Falcons Straight Up Say They Have No Intention of Winning, Bringing Back Dan Quinn and Thomas Dimitroff

Pictured, the end of civilization as we know it.

The most agonizing thing about football is the part where you desperately want your football team to lose, and they don’t. Every team that’s looking ahead to the draft, or a new coach, or a new general manager, or the hope that maybe their team won’t be so ass next year hits a point where you just want them to fucking lose so there’s no excuses to not blow shit up.

When the Atlanta Falcons were 1-7, I imagine many fans had that feeling. Perhaps they could get young passer rusher Chase Young with a high draft pick. And they’d be finally rid of Dan Quinn, a man who, outside of one Super Bowl run (that mostly seems to have been orchestrated by current 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan and an MVP season from…Hall of Fame(?) quarterback Matt Ryan), has proven time and time again that he probably shouldn’t be an NFL head coach.

And there’s no shame in that! Football needs more guys who are comfortable being coordinators and coaches! Maybe football would be less terrible if people weren’t fixated on winning the top job and maybe just focused on securing the House and the Senate, thereby allowing the best possible candidates to step up and run the country. Being President…err, sorry, a head coach (talking about the Falcons is kinda dull when they’re bad and my mind went other places), kinda sucks and is terrible! And Dan Quinn isn’t really great at his job!

On top of that, Thomas Dimitroff has been around since 2008, and…he’s okay? There are probably worse general managers, but Dimitroff isn’t actually setting the skies ablaze with his talent evaluation either. An 11 year career in the NFL is like a 3 century career everywhere else, but sometimes people need to move on. Sometimes they just have to accept that times have passed them buy, that the halcyon days when they thought they got it are gone. And really, they never really got it, they just sort of faked it until they made it, making numerous gaffes along the way. And because they’re kinda affable and come across slightly less like dicks, they get away with it. And then you noticed they authored the 1994 Crime Bill that paved the way for our for-profit prison system to flourish and incarcerate millions of black men for relatively harmless crimes, and that he has a knack for inappropriately touching women, and that he didn’t support busing, and hangs out with (and even speak fondly of!) fucking segregationist, and you’re like, fuck off Joe Biden, go home, no one really wants you! Except everyone is too fucking scared and terrified to want someone else to run the country, and the rest of are too scared of what will happen if we don’t vote for this moron who literally struggles with his dentures on TV, and he gets props for basically being coherent, and that’s the moment when you’re like “Fuck, Joe Biden is the Democratic Donald Trump and I’m gonna have to vote for the very thing I hate in order to save myself from the thing I hate more”, and then you got into a depressive spiral in which the future looks increasingly bleak no matter what direction you turn. And you want to go to a psychiatrist or a therapist to talk this shit out, but then you realize how much fucking money those costs, and why the fuck don’t we have universal healthcare again?

I’m sorry, I went off on one again. At any rate, Dan Quinn and Thomas Dimitroff will be back next year to be just good enough for no one to believe they actually have a chance of winning anything good, and I’ll be sitting here wondering why the hell Julian Castro isn’t on a stage and fucking Michael Bloomberg is.

About KC Complains A Lot 135 Articles
KC Complains A Lot is another refugee from Deadspin. He enjoys writing and not caving to pressure from herbs.


  1. As a Seahawk fan, we will definitely take him off your hands as our defensive coordinator again. The D has gone to hell since he left though much of that may have more to do w/ having to pay Wilson enough to pay half the defense.

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