Celebrity Apprentice Contestant Rod Blagojevich Murdered on Live TV

Rod Blagojevich (D-IL-LHOLE) is many things, most of them scummy. He’s a convicted felon, a Celebrity Apprentice contestant, a lazy man with bad hair, a habitual liar, and a notably corrupt (former) Governor in a state known for corrupt Governors. He is also dead, having been slaughtered on live TV by Anderson Cooper on February 21st, 2020.

Blago is most famous for being sentenced to 14 years in federal prison as part of several pay-to-play corruption charges, most notably by attempting to auction of Barack Obama’s Senate seat after Obama was elected President. Ever the attention whore, after his arrest and subsequent impeachment and removal from office in January, 2008 he embarked on a national media tour, proclaiming his innocence and getting as much time on TV as possible.

2010 would prove to be a pivotal year for Blagojevich. Early on, he claimed that he was “blacker than Barack Obama”. Later that spring, he joined the cast of Celebrity Apprentice, earning praise from future President and all-time dipshit, Donald Trump. Blagojevich’s main contribution to Celebrity Apprentice was revealing to the entire planet that he doesn’t know how to do research on a laptop, or even know how to turn the dang thing on. He was subsequently fired during episode 4 .

Notably White Rod Blagojevich and a Bowl of Cat Vomit

Later that year, he was convicted on 1 of his 24 charges, specifically lying to the FBI. The jury was hung on the remaining 23 charges, leading to a mistrial and subsequent retrial. The following year, three charges were tossed, and he was convicted on 17 of the remaining 20 charges. The charges he was convicted of included attempting to sell Obama’s Senate seat, extorting an executive of a children’s hospital, and attempting to withhold state funds from the Chicago Tribune unless they fired editors who had hurt his fee-fees. He was sentenced to 14 years in federal prison.

Blagojevich, researching the criminal justice system

On February 18th, 2020, his sentence was commuted by President Biff Tannen Donald Trump. He immediately begun another whirlwind media tour, claiming to be a “Trump-ocrat” and lying that he’d learned all about how corrupt the justice system was. He then declared he was going to spend the remainder of his life working to fight injustice. That proclamation drew the attention of CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who decided he wanted to take the “best live murder of the decade” crown from Elizabeth Warren.

Funeral services will be held at the dumpsters behind CNN’s Chicago studios on Tuesday, which is trash day.



    • Gonna be technical here: the conviction and prison term should have been the end of him. But we live in a post-shame world, where neither truth nor pride matter. Mispronouncing a couple Hogwarts houses isn’t even a speed bump on the Blago Express.

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