Coffee Break [29/3/21]

Your mid-morning pick me up.

I don’t typically embrace conspiracy theories, but, I’m beginning to see a pattern.

First they create a crisis.

Then, when we’re housebound and helpless, they steal our packages,

muscle in on our time shares,

and disrupt our mass transit systems.

It looks like even Man’s Best Friend is in on it.

Is this the great animal uprising or the effects of too much caffeine and screen time? Leave your evidence in the comment section. They’re coming for us Deadsplinters, DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR!



  1. I think if owls were allowed jury duty – all guilty people would confess on the spot.

    • I think my mother must have been an owl in a previous life because she had this power. I think a lot of mothers do. One of her death glares and a quiet “What do you think you’re doing?” would freeze a half-dozen pre-teens in their tracks. My father was more like me. “So your mother is a little mad at you. What did you think you were doing today?” “Well, Daddy, the thing is…” and he’d often chuckle and say, “Well promise me you won’t do it again. or at least don’t do it in front of your mother, or within hearing distance.” (This sounds naughtier than it was; we would be play-acting comic book stories and running around screaming, or something like that. For as permissive as the 1970s were we and the neighbors’ kids were so clean-cut. I could tell you horror stories about the children of friends of mine, middle-class and sometimes older doting parents, and what their kids get up to.)

      • One of my aunts was a straight-up hellion as a kid/teenager.  So, none of her three sons could get away with shit–she’d seen and done it all before and you can’t fool the master.

      • If your mother truly was an owl in a previous life “hearing distance” is approximately 6.5 miles. 

    • Oh, hell yeah! They already know what you did.

  2. Well this is just brilliant, and I think we all know that the cats are in on it, if not the ringleaders.

    • No question, there is a cat behind all of it.

  3. Animals find humans to be stupid, easily distracted, and therefore vulnerable to stealth attacks. The animals that get all the press are NOT the ones you must fear. You’re watching the sharks and alligators, and it’s COWS AND HORSES that are eliminating us. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
    You’re worried about the wrong animal attack

    • Speaking of the sheep:


      • @MemeWeaver that’s a big assed sheep! I thought they were supposed to be meek creatures.

        • This one seems to have an attitude. 

        • there are countless youtube videos of some dumbass fucking with a sheep, and then it starts headbutting them.  I’m pretty sure those sheep technically qualified some dumbasses for a Darwin award…

    • You are so right. I have a friend in Britain that has/had a couple of horses. Once when I was visiting her we drove to the horse stable. I like horses so I gamely went along. On the drive over she said, “You’re in a for a real treat because I want to move them to the paddock for the day. You do know how to ride, don’t you?” 
      I do, kind of, but not nearly as well as she does, so we mounted up and I said, “So how far is this paddock?” “Oh, not far at all! Follow my lead.” She also had three beagles, and they were along for the trip. So we trotted down this charming English country lane which was barely wide enough to fit two small cars (and it was a two-lane road) with huge hedges on both sides, she in front of me, the three beagles racing around, the cars pausing respectfully in both directions, her saying hello to everyone because it was a village and they probably had horses themselves…We got to the paddock and she dismounted. I went to do the same and she said, “No, not yet, I’m just opening the gate, once we’re through we have a ways to go.” The “paddock” was more like a cow pasture and the cows took an interest in me. “Oh, don’t mind the cows, Mattie, they’re just curious, they want to get to know you.”
      Trot, trot, trot and finally we arrived. “This is the horses’ favorite spot.” It was the middle of nowhere as far as I could see. I went to dismount and fell flat on my face. I wasn’t injured but I had two horses, three beagles, and maybe two dozen cows galloping over and getting up close and personal. My friend was doubled over in laughter. I thought, “I was lured here to be a human sacrifice. I think [friend] is an animist.” “Mattie, just get up, they’re only coming to say hello. Just don’t try to pat them, just stand and look at them, and they’ll do the same with you.” So I did that. Later, I asked, “What if I did try to pat one of the cows?” “They’d consider it an attack and they’re like dogs, they’re pack-oriented, you attack one and you attack them all. A couple of years ago a young guy very drunkenly tried to cut through here and, well…”

      • @MatthewCrawley I like seeing horse, and I’ve ridden a few times, mostly because my daughter wanted to, but they’re huge animals and I’m more than a little afraid of them. I have no first hand experience with cows but I suspect they know I’ve eaten one or two of their kin. I doubt if they take kindly to that. 

      • I also like horses (I like all animals), but every horseback riding experience has been harrowing. One tried to scrape me off on the side of a mountain. One jumped over a log and almost bucked me (all the other horses in the group stepped over it). And one stopped to eat grass so much we almost got left behind. It’s the only time I felt menaced by a species besides humans.

    • @bryanlsplinter My daughter is a field biologist. On one of her first days on the job she had to park the work truck in a pasture. When she returned from the woods there were a dozen cows crowding around it, they were licking  and head butting it. She called me in hysterics wanting to know what to do, lol. I didn’t know, I’m a town girl same as her. She called a coworker, they laughed and said, “wait until they leave.” She sat there for the better part of an hour before they wandered off. They had scratched the truck pretty good. But at least it wasn’t bulls. 

    • @blue dogcollar Urban foxes are becoming a big problem here. Our parks are overrun with them. Stupid people keep feeding them, we’ve had some biting and too many killed on the roads.

      • Coyotes are good for clearing out the foxes. Also cats and most dogs.

        • But then we’d have a coyote problem. Sort of like the old woman who swallowed the fly.

          • I think this was a Simpsons episode. I can’t remember what they started with, but they brought in subsequently larger and smarter animals to clear out the thing before until finally dolphins had taken over Springfield.

  4. Not sure if anyone here missed the John Oliver episode on conspiracy theories a while back, but it was a good one. It’s stuck with me, in terms of explaining why people buy into them and how to (and more importantly how not to) try to guide them away from conspiracy theories.

    A lot of news has been covering former Q supporters that are coming to their senses recently. It’s kind of fascinating stuff, from a human psychology standpoint. 

    • @BigDamnHeroes I’m listening to a podcast about a woman named Sherry Shriner , she was an internet cult leader. Sort of Q before there was a Q. It’s very interesting but also sad how the lonely and vulnerable are sucked in. 

    • I have not yet found a John Oliver episode that’s not worth watching. They are all fascinating, even when it seems like it’s going to be dull. 

      • Agreed, though sometimes I have small quibbles with them. I actually had a lot of issues with his episode on medical devices (which was my industry for nearly a decade). 

  5. And we haven’t even gotten to the insects yet.  I hear the bees are making a comeback, and boy are they pissed.

    • @farscythe No good at all, it will be letting the other animals into the house while you sleep. 

      • welp….i should still be fine
        the missus sleeps with the door open and im a much faster runner

        • Nobody’s outrunning a horse, farsy. When the shit hits the fan, they will come for you.

          • i dont need to outrun the horse tho
            i just need to not be the slowest person around at any time :p
            that said….i should probably stop slacking off on the cardio

            • You’re assuming they will be satisfied with a single victim. This is not the case. Horses are evil. 

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