So a friend of mine passed the bar exam a few weeks ago (yes, he’s younger than me) and decided he was going to have a party. In a moment of whimsy, he elected to have it at a local dive bar (name redacted but it includes the words “parrot” and “green”) because he hung out there in his youth (Youth being like 6 years ago — God, I’m old. Places I hung out in have been bulldozed.).
With me so far? Okay. Invites are texted, some discussion occurs between several of us (Are you going? I’ve got a Little League game with my kid. Are you going? Yeah, pretty sure I can make it …) which is the manner of such things. Other conversational bits also were inserted — why the fuck did he pick this dump? But it was generally acknowledged that we would all show up at the agreed-upon time and date.
Fast forward to that date. It’s basically a graduation party, but it’s in a dive, so I settled on slacks and a button-down shirt. I drive to the bar at the appointed time and headed inside.
Now, you must understand one thing about me. When confronting the unknown I charge straight into it. I do not tentatively open the door and peer inside, blinking owlishly in the dim lighting. I stride in there like I own the place.
Except none of my friends were there. A couple of dudes who looked like they just got out of Raiford Correctional Institute were shooting pool. A couple others seemed to be conducting a drug deal at the bar. Teeth were in short supply. Beards were voluminous. And all of them turned to stare at me.
But I don’t falter. I head up to the bar, plop down, and order a beer while groping for my phone. The regulars continued to stare for a minute and then slowly returned to their games and transactions. I gratefully grasp my beer, take swig, and start texting. “Hey, where are you guys? I’m at the bar for the party.”
“Uh, the party is next week, dumbass.” Well, fuck.
So, Deadsplinters, now you tell me. When did you innocently wander into a situation for which you were completely unprepared and in which you stood out like a sore thumb? Bonus points if you got the date wrong. Please, make me feel like less of a dumbass.