Coffee Break [25/10/21]

Your mid-morning pick me up.

I recently read My Heart Is a Chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones. A coming-of-age story told using slasher film tropes, with real-world horror just below the surface. And it got me wondering, could I be a final girl? According to Buzzfeed, no, I could not.

You didn’t survive

Sorry, the killer was a lot smarter than you. Good news is that you died a hero. JK, you were running away, tripped, and tragically broke your ankle in two places.

How about you, Deadsplinters? Would you survive a horror movie?



  1. Not sure how this works but…

    You survived

    You barely made it out a live, but you did it! Sure, you’ll have some serious trauma to work through for years to come from watching everyone around you die, but you’re breathing. That’s what counts!

    When I was a kid and left alone I would sometimes practice what I would do if I was attacked.  I watched way too many scary movies as a kid too but I think I would probably live or die trying to protect someone like my wife that would just stand there and scream.

    • I’m glad you made it out alive. But, having seen a lot of horror movies you must know that the people the hero is trying to protect usually die. Sorry MrsShaq!

  2. huh….wierdly enough…i got the exact same result as you

    i figure in rl id be okay tho….im too stubborn to die…and im sure as hell not gonna get killed

    (no really….cant kill me…i will outlast the fucking cockroaches….no brag,,,im just that kind of filth)

      • /me gets by on the power of no fucks given

        some fucking chav threatened to stab me once

        i called him a sad fucking word im not allowed to say here and haggled him down to trading his hash for my fiver

        the power of no fucks is no joke

    • Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that.  I picked gun as my weapon because it seemed the most reliable. But now I’m thinking of all the times in movies I’ve seen them jam, or the person runs out of ammo and throws the gun. Knife might be the better choice.

      • I chose the hammer for obvious reasons and because it is the superior survival instrument as one can use it for both smashing things/heads and prying things/heads open… and nailing a coffin closed if you chose Vampire. I blame my cursed zodiac bracket for my death.

        • realistically speaking, the gun if you are trained and can use it effectively.

          Otherwise, I’d say the hammer (I’d prefer a basic club, but…).  Knives are good for killing and maiming, but really bad for “self-defense”

          You could stab someone a dozen times in a fight, and they’d barely feel it, and continue to kick your ass, and then sit down afterwards and pass out and die.

          a hammer or other bludgeoning weapon will break bones, which will partially incapacitate someone, and be really damned painful right damned now.

          sidetrack: looking for people’s opinions, how do you think a regular bullet, but electrochemically silver-plated, would work for werewolves?

          • Silver bullet is why I went with the gun, then werewolf (because I had the gun!😉)…

            And like Hannibal, I died after breaking an ankle running away🤣


            But if the silver theory holds with werewolves (annnnnd since the first Stephen King story i ever read was Silver Bullet, I maintain the theory has to hold!😉😁), it shouldn’t matter if it’s electroplated or solid silver… solid silver would probably kill them dead, faster… but a bullet in the correct spot will do the same–the silver in that case *keeping* them dead,since it stops them from using their super-speedy-healing-powers.


            • I gotta say, I love the weird little low-tech work arounds various players have come up with in table-top RPGs.  sure, crafting a silver bullet is difficult, because all the reloading stuff is geared towards lead, and silver has different thermal properties than lead, and casts differently, and contracts less/more, making standard bullet molds not quite as useful.

              But, stuff like gluing a bunch of silver pieces to a club, or melting some silver <something> and dribbling it into water or whatever, to make a bunch of funny shaped blobs, and then just stuffing them into shot gun shells…


              • Heck, if you’re going the “pack a shotgun shell” route, you could just use leftover wire bits from jewelry-making, chopped up all fine/tiny, and wouldn’t even need to bother with casting, necessarily…


                Just thinkin’ bout how one allllllways has the random bin/baggie of leftover wire bits & detritus whenever you play with sterling and/or gold wire–most of us end up keeping that scrap to take in to a jeweler later on for scrap gold or silver… it’d work pretty well to spray/scatter-shot at werewolves, and while not fatal by itself, would definitely increase the damage, when packed as “filler” in with lead (or for waterfowl sake, copper) pellets.😉

                • Also, for bullet-casting purposes, personally I think i’d go with a muzzle-loader…



                  I honestly don’t know THAT much about guns, but I DO have friends who hunt, and from what I understand, the muzzzle-loaders use a bullet with seperate gunpowder & wadding.

                  And then  you could just cast the silver bullet jewelry-style (perhaps even by just making it out of silver clay /PMC & baking it in your oven)😉😁

  3. I lived! I am a Capricorn? Anyone else?

    You survived
    You barely made it out a live, but you did it! Sure, you’ll have some serious trauma to work through for years to come from watching everyone around you die, but you’re breathing. That’s what counts!

  4. I took the quiz and surprisingly survived. I chose the hammer because it seemed the most instinctual to use (no guns, and knife skills don’t translate well to stabby self defence).

    But, to be honest, I’d die off early in a horror film, because I’d clearly be cast as a token minority character who doesn’t have enough screen time for character development. That, or I could completely see myself getting into an argument with another character and dying that way.

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