Friends. I was sent into the dog house by Better Half. We got into a minor dispute, which escalated, because neither of us were entirely sober. And it was so stupid, because it was something insubstantial, and we talked and argued over each other, and I committed the cardinal sin, and said, “You’re like Hazza and Megs, you have Your Own Truth, but here on planet earth—-“ Now, mind you, few people I know have more contempt for the Duchess of Griftex than BH does, and meanwhile my position is, “Oh, Hazza, let me just spend a weekend at Frogmore alone with you. You’ll forget some of that family/childhood/unspecified trauma soon enough.”
And I was right. I wish I could remember the topic of the conversation. BH HATES to be contradicted (It’s the CEO-itis) and gets even more enraged when he’s proven wrong. Not to the point of physical violence. He used to play competitive tennis, so it’s always more like, we meet at the net, I’ve won the match, and he gives me the loser’s scowl.
This is why we go our separate ways, professionally (although I am his unpaid and unacknowledged occasional Executive Assistant) and politically, and only meet culturally and in a family way. So we’ll have a conversation while watching a TV series or a movie, with the Faithful Hound squeezed in with us, and one of us will say, “Wasn’t she the mother in [whatever throwaway Hollywood production]?” and I will say, “No, you’re thinking of [C-List actor.]” And he’ll google, and it’ll turn out we’re both wrong, because Hollywood doesn’t make ‘em like they used to.
Anyway, earlier that day I had made a big batch of salmon mousse topping, which was chilling, so to soothe his savage breast I trotted it out. That lured him away from his fucking iPad which, if I could go back in time, I’d…
This is actually fun to make, and somewhat healthy, so Snacks For Dinner.
Ingredients
2 English cucumbers [These are seedless and have thinner skins, so you don’t have to peel them. Barb does, but I didn’t.]
1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1/2 pound smoked salmon or lox
1 tablespoon 2% milk [Oh no you don’t. 1 tablespoon 2% milk? I might as well dip in my dog’s water bowl.]
1 teaspoon lemon-pepper seasoning [You can forgo this, because I’m not sure what this is, and the amount is so scant, I just left this out altogether. It becomes part of the mousse and I don’t think I missed anything.]
1 teaspoon snipped fresh dill
Salt and pepper to taste
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
Additional snipped fresh dill
Directions
1. Peel strips from cucumbers to create a decorative edge [I think what Barb means is peel so the cukes become like hexagonal or octagonal, and it was a rule like this which is why the UK voted to leave the EU. Or maybe that was over bendy bananas.] Cut cucumbers into 1/2-in. slices. Using a melon baller, remove a small amount of cucumber from the center, leaving the bottom intact. [This is very tedious. You can also use a grapefruit spoon, if you have one, or a fish knife, if you’re very careful, but the point is you don’t want to pierce the skin.]
2. Place the cream cheese, salmon, milk, lemon pepper and dill in a food processor; cover and process until blended. Transfer to a small bowl and season with salt and pepper. In another bowl, beat cream until stiff peaks form. Fold into salmon mixture.
3. Pipe or dollop mousse onto cucumber slices; garnish with dill. Refrigerate until ready to serve.
Salmon mousse canapes sound way to fancy for my pedestrian tastes, but I would eat them, that’s for sure.
That sounds delicious. Is that the grim reaper come to dinner, or am I misreading the image?
I was thinking maybe The Exterminating Angel, except I seem to remember the guests being better dressed than that.
It’s from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. This is a swank dinner party where they salmon mousse. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door, and the bumbling luvvie husband answers it and invites the Grim Reaper to join them. “It’s the salmon mousse!”
I made this once… Damn my kitchen was a mess as I don’t have a good food processor.
You can often use a blender in place of a food processor or a mixer. I do quite often, but our blender, I forget the brand, is industrial strength. I could throw a box of nails in there and purée them, no problem.
Does the heavy whipping cream go in the blender too?
Why does it need a tablespoon of milk plus all that heavy whipping cream? I’m stumped on that one. Did you just skip the milk?
I just skipped the milk. I don’t know what Barb was thinking.
No, you whip the cream separately, so you make a batch of whipped cream, and then you fold it into your blender/food processor mixture. That means you gently add it and with a spatula or something turn it over so it blends but you don’t cause it to go soupy.
I love that it’s served on cucumbers, so fancy and light.
I’d use crackers and be like yum yum yum carbs!!
That’s what makes this a nice, summery snacks-for-dinner recipe. You can also serve this on those little squares of rye or pumpernickel bread that come in sleeves, or on Wasa crispbread, and that would make it very Scandinavian.
Just add a teeny dollop of lignonberry jam as a garnish!
Here I thought I was an outlier for drawing the line at skimmed milk which I liken to water with a drop of white paint in it.