Deadsplinter NFL First Round Draft Grades

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EXCLUSIVE: The ONLY NFL Draft Grades You Need

Here at Deadsplinter we are football knowers. And that means we will give you, the reader, the kind of insight you need to understand the first round of 2023 NFL Draft which took place last week.

And so, here are the draft grades for every team.

Pick 1 — Carolina Panthers: Bryce Young QB Alabama

OK, we’re starting out here with a disaster. Bryce Young. Only 5-10. That just won’t cut it in today’s NFL for a QB. Terrible, terrible thinking. CJ Stroud was right there — why pick Young?


Pick 2 — Houston Texans: C. J. Stroud QB Ohio State

Gotta wonder what the Texans were thinking here. At 6-3, Stroud is much too much on the tall side for a QB in today’s NFL. Should have thought harder about trading up for Young.


Pick 3 — Houston Texans: Will Anderson Jr. LB Alabama

C’mon, Houston. You had the #2 and #3 picks and you couldn’t work out a package to trade up to #1? This is just bad planning.


Pick 4 — Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Richardson QB Florida

At 6-4, 255 lbs, Richardson is practically as big as Stroud and Young together. Anyone can tell you that there is a perfect size for a QB, and it definitely isn’t what you see in Richardson.


Pick 5 — Seattle Seahawks: Devon Witherspoon CB Illinois

Seriously? What’s the logic of picking a cornerback here? This is the place you should be thinking of an impact position like offensive tackle.


Pick 6 — Arizona Cardinals: Paris Johnson Jr. OT Ohio State (Trade from Detroit)

Whoa whoa whoa, Arizona. You trade all the way up to this point and you pick an offensive tackle? What are you thinking? Why not pick a higher impact position like cornerback? You can never have enough CBs in today’s NFL.


Pick 7 — Las Vegas Raiders: Tyree Wilson DE Texas Tech

Just terrible strategy here. When the top three QBs picked are all the wrong size, why not get a QB who is the right size?


Pick 8 — Atlanta Falcons: Bijan Robinson RB Texas

Two players from Texas in a row? Does Texas even have a tradition of good football? Hello?


Pick 9 — Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Carter DT Georgia (Trade from Chicago)

Pick 10 — Chicago Bears: Darnell Wright OT Tennessee (Trade from Philadelphia)

Sure, Philadelphia and Chicago. Like we can’t tell what’s happening here. You guys had no idea what you were doing, so you just created this meaningless swap out of thin air in order to distract everyone from the fact that you’re both a bunch of dunces. YOU’RE FOOLING NOBODY!


Pick 11 — Tennessee Titans: Peter Skoronski OT Northwestern

What are you thinking, Tennessee? An offensive tackle here? Why not pick a guy who scores touchdowns, like running back Jahmyr Gibbs?


Pick 12 — Detroit Lions: Jahmyr Gibbs RB Alabama (Trade from Arizona)

So let me get this straight, Detroit. You could have picked an offensive tackle like Paris Johnson and you traded down, only to get Jahmyr Gibbs? I mean, if you didn’t like Johnson you could have stayed pat and gotten Peter Skoronski. You really outthought yourself here.


Pick 13 — Green Bay Packers: Lukas Van Ness DE Iowa (Trade from New York Jets)

Wow, you could have had a great defensive end like Will McDonald IV and you ended up with Lukas Van Ness? What were you thinking, cheeseheads?


Pick 14 — Pittsburgh Steelers: Broderick Jones OT Georgia (Trade from New England)

Like we said with the Cards picking Paris Johnson, why would a team pick an offensive tackle when today’s NFL puts a premium on quality cornerbacks?


Pick 15 — New York Jets: Will McDonald IV DE Iowa State (Trade from Green Bay)

What’s that sound? That’s the sound of the Jets SUCKING, that’s what! They traded down and ended up with a terrible defensive end like Will McDonald IV when they could have had Lukas Van Ness.


Pick 16 — Washington Commanders: Emmanuel Forbes CB Mississippi State

Wow. Just wow. The commanders could have picked a real impact cornerback like Christian Gonzalez, and they chose Emmanuel Forbes? Not a good sign for the new owners.


Pick 17 — New England Patriots: Christian Gonzalez CB Oregon (Trade from Pittsburgh)

Not only did the Patriots pick a stiff like Gonzalez who will never be a real impact cornerback, they traded here to pick a CB when they could have had an impact player at a more important position like offensive tackle.


Pick 18 — Detroit Lions: Jack Campbell LB Iowa

Right, Lions. Your coach is Dan Campbell and you pick a guy named “Jack Campbell.”

Nepo baby much, Detroit?


Pick 19 — Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Calijah Kancey DT Pittsburgh

I don’t think you can even draft players who are under contract for another NFL team like the Steelers. This won’t even get approval from the league’s front office.


Pick 20 — Seattle Seahawks: Jaxon Smith-Njigba WR Ohio State

You know Smith-Njigba’s stats were wildly inflated because he played with QB CJ Stroud at Ohio State, who was pretty much the ideal size for a quarterback.


Pick 21 –- Miami Dolphins: Selection forfeited

Wait, what? Miami forfeited their pick in the strongest draft in decades? What were they thinking?


Pick 22 — Los Angeles Chargers: Quentin Johnston WR TCU

In the weakest draft in decades, you have to wonder if the Chargers would have been better off just forfeiting their pick. At any rate, why not pick Zay Flowers? HE WAS RIGHT THERE!


Pick 23 — Baltimore Ravens: Zay Flowers WR Boston College

Zay Flowers???? Jordan Addison was right there, Baltimore. HE WAS RIGHT THERE!


Pick 24 — Minnesota Vikings: Jordan Addison WR USC

Jordan Addison? You know the Vikings are kicking themselves that they couldn’t have picked Quentin Johnston or Zay Flowers, arguably the best wide receivers in the strongest draft in decades.


Pick 25 — New York Giants: Deonte Banks CB Maryland (Trade from Jacksonville)

Pick 26 — Buffalo Bills: Dalton Kincaid TE Utah Pac-12 (Trade from NY Giants )

Pick 28 — Jacksonville Jaguars: Anton Harrison OT Oklahoma (Trade from Buffalo)

When the Eagles and the Bears swapped picks at #9 and #10, you could tell they were playing seven dimensional chess. But here? Like we can’t tell what’s happening? You guys had no idea what you were doing, so you just created this meaningless three way swap out of thin air in order to distract everyone from the fact that you’re both a bunch of dunces. YOU’RE FOOLING NOBODY!


Pick 27 — Dallas Cowboys: Mazi Smith DT Michigan

So let me get this straight, Cowboys. While the Giants, Bills and Jaguars are executing a three way trade of picks all around you, all you do is stand still? Smart teams trade and everyone can see how smart they are. You guys are dummies.


Pick 29 — Cincinnati Bengals: Myles Murphy DE Clemson

If you had to pick a defensive lineman from Clemson, why not pick Bryan Bresee?


Pick 30 — New Orleans Saints: Bryan Bresee DT Clemson ACC (Trade from San Francisco via Miami and Denver)

You see how a smart team like Dallas just stays still? You guys engineered this trade involving San Francisco, Miami and Denver. There are too many opportunities for you to get snookered. Maybe just stand still next time, poindexters. And as it stands, you ended up with a Clemson defensive lineman who isn’t nearly as good as Myles Murphy.


Pick 31 — Philadelphia Eagles: Nolan Smith LB Georgia

They say close only counts for horseshoes and hand grenades. Well, you guys came close to winning the Super Bowl and ending up with Nolan Smith sure seems like a double gut punch after that.


Pick 32 — Kansas City Chiefs: Felix Anudike-Uzomah DE Kansas State

Was winning the Super Bowl really worth it if you end up picking someone like this? Shank a field goal, miss a tackle, and you could have lost by a nose and still picked up a guy like Nolan Smith.




    • Officially they were “tampering” to get Brady to sign with them.

      But Brian Flores made it pretty clear they were intentionally tanking when he filed a discrimination lawsuit over his coaching employment. Goodell doesn’t want admit Flores has cause, so he ended up trying a bank shot with the Brady stuff.

  1. …as whatever the opposite of a football knower might be…an unknower, maybe?

    …this is clearly the crib sheet I needed to now confidently go forth & hold court on the manifest errors of all concerned

    …I’m new to this, though…at some point when their shock wears off (…baby steps & all…I figure best to start on people I actually know) I assume etiquette demands that I cite my sources lest I myself be confused with a knower par excellence such as yourself

    …which is presumably the opposite of no harm, no foul…or would be if I’m weren’t inclined to think that would be another ballpark altogether?

    …either way…thank you kindly for an edifying read that I have total confidence shall stand me in good stead henceforth

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