I love goulash so much that I’m going to grace you with two celebrity goulash recipes in a row. This is probably more authentic to what you’d find in Hungary, I’ve never been, than Swiss native Ursula Andress’s version, which we had last week, although Switzerland is part of that German/Austro-Hungarian/Mitteleuropa culture and I know the Swiss love goulash too, so who knows. I’m sure the German-speakers have written books on this featuring compound nouns that precisely describe the micrometers of difference between the versions and why that is so. The end notes would run into the hundreds of pages.

Zsa Zsa (like Cher, no last name necessary) was born the slightly more prosaic Sári Gabor, the middle sister of Magda (older) and Eva (younger.) This I did not know: they were “of Jewish descent” but Zsa Zsa at some point became a practicing Catholic. I only point this out because in the 1930s Hungary, like so many countries, fell under the sway of a right-wing dictator, in this case Hórthy, who imposed anti-Jewish laws, but he also protected Hungary’s Jewish population from deportation to Germany’s death camps while Hungary was a member of the Axis powers during WWII. That wouldn’t last forever.

Zsa Zsa, who had a small theater and movie presence in central Europe, emigrated to America in 1941. How she pulled that off I don’t know. Even more remarkably, Hungary was full-out occupied by Hitler in 1944 (the Hungarians were going wobbly and signed their own peace treaty with the Soviets; Hitler gave that a big “Nein” and took over the country himself, as he did northern Italy) and it was after the German occupation that Mom Jolie somehow made it out. She’s lucky she did because Hitler made up for lost time as far as the Hungarian Jews were concerned. One wonders if Jolie knew the Soros family, another Jewish family trying to survive in Budapest during the German occupation. Young son George famously did, and you might recognize his name because according to some he pays Democratic voters to vote Democratic and is single-handedly responsible for the hiring of the District Attorneys found in large American cities. Personally, I have never gotten a “Soros check” for my efforts on behalf of the Democratic party. I am looking for more interesting work though so I wonder if he’d consider me for District Attorney of, oh, I don’t know, Manhattan should a vacancy arise, or maybe Honolulu.

Anyway, the Gabors hit America in a tidal wave of glamour and overall fabulousness. One of the things I hate most about the Kardashians is that that’s what we’re stuck with, when in the 50s we had the Gabor sisters. Of course in the 1950s you could have bought a premium Park Avenue co-op for the low five figures but it would have required all-cash. 

Focus. Focus, Mattie. Gabor made some decent movies, like John Huston’s Moulin Rouge and the next year Lili, and in 1958 she was in Orson Welles’s A Touch of Evil. But that year she also made the very bizarre Queen of Outer Space, which I have seen more than once. I don’t know if it’s a case of never turning down a job offer, like Sean Connery and Michael Caine, or if she was just trolling us. She was in that horrid early-90s Beverly Hillbillies movie. On the teevee she appeared as the What’s My Line mystery guest four times!, and appeared on any number of talk and variety shows. Her sister Eva’s bearding for friendship with Merv Griffin led to her appearing on his show 42 times. She is notable for being the last Batman villain (Minerva) before the show was unceremoniously canceled. 

And the marriages. She was married nine times, usually very briefly. She was married to her eighth husband, Felipe de Alba, a Mexican character actor (?) for only one day, and that marriage was annulled so it doesn’t count as a divorce. Her second husband was Conrad Hilton, before the Hilton name was sullied by Kathy, Paris, and Nicky (the current female one, not the glamorous playboy son one who was married to Elizabeth Taylor for a year again, in the 1950s.) Her last and most enduring marriage was the strangest one. For the last 30 years of her life she was married to Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, and he was very devoted to her. But I’m getting very tired from writing this “brief” bio, I will let wiki take over:

Gabor and her last husband, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, adopted at least ten adult men who paid them a fee of up to $2 million to legally become descendants of Princess Marie-Auguste of Anhalt. Prinz von Anhalt had himself paid Marie-Auguste to adopt him when he was 36 years old.

Did Zsa Zsa have any longstanding celebrity feuds? Yes, with Elke Sommer, after they both appeared on 1984’s Circus of the Stars. Was Zsa Zsa ever in trouble with the law? Yes, and you might remember this. In 1989 she was stopped for a traffic violation in LA and she slapped the traffic cop (she also had an open flask of Jack Daniels in the car with her. She would have been 72 at that point.) She in turn was slapped with a 3-day jail sentence. Had she done something similar at the Oscars she would have won Best Actress for Queen of Outer Space.

Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Dracula Goulash

2 red onions, sliced
3 lbs. stewing pork
3 lbs. stewing beef
2 smoked Hungarian (or Polish) sausages
4 pounds pre-washed sauerkraut
a handful of caraway seeds
Hungarian red paprika
2 cups of sour cream
olive oil or butter
salt and pepper to taste
fresh parsley
bottle of red wine

Get a big stewing pot.

Finely chop the red onion and saute with olive oil or butter until translucent. Add the pork and beef. Season with salt, pepper and three tablespoons of paprika (you must use Hungarian paprika or don’t bother making this dish).

Turn the meat mixture and cook for 10 minutes. Add more paprika and 1/2 small container of caraway seeds. Pour in a bottle of red wine. Cook out the alcohol.

Wash and drain four pounds of good quality sauerkraut in a colander. Add to the meat mixture, cover and stew for about 2 hours.

Cut sausages into half inch pieces and add to mixture and bring up to heat. Add enough paprika to make the stew red. Cover and cook for 15 minutes.

Add a cup of sour cream. Stir in and adjust seasonings.

Serve in bowls garnished with sour cream and a little chopped parsley. Serves 10 hungry Americans or 8 dieting Hungarians. [That’s Zsa Zsa’s little joke, from the original.]