DeadSplinter After Dark Investigation: Just How Kinky is the NYC Health Department?

Tuck the kids in. Slip on something more sensual. Turn the lights down low and put on some music to get you in the mood: Luther Vandross. Trey Songz. Smooth jazz. Mastodon. Whatever floats your particular boat.

(I know this isn’t Up! All Night but I recommend this absolutely hilarious Sesame Street song as the soundtrack to this post.)

Feeling relaxed and maybe just a little frisky? Good, because it’s time for the first-ever DeadSplinter After Dark investigation. The subject? An innocuously titled PDF, “Safer Sex and COVID-19,” from the New York City Department of Health.

Here are 10 questions asked and answered about this XXX-rated bodice-ripper of a health department release.

1. Is the NYC Health Department sex positive?

Yes! They are absolutely on top of this, encouraging people to have consensual sex. (Power) Bottoms up!

2. Does the NYCDOH respect its audience?

This one is a little less clear. Again, props to them for suggesting folks have sex, but they don’t seem to think people’s vocabularies are fully engorged. Urban Dictionary exists, people!

3. I’m old enough to remember when Joycelyn Elders got in trouble for saying masturbation should be discussed in sexual education. Where does the NYCDOH stand on it?

They firmly and vigorously grasp the concept.

4. OK, enough with the preliminaries: What’s the health department’s stand on threesomes and orgies?

Tough break if you’re a fan of a crowded bedroom. There’s no “I” in “threesome,” but there is in “infectious.”

5. What about the “No kissing” rule from the movie “Pretty Woman”?

No kiss kiss, yes bang bang.

Unrelated but important note: Julia Roberts is a national treasure.

6. Any other rules on role playing?

Glad you asked! The Health Department does not recommend turning into a furry or role-playing “The Infectious Disease Doctor and Her Medical Student Who Can’t Afford Tuition” but they do say consider keeping the mask on. Hot … in more ways than one.

7. What about partners who can’t be together or sex workers?

This gives me some bad flashbacks to my instant messenger past. If you’re reading this SweeetGrl116911, I am still sorry about … the incident. Ahem. Anyway, at least they acknowledge the existence of sex workers! And I suppose a little Zoom sexy time is better than no sexy time. How are AOL chat rooms these days, better than they were in the ’90s?

8. Shot in the dark here, but do they have a stance on gloryholes?

Let’s get down to it. Not only do they have a stance on gloryholes, they are actively encouraging them as part of keeping safe from coronavirus.

Yes, that’s right, set up a wall between you and your partner/client/random stranger and have at it, says the NYCDOH!

9. What about the post-sex cigarette?

C’mon, they may be a little kinky, but they’re still the health department. They don’t recommend smoking after sex, but you can replace it with sensual but firm hand-washing.

If your kink is cleanliness, this is your moment.

10. On a scale of 1 to 10, how kinky is the NYCDOH?

Points for being sex positive, the gloryhole talk is frank and enlightening, they admit that sex workers exist, they talk about various techniques and positions that aren’t straight white vanilla. Have to dock them a little bit for their “three’s a crowd” bias and their nagginess over Covid-19 … I’m gonna give them a solid 6 out of 10.

New York City Department of Health, I’d like to buy you a drink and if things go well, maybe show you the barrier in my bedroom.