In the Days Before Phones
When I was a kid there was always a fight over the newspaper comics, and the loser ended up staring at a cereal box while eating breakfast before the schoolbus came.
And Kellogs, Post and General Mills knew the value of a captive audience. Building brand ID, cementing consumer loyalty, they took advantage of a captive audience in a way a lot of other manufacturers never did. There are no riddles on the backs of toothpaste tubes, no cartoons on toilet paper, no inspirational quotes on the back of peanut butter jars.
And to this day the tradition continues, even as most people stare at their phones as they stick spoonfuls of cereal in their mouths at seven in the morning.
A Big Mess of Stew — The Front
It only takes a second to realize that this is not a coherent story, of course. What you read on the box is a bunch of different messages. Take a look at the front.
The single most important thing isn’t even the words, it’s that iconic mass of yellow that you can identify from twenty yards as a Cheerios box. Which is why it’s weird that they added the big black box on the front for the giveaway promo for S’well food packaging. I can only imagine the battles between brand managers over that real estate.
Also striking is the apparent balancing of health messages, with “Gluten Free” appearing smaller and less prominently than the “Can Help Lower Cholesterol” message which requires a ton of qualifying text. I’m sure consumer surveys helped General Mills determine which message appealed to more people, but I’m skeptical all of that small print is worth it. Eh — I bet everyone involved is kidding themselves over how many people pay attention to the front of the box.
The “Limited Edition” bit, the change from the traditional “O” shape to the heart shape, OK, sure, maybe 1% of Cheerios consumers are excited, but to be honest, if you’re buying Cheerios you don’t want them to change in any meaningful way.
The Sides of the Box
Here you see the guts — this is the stuff for the people who really, really want or need to know what’s in Cheerios. The Celiac Disease Foundation badge and fiber information are clearly important enough to get a bit more real estate than the no-GMO statement, all of which matter more than the iron or vitamin A.
I’m sure that there are random libertarian complaints that there are any government requirements at all about labelling, but I’m glad this stuff shows up — there are occasionally times when I’m shopping and I want to know what’s in packaged food. And I definitely don’t want to have to sit on my phone for ten minutes digging through several corporate websites for ingredient lists so I can make a simple comparison or find out if it’s OK to serve to a vegetarian friend.
And from a simple readability perspective, this is actually a lot cleaner than the mess up front created by the unregulated corporate synergy with S’well.
And Now For Your Home Invasion
The back of the box is what most people care about. It’s where there are no government regulations, no corporate branding rules. So let’s see what family friendly fun we have here.
If you haven’t skipped ahead, it’s a celebrity endorsement. A celebrity introduced with the words “Time to feel the groove and start to move. Before you start to shake and shimmy all around, round up a bowl and enjoy a heart healthy breakfast with Cheerios.”
And when I read copy like that, anyone would naturally also think of “I got my brain on hype/Tonight I’ll be your night/I got this long-assed knife/And your neck looks just right”
Cop Killer — the song so hated by the conservatives that Dan Quayle called it obscene and President Bush I attacked the head of Warner Records for releasing it. Charlton Heston, Senators Moynihan and D’Amato, and the head of the National Association of Chiefs of Police all demanded it be shelved.
And it was. To this day, it is unavailable on any legal streaming service. But of course in the stupid discourse then and now, it gets left out of the narrative of cancellation.
But anyone who watches US TV can tell you that Ice-T made the transition to the Law and Order Multiverse. And now he stares out at you from the back of your cereal box, next to the most awkward rhyme and rhythmless meter I think I’ve ever read.
Not even that long ago, Ice-T still had enough rep to be the subject of a Key and Peele skit about what happens when a nice couple adopts his dog, and the horrible things that Ice-T’s dog does on their sofa.
I honestly don’t know how to process this. I can’t blame him for taking the check — Cheerios is fine, exercise is fine. I suppose it’s good that people and a major corporation aren’t hung up on a 30 year old controversy. It just seems odd how it’s all just dim echoes now.
And yet, we may well see a return to what he went through. The New York Times has now run multiple pieces proclaiming that the roots of antisemitism lie with Black entertainers, while silencing mentions of Trump’s overt antisemitism and GOP complicity. The GOP wants to pivot from “cancel culture” complaints to demonization of songs like Cop Killer, and we may well see outlets like the NY Times follow along to brand right wing bigots like Ye to be a liberal problem, because in their mind the savvy take is all Blacks are the same and can be turned into demons to haunt Ohio diners with no cost to anyone who really matters to The Times.
The original Cop Killer outrage took place after the publication of Illiberal Education launched the PC panic, and yet the press had no problem amplifying both right wing panics simultaneously without stopping for a second to recognize what it was doing. That mindset never went away, and may well swell and fester.
But I hope Cheerios and Ice-T are OK.
I think Ice-T does a better job at selling lemonade.
I kinda think it’s bullshit that they claim to be gluten free. They use commodity oats and there is a risk of cross-contamination.
Also I love cheerios so this makes me want to go buy a box.
My kids eat Cheerios for breakfast every morning. The heart shaped ones bring them much joy.
Hip hop was supposed to be about keeping it real and most those that preached it, well….
Punk kind of the same thing…
Within both I am sure many stayed “true,” but it seems the ones that could, sold, for whatever that is worth…