So a bunch of cool and noteworthy shit happened over the past few days — Patrick Mahomes is continuing the quest to keep the playoffs black AF, Jimmy Garoppolo is going to the Super Bowl despite only attempting 8 gotdamn passes in a game, Antonio Brown seems totally fine and is not at all exhibiting the kind of behavior that should have us all terrified for his mental and physical health — but I was too sick and too tired to really give a shit about any of it. I spent much of the three day weekend wondering when, exactly, I would stop having a fever, and therefore stop being so cold, and then so hot, and then so cold, and then so hot again.
If I still engaged with Twitter (PRO TIP: delete Twitter, it’s garbage and your life is better without it, trust me) I would’ve probably seen that Eli Manning has retired after 16 years of perfectly average service, and it’ll will be made official at a press conference on Friday. If my throat did not burn so much I could belch fire, I would’ve made some undoubtedly witty and hilarious asides about Eli’s perfectly average averageness; he literally retires with a win-loss record of 117-117, an incredibly cromulent 1.5 touchdowns for every 1 interception he threw.
He was so mind-numbingly “okay” as an NFL quarterback that Bill Belichick’s vaunted “take away what they do best” approach simply couldn’t contend with Eli’s ability to barely scramble out of a sack and chuck a duck to David Tyree for the luckiest completion ever, only for Eli to do the same thing again on an arguably crazier and even harder throw to Mario Manningham. Eli got two Super Bowl rings, did it before his way more talented brother Peyton, and basically lived off that reputation for the latter portion of his career.
If I didn’t have pains that made me wonder if existing was worth it, I’d say I’d put Eli Manning in the Hall of Fame, if only so we don’t have to deal with “should Eli Manning be in the Hall” takes for the next ten fucking years. We all know he’s eventually gonna go in, so you might as well just put him in on the first ballot and save everyone the trouble.
If this Dayquil wasn’t wearing off and if the sneezing would JUST FUCKING END, PLEASE, I’d wish Eli Manning a happy retirement, and safe travels being a perfectly mediocre color analyst who’s voice signifies you’re getting one of the shitty games this week. “Ahhhhh fuck, Dick Stockton and Eli Manning? This game is going SUCK.”