Food You Can Eat: Ham Salad

Before I begin, let me tell you that I have been making this, and my mother before me, and her mother before her, for a good long while. When I went roaming the web (always a bad idea) looking for an image I came across a lot of recipes that are just like ours. The mystery is, and I had never heard this, apparently ham salad is very Southern, and we are many things but Southern we are not.

This is very simple and I make it situationally. Is it just for me to eat with a spoon straight from the bowl? Do I dare suggest it as a sandwich lunch for me and the Better Half (both of whose parents, I’ll point out, were born below the Mason-Dixon Line)? Would my guests enjoy this as an appetizer dip?

Well, I thought, if this is so Southern, what would Paula Deen do? She would do exactly what I do, it turns out, so I’m using her measurements. I’m far more loosey-goosey with proportions. After I finish this I’m going to look into that maternal grandmother of mine. We have her birth certificate: she was born in the Canadian Maritimes.

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(Serves 2–4)

2 cups leftover ham, chopped in a food processor. I’ll stop right there. We never have leftover ham in this house. Go to a good deli and ask for about 3/4 pound of unsliced ham, smoked is really good for this. Don’t roust your food processor for this. Chop, chop, chop away until you get very small cubes.

1 cup finely diced celery

1/4 cup finely minced sweet onion. Hmmm. I use a small onion of whatever variety that’s about to sprout wings and fly away if I’m using this much ham.

1 tsp Dijon mustard (I use more, say 2 tsp.)

2 hard-boiled eggs, diced

1/4 cup hot pickle relish, drained. Or, if you’re trying to get rid of sweet pickle relish use it here. Many, many recipes call for it instead.

1/2 cup “good quality mayonnaise”. I think she means not Miracle Whip but she dare not offend a potential advertiser/sponsor. So (parenthetical aside: just like when a recipe calls for Dijon mustard because it’s good and everywhere and they don’t feel like going all “New York Times”-y and tell you that they use a particular kind of English brown mustard that is $23 for a 2.5 oz. jar and sold at only three locations in the entire New York metro area), let’s call this Hellman’s or Duke’s, depending on where you are. You may be blessed with a wide variety of other types. Here we have Hellman’s at the supermarket or “artisanal” mayonnaise which is twee and induces eyerolls. Or you can make your own mayonnaise if you’re comfortable eating your own raw eggs. I make it sometimes out of boredom, but I don’t call it “artisanal.” I call it, “I really hope this isn’t the thing that forces me to join the Choir Invisible.”

Put this all in a big bowl, mix so it is all combined, refrigerate for at least 1/2 hour, and serve. The Deen recipe says, ominously, “Serve on white bread.” You certainly could, that’s probably closest in keeping in the spirit of this recipe, but when I’m not drunkenly shoveling this into my mouth straight from the bowl I use a darker, heartier bread or crackers.

If you are serving this to guests as a dip, garnish with cilantro. Don’t stop there, though. Also offer your guests your richest, most avocado-y guacamole dip, as an accompaniment or substitution, because variety is the spice of life.