.

In addition to all the standard Republican fuckery, he has a few stand out moments:

Stepping up to unseat him, we have LITERALLY NO ONE on the Democratic side. And the filing deadline has passed. So, even though there’s almost nothing I hate more than a libertarian, if you really hate Cotton, I’m going to suggest you support the libertarian candidate (at least he’s not a white guy) because he wasn’t in the Senate voting for this cover up, at least….

Unfortunately, Arkansas voters approved a voter ID law last time around, so consider donating to their Indivisible who will be trying to make sure people are registered and prepared.

Thom Tillis (NC)

Man trying to trap his soul inside his body.

This fuckhole’s state’s Republicans are currently embroiled in some top notch cuntery and he’s not separate from it. Some handy facts:

If you’d like to fuck Thom Tillis in his ballot-hole:

  • You can support one of his Republican primary challengers to play games (don’t worry, they’re all just as shitty as other Republicans).
  • It would probably be more effective to keep an eye on who wins the NC Democratic primary, but it looks like the party is throwing its weight behind Cal Cunningham. Their primary is March 3rd.
  • Do something to fight against voter suppression and fraud in NC.

Joni Ernst (IA)

Butt plug with a toupée.

Fucking Aunt Lydia.

She is considered a somewhat vulnerable seat, so it might be worth your while to take aim at her. One of her challengers, Therese Greenfield, has been giving her a run for her money, fundraising-wise (GET IT?), all while refusing corporate PAC money, and she is also racking up some DSCC endorsements. However, of course, their primary isn’t until June and anything can happen.

To help Iowa fight GOP voter suppression (a judge just upheld a voter ID law), give Stacey Abrams a hand.

Dan Sullivan (AK)

Man who just realized he left his drivers’ license in a stolen car that he sent to the bottom of a lake with a dead woman in the trunk.

We like to shit on Lisa Murkowski – and rightfully so, she’s a fucking cunt – but this bucket of bile is just like her, without even acting like he might do the right thing sometimes.

The brave soul stepping up to challenge him from the left: no one, so far. But the filing deadline isn’t until the summer, so hopefully someone does.

Cory Gardner (CO)

A real adult senator who is not a teenage boy who’s been getting 3rd world plastic surgery to try to look like George Clooney.

Possibly the most vulnerable Senator this year, we have a real tremendous opportunity to politically shoot Cory Gardner into the sun.

It’s important that he can’t trick the voters in his state. Republicans have fewer registered voters in CO and so he’d need to trick independents, swing voters, and moderates into voting for him.

It looks like he has quite a few challengers on the horizon (including our old pal John Hickenlooper, who is probably a frontrunner). Their primary is soon – March 17th – and so pay the fuck attention to who wins.

Steve Daines (MT)

And just like that, the dentures had grown their very own body!

I have to admit, this cunt was way off my radar. And, really, he seems to lay low. Doesn’t make a lot of public statements. Doesn’t get himself in the news.

  • He just toes the Republican party line; covering for Trump – most notably, quickly defending his racism against the “Squad,” and he even supports the trade war, which a lot of other Republicans have at least pretended to care about!
  • Of the people on this list, his Trump score isn’t the highest. But it isn’t low.

He has a few challengers coming from the Democratic side – I can’t devise a frontrunner right now, but we’ll know after their primary in June.

More importantly, there are serious barriers to Native Americans’ rights to vote that have been implemented in the past couple years, in Montana and elsewhere. Hopefully, these guys can fix it.

Shelley Moore Capito (WV)

Turkey jerky left in the snow.

Hopefully West Virginia can turn that frown into a full blown sob. Capito is you standard asshole cunt, but here’s some fun stuff.

  • She and progressive sweetheart Joe Manchin have been lobbying hard to get a nice environment-fucking plastic waste-storage facility. Of course, this after they’ve been receiving campaign contributions from the plastic and natural gas industries.
  • Of course, she participates in the time-honored tradition of sitting on regulatory committees that are supposed to regulate industries she has a financial stake in (like how she sits on a subcommittee supposed to regulate tech, and owns between $180k-$300k in stock in big tech companies like Microsoft and AT&T.
  • She and all three of her children went to Duke. Nothing against Duke, but just a nice little reminder of how prestigious universities are just legacy factories.

How we gonna get her out of office? Well, she’s got challengers from both sides, but hopefully one of the Democrats wins. Except not this one, who is a former Trump supporter (and I don’t trust anyone who heard him talk in 2015-2016 to have changed their mind)….although I guess if it’s between him and her, you want him just to get that gavel out of Mitch’s flipper….

Mike Rounds (SD)

A ball of socks that sneaked into the bra drawer.

Well this shirt person wasn’t really on my radar either. Kind of an Ann Veal thing. Like I know who he is but have to look him up every single time I’m reminded he’s a person.

  • In researching him just now, I remember something I was briefly aware of in 2014, when he got elected – he was peripherally involved in a scandal involving shady visas (the ones they give to “busnessmen” to “create jobs” in the US), where an official working under him as governor ended up committing suicide. Delightfully, Vox thought this would have actually been a liability during his election. Oh, what a different time.
  • Rounds was a co-sponsor of this cuntery – the Israel Anti-Boycott Act. You know, that one that is to prohibit American citizens from using their actual First Amendment rights to choose where they spend their money.

Who’s gonna dump him overboard? We shall see – he’s got a couple Democratic challengers, one of whom Bernie likes (except she’s never won anything so….), and then a primary challenger (A WOMAN!) who also sucks. The primary is in June.

Bill Cassidy (LA)

Literal Muppet.

Well, this tit pimple is one of my Senators – probably the less outwardly ridiculous of the two, but certainly a lying sack of dicks, to be sure. I could make a long list, but I’m just going to tell one story. Close your eyes and travel to a more innocent time: 2017, when we thought that there would be at least a couple Republicans in the Senate who wouldn’t be terrible.

  • Cassidy, a MEDICAL DOCTOR, and Lindsey Graham teamed up against their fellow Republicans to try to get an amendment that would provide a replacement for Obamacare installed before they voted to repeal it (this is the vote McCain famously caused drama at). Let me remind you: this is back when we thought Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy would be resistance heroes.
  • Cassidy even went on Jimmy Kimmel and said his bill would have to pass the “Jimmy Kimmel test” – that a child born with an ailment would not have any more medical expenses/debt than a child born without. Or some vague shit.
  • Cassidy and Graham lobbied hard for their amendment, which absolutely would not have passed that test (causing Jimmy to publicly destroy Cassidy more than once). They were thoroughly rejected by their big brothers colleagues, and went ahead and voted for the repeal of the ACA anyway!

Cassidy currently has three challengers (one Democrat, two Independent, though I need to see what kind of Independents they are). I am supporting Antoine Pierce – the Democrat – yes because he’s a Democrat and we take what we can get, but I also think he’s a pretty good guy (he’s a black community organizer from Baton Rouge with a huge following). We have jungle primaries, so they all run against each other all together in one primary, and top two go to a runoff if no one gets 50%. Our primary is Election Day in November, and our runoff will be in December.

Strangely, our voter suppression situation isn’t THAT bad, compared to other red states. But we recently re-enfranchised convicted felons and there is a bit of confusing beauracracy in getting them registered (I’m sure, by design). This organization is doing the hard work of getting these people registered and guiding them through the process.

Thank you for giving cunts the attention they deserve. You can read past installments here.

Edit – I didn’t realize that top image was going to crop itself like that, so just in case you want to see all the unflattering photos I painstakingly sought out, here you go:



  1. Wonderful writing as usual H.A. One of my favorite recurring segments on the site. It would’ve been right at home on Splinter while that was still around.

  2. Those photo captions killed me. Am ded.

    • Would you like mouth to mouth by any of these 9 cunts or do you prefer to stay ded?

      Ded? I thought so!

      • Yes, murder me k thx bye!!

  3. Fun facts about Shelley Moore Capito

    She is partnering with Amy Klobuchar and other Dems on updating the Congressional Accountability Act to prevent sexual harassment in Congress

    She and GOP bootlicker Joe Manchin appropriated almost a million dollars for the WV Foundation for Rape Information and Service in 2018

    But she voted to confirm Brett “I like beer” Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.

    • She’s fine combatting sexual assault as long as the assailant isn’t someone she likes or finds useful. Fuck her into the sun.

  4. I love Tuesdays now because of this segment. Not sure why this immediately came to mind as I’m reading this…

    • Glad to make Tuesday a little less cunty.

      I didn’t see Blazing Saddles for the first time until maybe a few years ago. Boy what I had been missing….

  5. Hawley’s a cunt too.

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