Eli Manning Retired While I Was Trying to Get Over the Flu

So a bunch of cool and noteworthy shit happened over the past few days — Patrick Mahomes is continuing the quest to keep the playoffs black AF, Jimmy Garoppolo is going to the Super Bowl despite only attempting 8 gotdamn passes in a game, Antonio Brown seems totally fine and is not at all exhibiting the kind of behavior that should have us all terrified for his mental and physical health — but I was too sick and too tired to really give a shit about any of it. I spent much of the three day weekend wondering when, exactly, I would stop having a fever, and therefore stop being so cold, and then so hot, and then so cold, and then so hot again.

If I still engaged with Twitter (PRO TIP: delete Twitter, it’s garbage and your life is better without it, trust me) I would’ve probably seen that Eli Manning has retired after 16 years of perfectly average service, and it’ll will be made official at a press conference on Friday. If my throat did not burn so much I could belch fire, I would’ve made some undoubtedly witty and hilarious asides about Eli’s perfectly average averageness; he literally retires with a win-loss record of 117-117, an incredibly cromulent 1.5 touchdowns for every 1 interception he threw.

He was so mind-numbingly “okay” as an NFL quarterback that Bill Belichick’s vaunted “take away what they do best” approach simply couldn’t contend with Eli’s ability to barely scramble out of a sack and chuck a duck to David Tyree for the luckiest completion ever, only for Eli to do the same thing again on an arguably crazier and even harder throw to Mario Manningham. Eli got two Super Bowl rings, did it before his way more talented brother Peyton, and basically lived off that reputation for the latter portion of his career.

If I didn’t have pains that made me wonder if existing was worth it, I’d say I’d put Eli Manning in the Hall of Fame, if only so we don’t have to deal with “should Eli Manning be in the Hall” takes for the next ten fucking years. We all know he’s eventually gonna go in, so you might as well just put him in on the first ballot and save everyone the trouble.

If this Dayquil wasn’t wearing off and if the sneezing would JUST FUCKING END, PLEASE, I’d wish Eli Manning a happy retirement, and safe travels being a perfectly mediocre color analyst who’s voice signifies you’re getting one of the shitty games this week. “Ahhhhh fuck, Dick Stockton and Eli Manning? This game is going SUCK.”

About KC Complains A Lot 135 Articles
KC Complains A Lot is another refugee from Deadspin. He enjoys writing and not caving to pressure from herbs.


  1. This is a good summary of the case for and against Eli:


    Eli Manning is in almost every statistical respect the definition of mediocrity. The fact that he was permitted to do his very average job for so very long in very pass-friendly era, however, put him in the top ten for passing yards all time.

    That plus two Super Bowl rings is going to get Eli Manning into the Hall of Fame.

    • Two Super Bowl rings by beating the Belichick+Brady Patriots, even. Eli would get in the HoF if those were the only two games he ever played solely on spite.

  2. Though I understand Eli was never that great, his last 8 years were wasted, not by him sitting on his SB MVP’s but by the organization resting on their laurels. He eventually became shell shocked, which was the exact opposite of the only thing not average about Eli, pressure throws and the ability to stay in the pocket. The last 8 years or more there was no defense and no offensive line. That is not on Eli.

  3. I’m a big Eli fan and over on the #handegg page stated my support for him being in the Hall. I don’t really care for any of the Halls of fame and think the Pro Football is the lowest rung on the ladder. Basketball and Hockey do the best to include the entire sport and Baseball is real good at limiting the classes to only a few a year and sometimes have had no inductees.

    It is hard to argue with Archie pulling rank and getting him out of San Diego but I was done with him after that. I think if Eli was able to play with the Chargers he still get a ring and his numbers would be a lot better. The Giants never gave him anything to work with and in SD he’d have Gates, Tomlinson, Allen and Williams (just off the top of my head).

    • I never warmed up to Elway after his refusal to play for the Colts. Philip Rivers seems to have had a pretty nice career during the same years that Eli should have been there.

  4. Man, I hope you get over that bug soon. But the flu pretty much serves as a good metaphor for Eli’s last 3 seasons or so.

    Hard to believe that in 2016, the Ben McAdoo-coached Giants went 11-5 and lost a wildcard playoff game to the Packers.

  5. Eli Manning is the poster child for nepotism. I honestly didn’t care about him one way or the other until he pulled that bullshit with SD and NY at the draft. If his daddy wasn’t Archie Manning, his ass would have gone to SD like every other #1 pick (assuming, of course, that he would have been #1 without the name recognition). Even though Peyton supported him during that fiasco, I have this little fantasy that when they were in the privacy of a hotel room, Peyton grabbed his little brother’s collar and said, “look here, you little shit. I had to go to Indianapolis and eat turf for a season because that’s what number one picks do.”

    Hell, even Peyton benefited from Daddy’s influence. There’s no denying Petyon’s talent, but the fact that his successor in Tennessee, Tee Martin, took the Volunteers to a perfect season and a national championship, and then languished as a 5th rounder who rode the bench for four years should tell you plenty.

    Eli will be a first-ballot Hall of Famer strictly due to Daddy’s influence. He has no business being there, two rings or not. The total scope of his career is what matters.

    I’m really not looking forward to his inevitable broadcast career starting next year. Not just because Eli Manning is everything that is wrong with Western Civilization, but also because he’s a grown man who has no idea what consonants are. I have no desire to watch him slur his way through calling a game. I’d rather watch Pheel Sims.

  6. Eli is the “basic white bitch” of QBs and by all statistical data should not be in the HOF. That said, if I had a vote I would probably vote yes (and I am a Cowboy fan) for him just based on the circumstances of those 2 Superbowl runs. They were epic runs against historically good Pats teams with EPIC plays. Plus, just think about what that bust is gonna look like!

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