Apparently I was born in 1885 and died toward the end of summer, 1921. I was a lawyer (solicitor, but not a KC, I don’t think) from Manchester, which would have been fine around 1910 but…Anyway, my father was the late Dr. Reginald Crawley. My very much alive mother, circa 1928 or 1929, was Isobel Turnbull, then Crawley, then the Baroness Merton, taking their family name Grey. I am the third-cousin, once-removed, from Robert Crawley, the 7th Earl Grantham.

Our story begins on Monday, 15 April, 1912, just a little over 111 years ago today, when news reaches Downton that the Titanic has gone down and taking with it my distant cousin Mary’s fiancé, another Crawley heir, who would inherit Downton because my father-in-law/cousin only had girls and the line of inheritance only went to men. The inheritance finally fell to me.

I had never really met this branch of the family. I don’t know why, Manchester is not that far from Yorkshire, and we had steam trains then. But Mom and I dutifully showed up to take a look at the place and meet the family, and that is where my mother developed a life-long love-hate relationship with the Dowager Countess, which is a little weird, because in the show you’re made to believe that they’re contemporaries, when in fact the Dowager Countess should be one generation older. 

Mary detests me on sight but I am smitten. Her aunt Rosamund tells her that I am nothing more than a middle-class solicitor from Manchester (which, again, in 1912 wasn’t the worst thing to be, it’s not like 2023) so there’s drama. In the interim Mary fucks the incredibly hot Mr. Pamuk to death, just an hour or so after Barrow has made a play for him, so pre-WWI Yorkshire wasn’t quite as dull as most people would imagine.

I fought nobly at the front during The Great War, at the Somme, and went missing, which caused great consternation at Downton. I eventually showed up with my badly wounded footman/fellow soldier William, who undergoes a deathbed marriage to Daisy, the undercook downstairs, and then she eventually moves in with her father-in-law, the humble farmer who gets kicked out of his allotment but conveniently enough takes over the plot in Grantham when the pig farmer is kicked out because of his insane wife who keeps trying to kidnap Marigold, my slutty sister-in-law Edith’s bastard chid. 

I eventually became engaged to Lavinia Swire, why I don’t know, because she was a mincing simp. She was gone when the Spanish flu came along. Speaking of mincing simps, my mother-in-law Countess Cora also came down with the flu but she recovered, more’s the pity, but when her youngest daughter, Sybil, died in childbirth her (Cora’s) reaction was one of the most moving depictions of maternal grief ever filmed. 

Meanwhile, I have my tingling leg. What happened was at the Somme I suffered a spinal injury and it was thought that I would never walk again. Cousin Mary has realized that she loves me, after all, despite her not knowing whether I could fulfill husbandly duties or not, because below-the-waist paralysis, and she would take me in the pushchair around the grounds of Downton. Then one day I was in one of the rooms and Mary was bringing me something, and she stumbled, and I leapt out of my pushchair, caught her, and deus ex machina I married her, had a son named George, and became obsessed with motorcars. That didn’t work out so well.

But, anyway, when I was in my pushchair and Mary stumbled I believe she was bringing me something like this:

ALBERT BISCUITS

INGREDIENTS

140 grams caster sugar

110 grams chopped almonds

90 grams all purpose flour

3 large whole eggs two separated

25 grams candied mixed peel

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp all spice

zest of 1/4 lemon

powdered sugar as needed

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat your oven to 350F. Grease and line a 7×7 square baking tin and set aside.

In a bowl, sift together the flour and spices. Mix in the sugar and the chopped almonds until combined. Add the test and candied mixed peel.

In a bowl, whisk together one whole egg and two egg yolks. Stir the whisked eggs into the dries and mix until combined.

In a clean bowl, whisk the two egg whites until you get stiff peaks. Take a third of the whipped whites and whisk it into the batter. Gently fold in the rest of the whipped egg whites until thoroughly combined. Pour the batter into the prepared baking tin and bake for 15-18 minutes or until golden brown.

Allow the cake to cool on a cooling rack. Once cool, slice it into individual serving sizes and dust with powdered sugar.