Food You Can Eat: Buttery Mashed Cauliflower

It's...fine

It doesn't look like much--and it isn't.

First things first:  I’m running out of slack in my list of completed FYCE posts.  Going through my grandmother’s recipes gave me a ton of slack—I was probably six or nine months out.  But, the end arrives much sooner than we expect and I squandered my fortune.  So I need to write up recipes for anything I can get my hands on.  Hence this recipe from Mrs. Butcher’s placebo cookbook that I made for her.

A caveat before we get started:  Not a caveat so much as a point which needs to be made.  The “doctor” who wrote this bullshit cookbook doesn’t specialize in any form of dietary medicine.  He’s a pulmonary specialist.  But, as with so many scam artists, he tells desperate people that only he has found the secret to solving their problems.  Of course, in order to receive the secret, one must purchase his non-FDA approved “supplements” (read:  placebos), and buy his cookbooks which contain all kinds of foods that directly contradict each other for the purported effects he says they will produce.  Not to mention the fact that most of the recipes, from a strictly culinary perspective, are hot garbage.  Remember, kids, if you are doing internet searches for some health condition and then suddenly start getting emails claiming to provide exactly the miracle you are looking for—then it’s definitely a scam.

Here’s what you’ll need:

¼ Cup Butter

4 Cloves Garlic, smashed

1 Lg. Cauliflower, cut into florets

1 Cup Chicken or Vegetable Stock

½ tsp. Salt

½ Cup Romano Cheese, grated

This recipe uses an Instant Pot, which we got specifically because of this fucking cookbook.  I literally use it for nothing else than the things Mrs. Butcher wants to eat from that book because we don’t otherwise have a pressure cooker.  But, again, keep in mind that you don’t need a goddamned Instant Pot.  Just learn how to cook and you’ll be fine.

Set the Instant Pot to sauté and melt the butter.  Then add the garlic and sauté until fragrant. 

Add the cauliflower, salt and stock. 

Seal the Instant Pot and switch to pressure cook for five minutes.  When the timer goes off, quick release the pressure, remove the lid, and let the cauliflower sit for another 5 minutes.

Strain the liquid into another container—you can use the broth for a soup if you like.  Transfer the vegetables to a food processor.  Add the Romano cheese and process until everything is smooth and creamy.  If it looks like the mixture is getting too thick to process, add a little bit of the broth to smooth it out. 

Serve as a side dish with some other garbage recipe from this garbage book.

If things get any worse, I’ll probably wind up doing a post on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

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About butcherbakertoiletrymaker 564 Articles
When you can walk its length, and leave no trace, you will have learned.

21 Comments

  1. Watch out Butcher, there be Instapot fanatics here. I believe Myo owns four and we collectively grieved for the brand’s demise.

    Also, I can pick up some of the slack when it comes to FYCE. I’ve got four days in December covered so far. I can try and post twice a month next year.

  2. Cauliflower puree is decent — I use up leftover cauliflower that way sometimes but I’m not sure I’d ever cook it just for that purpose.

    I occasionally use the pressure cooker function of my Instant Pot for stuff like beans when I’m in a rush. But I also like it for a couple of reasons. One is that it’s a perfectly fine slow cooker, so for stuff like a pot of soup or chicken tikka it’s useful and let me get rid of the crockpot.

    The other is that because it’s insulated, it radiates a lot less heat than stovetop cooking in the summer, so it doesn’t heat up the kitchen as much.

    • I’ll second both of those points. The Instant Pot let us get rid of the Crock Pot. And whichever mode you use it in, it produces way less heat than the oven or cooktop in the summer.

      My only doubt is that I am not confident that it will last as long as a Crock Pot.

      ETA: Regardless of it coming from a placebo cookbook, did it taste any good? Veggies + cheese can be super-delicious.

  3. I can take of leave cauliflower for the most part but I make it at least once a week since it is one of my wife’s favorites.  I usually do Buffalo style or mochiko.

  4. i’ll try to throw some stuff into drafts over the weekends from here on….as those are my only days of cooking nowadays…

    depending on how much cooking i actually do…i may have to step away from my favoured pics as i go aproach….

    i has recipes….but i dont cook much anymore

    anyways…buttery cheesy cauliflower actually seems pretty tasty…if maybe not exactly healthy

  5. I really wanted to like cauliflower. I’ve tried it every possible way and it’s never very good. Except when it’s deep fried with Buffalo sauce. And then you may as well just eat wings.
    I’ve had a bunch of those types of cookbooks. They’re always labor intensive and the food is terrible. As part of my most recent eating disorder therapy I had to take them into my nutritionist office so she could dispose of them.

    • True story:  I used to love cauliflower.  Ate it all the time.  Raw, steamed, sauteed with other things, you name it.

      Then, while working in AK, I kept noticing a horrifying stench every time I opened the reach-in cooler in the restaurant kitchen where I was working.  I couldn’t find the source to save my life.  So, after several days of getting punched in the face whenever I opened the door, I decided to do a full top-to-bottom cleaning of the cooler.

      Tucked way in the back, covered with some plastic wrap, was a bowl with about 4 or 5 cauliflower florets that had been steamed and then not used.  They had rotted back there.  Just getting the bowl out of there almost made me run to the can to puke.  The smell was so bad that it turned me off of cauliflower to this day.

    • i make broccoliflower cheese pretty regulary

      is brocolli and cauliflower…..with a fuck load of 4 cheese sauce

      is like….fondu….if you replace the bread with veggies

      not saying that would make it tasty to you…….but its a pretty good way to get fattening vitamins for me

      and my fucking fussy as fuck daughter will eat it……and only sometimes complains that the fucking texture of the cheese sauce is wierd

      ^that shit….is why i dont cook much anymore

      i will work around your likes and dislikes and will and wont eats if they are consistant

      but if one day mushrooms are the best thing ever and the next you dont like em……or the food was perfect buuuuuuut…….the potatoes had a wierd feel to them…..

      yeah go fuck yourself….cook your own shit

      last i checked im not getting paid here…..foods whats on the fucking table

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