Ding dong, the witch is dead!
Not buried, but dead for now. Roger Goodell can sleep soundly that no matter what punishment he doles out to the Patriots for their latest videotaping bullshit, he won’t have to force a smile onto his face whilst handing Belicheck the Lombardi trophy next month.
I’m no fan of the Ginger Hammer, but in this case I’m okay with him getting what he wants, because it’s about time Tommy B got taken out back. Old Yeller took a dive into the ditch of rabies this year, and it’s time to get that MAGA grin and the six rings out before he soils himself any further. I know Brady thinks he’s covered himself in Miracle Cream and is invincible but my eyes say otherwise. He’s one pants-shit away from death’s door. I know it can be uncomfortable to watch a great player become a shell of his former self, though I wonder how many people outside New England would care if he stuck around and did exactly that.
Tommy’s as old as I am, and I may not be a finely tuned professional athlete, if he has half as many pops and cracks as I do when he gets up every morning, and he probably does with all the abuse his body has taken over the years, he should hang ‘em up. I mean, in a world where Gronk was smart enough to walk away before he became a cripple, Brady should objectively be done now. Subjectively, it would be wonderful to know that I won’t have to tolerate his preening ass any longer and have to pencil in the Pats for a division title.
The Games
Five Throwgasms!
Titans @ Ravens: Uhhh…there’s gonna be a lot of ground gained on the ground in this one. Tennessee pulled what I’m terming a second Music City Miracle last week with that pick-6, even though yes, they were leading at the time. They are gonna need that magic against Lamar and the unstoppable killing machine that he leads. It’s a good thing nobody looks here when they want to place their bets on games, because damn did the Pats let out one big wet fart before they died.
Texans @ Chiefs: It’s weird, having seen Jackson’s rise, to know that just last year Patrick Mahomes was the hip new flavor of QB and setting crazy records of his own. What a twist! /Shyamalan. Now he’s more or less an also-ran, certainly not grabbing the big headlines anymore. And that could very well play to his advantage. But Andy Reid still can’t manage clocks or win big games, so I don’t know what to expect here. DeShaun Watson is a goddamn maniac, and that play from last week will be a highlight forever. If the Texans can pull this off, we stand a real chance of getting Watson versus Jackson for the conference title. Throwgasms indeed.
Four Throwgasms
Seahawks @ Packers: Look, I’m not gonna sit here and say that this won’t be a good game, because it will be. But holy shit, the NFC is setting up to be boring as fuck. The Packers are not the type of team I expected to see sitting here with a bye, but Rodgers is always good for the occasional miracle, and Russ and Beast Mode are still forces. That said…BORING.
Vikings @ 49ers: Well, I added Kirk Cousins to the list of QBs to get their first playoff win before Matt Stafford. King Choke got it done, and we can’t say that they won in spite of him when he did the deed in OT like that. Unburdened, will it matter? Maybe, maybe not, but it should provide fuel to this game at least.
Three Throwgasms
NONE
Two Throwgasms
NONE
One Throwgasm
NONE
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
I know we tend to use this space for a different haughty dipshit every week, and repeats don’t happen. Well here’s the thing; War doesn’t happen every day. So your dipshit? The limp-dicked, small-handed, egomaniacal narcissist Biff Tannen. It’s enough to where if I write this column again next season, I may just change this to the Biff Tannen Memorial Haughty Dipshit of the Week.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: 49ers -7
Man, that Jimmy G is something, isn’t he? I haven’t seen an arm like that since me! I don’t know how anybody can beat the Niners!
2019 Magic Record: 8-7-1
Magic Playoff Record 0-1
Fire this Asshole!
- Jay Gruden–DEAD!
- Ron Rivera—DEAD! (Back to life as a zombie in WSH)
- Jason Garrett—DEAD!
- Pat Shurmur—DEAD!
- Freddie Kitchens—DEAD!
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
All this talk about war, well, if you need a fallout shelter, look no further than your outhouse! It already has a hole dug in it that nobody wants to go into, and no zombies would look for you there. And the shit you’d get on you would help you rejoin society after.
Gratuitous Futurama Quote:
Oh dear! She’s stuck in an infinite loop, and he’s an idiot! Well, that’s love for you.
Enjoy the games, everybody.
I don’t know what is happening here because sprots, but this is a great turn of phrase:
“Old Yeller took a dive into the ditch of rabies this year, and it’s time to get that MAGA grin and the six rings out before he soils himself any further.”
I’m not a sprots person either but this is entertaining as hell.
Thanks! 😀
It’s nice to see Throwgasms again.
Question, is “5 Throwgasms” the total number of passes that will occur in that game or ??? I will admit that the Seahawks are boring in the first half of games but damn, they sure make things interesting in the end.
Dissing the Saints and the Patriots with one feature image = a pretty clever move.
Glad to see the Pats out of it, but not happy to see them fall to a steak-head like Vrabel.
I must admit that Sabbath is not where I go when I need to run through a brick wall but kudos on that choice. However, it was going to be my DUAN today so screw you 😉
One of the things I think gets overlooked with the rise of the Seachickens in this millennium is them moving from the dome to an outdoor stadium. You could always bet on a hawks road loss in the old days. It seems the reverse has happened in Green Bay in the A-A-Ron years. Never losing a playoff game at home until Mike Vick came to town and now 4-2 since their Bowl win. That’s still a nice record but they went 70+ years never losing before then. No more ghosts to worry about at Lambeau.
I’d like to bet the Vikings but not on grass. They are a run 1st, tough D squad but the 9ers are for real and I think the best team in The League.
I do think Andy Reid is forever to be the bridesmaid, kind of like Bum Phillips. I’d bet against the Chiefs with such a bad defense in the playoffs but the Texans in the elements aren’t that appealing.
There are a ton of biases as to why I picked Russel Wilson to be a good QB but the one I picked to be the best of that draft was Ryan Tannehill. Even though I like Mariota too I’m more excited that Tannehill is having a breakthrough now that he’s on a good team. The Titans are a very attractive road dog but just don’t have enough playmakers to make a go of it. Henry went for 1,500 on the ground but the next guy only went for 209. There was also a 400yd difference between the top 2 Wides and no one I’d worry about getting behind the Raven DBs.
Ravens, Chiefs, 9ers and a homer pick in Seattle will be my 4 moving on.
My Lions gripe of week is the BS on Monday that Stafford would go to NE to replace Brady and the Lions would draft Tua. Now I’d love to see Matty Stats go somewhere that gives him a chance to win but Tua would be a disaster for the Lions. Even if his health hold up they’d have no idea how to make use of him….fuck the Lions.
…glad to see DUAN poaching hits more shortlists than mine so even if I can’t speak intelligibly about the sports angle & least for once I can honestly say I share your pain?
I deliberately didn’t choose Bowie’s Let’s Dance last night out of deference to you. And you didn’t post it!
…very kind – but ruined entirely by my inability to narrow my list appropriately on the day, I fear?
“I’d like to bet the Vikings but not on grass.”
I’d like to see the Vikes win too, buuuuut they ARE a Minnesota team.
As such, are canonically required to baaaarely squeak into the playoffs long enough to raise Minnesotans’ hopes of finallllly winning the big show, before SPECTACULARLY crashing & burning in a new and entirely unpredictable way….
See also: The Kick
(and every other crash & burn of the last 43+ years of my existence, Minus the 1989 & ’91 Twins😉)
…for the record I vote for that after the inauguration of the Biff Tannen Memorial Dipshit of the Week award it go, by convention, to the 2nd place finisher…on the basis that Biff himself is & always shall be the big-ly-est haughty dipshit ever to dip & the chances of anyone surpassing him seem slim-to-none?
but then what do I know – I’m not the betting sort & I know essentially fuck all about sports…?
Biff is, of course, a legendary, first-ballot Hall of Fame, tell-your-grandkids-about-him dipshit, but the Jon Chait galaxy-brain “Ackkkkchuleeee Bloomberg is a good choice” ran through social media today like Lamar slashing through a defense, so I gotta put in a plug for that one.
In the wake of the collapse last week by the Bills, I thought this stand up bit by Joe Pera would be appropriate:
He explains why the Bills are the best team in the NFL.
If you haven’t seen Pera I will warn you that his delivery is… unconventional. His show on Adult Swim is tremendous but also not what you might expect.
“Bringing Families Together”
My Cowboys got Tomsula! I think they hired some other coaches too but the important thing is TOMSULA! I can’t wait to get recipes for sweaty sock hobo stew and the like.