Food You Can Eat: The Individual Cheese Plate and Two Scandinavian Add-Ons

[Updated 20/7/2022: My God it’s hot. I think I’ve made about a dozen different versions of these in the last three weeks. Just thought you should know.]

The Individual Cheese Plate

The cheese board, like avocado toast, is a simple concept that has swept the imagination of the country, to the point where you feel a little self-conscious making one because it has become twee and degraded. But still I persist.

The Individual Cheese Plate bears a striking resemblance to The Ploughman’s Lunch, which I’ve already covered: 

Food You Can Eat: Ploughman’s Lunch

Better Half actually came up with our household’s idea of The Individual Cheese Plate, genius that he is. Years ago I was a Board member of a group of volunteers. I was new to the group and didn’t know many of them that well. I offered to host a monthly meeting but I was faced with a conundrum: it would be dinnertime, but I didn’t feel confident enough to make a dinner because some might not enjoy it and thus go hungry. So I thought I’d lay out one giant cheese board, but I didn’t want everyone wasting a lot of time picking over the cheese board because we had work to do. Better Half suggested that I make everyone their own cheese board so they could pick and nibble while we got through our agenda. I called the woman who had gotten me into this, and who knew everyone quite well, and asked about allergies and vegetarianism. As far as she knew everyone was as much of an omnivore as we were. The stage was set.

Now, years later, I still make these when I need to clear out odds and ends to free up valuable fridge and cabinet space [updated 20/7/2022: and for basic survival when the temps are in the high 80s and 90s, as they have been]. There are entire Instagram accounts and web postings without number devoted to cheese boards, with presentation tips and ferocious controversies about what to serve with what, which is solid evidence that we have entered late-stage capitalism. 

The successful cheese plate starts with cheese. You should have two different types. Decades ago, literally, I had a book published in the late 1940s called something like The Bachelor’s Guide To Entertaining At Home, and it advised the reader that there are three types of cheeses, hard, medium, and soft, so lay in a good portion of each. I’ve never forgotten that and I was probably in my early 20s when I read it. So for your two cheeses pick one from each of these three categories. The last time I assembled one of these [I’ve made many more since I wrote this!] we had just enough Swiss (a medium) and Brie (a soft) so I used those. Slice the cheeses and put on opposite ends of a large dinner plate.

Now for meat, if having: have you heard of “the meat river”? It is all the rage among the most recent crop of cheese board enthusiasts. We had enough pepperoni so that I sliced it very thin, folded each slice in half, and marched them in a slight curve horizontally, so that it bisected the plate. I would have used a spicy sausage but we didn’t have any thawed. You can also cut/chop deli meats into squares and tile them somewhere.

Next up, we had two lone, small peaches that were on their way out, so I sliced those and made a home for them. Then there was the half-cucumber not doing anyone any good so I sliced that up. There was a canister of cashews mostly depleted so I pressed what remained into service. We had a few cornichons left in a jar so I used those up but I put them on the other side of the meat river from the peach slices, because peaches in pickle juice is—

Moving on, we had a 3/4 empty box of Wheat Thins (!) on the top shelf of this one cabinet that I refer to that as The Swiss Vault. Whatever Better Half puts on that shelf is hidden away from prying eyes, including my own. I used those in honor of Sandy Duncan, who is still alive by the way, 76 at the time of this writing. Like with the cheese, though, I think you should have two types of cracker, and we had this lingering, opened, mostly empty sleeve of cracked pepper Stoned Wheat crackers, another brand throwback to a better era, so I used those up too. With the crackers, you stack those vertically so they don’t spread out and take up valuable cheese plate real estate. 

That’s pretty much it. We had a little sharp mustard so I just plopped the jar on the table with a small spoon, because it was just me and the Better Half, and some plum jam so that appeared too.

The Ravenous Hound, though he has excellent eyesight, does not care much about presentation, just the food, so he got a little pepperoni and some Swiss cheese just randomly thrown in with his kibble.

May all your Individual Cheese Plates spark joy!

Make a Smörgåsbord

Smörgåsbord in Swedish means “sandwich table” but it now encompasses a sort of “snacks as a meal” free-for all. Let’s say you are having guests over. In this case, make a much larger cheese plate (do not forget the meat river, if you eat meat and were going to use it) and complement with these two Scandinavian treats:

1. Quartered Open-face Egg and Shrimp Sandwiches

These are really simple and make 4 open-face sandwiches, which is good for 2 people. However, you are making a Smörgåsbord so you will be slicing each open-face sandwich into quarters, to yield 16.

4 slices of hearty bread, like rye, best if cut by yourself from a fresh bakery loaf

4 hard-boiled eggs, sliced

1/2–1 lb cooked shrimp, depending on how much you like shrimp

Some good mayonnaise

Some butter

A little salt and pepper

A little dill from your Handy Rooftop Herb Planter

Salt and pepper the eggs and the shrimp if you want. Toast the 4 slices of bread (you may need to do this in the oven if your toaster slots aren’t wide enough or use a toaster oven. Or don’t toast them at all.) Butter the bread slices and overlap 1 egg’s-worth of slices on each. Squirt/dab a little mayo on each. At this point, quarter the sandwiches and then top with the cooked shrimp. The easiest way to do this is to spoon the shrimp on top in mounds. Top with a sprig of dill. These are a little messy to eat so make sure you have plenty of napkins on hand if people are going to be standing around gabbing cocktail party-style.

2. Swedish Wallenberger Meatballs (Makes Approx. 2 Dozen)

These are not exactly Swedish meatballs as we think of them. These are also most definitely not Wahlburgers.

2 lb. ground veal to be Swedish, or 2 lb. ground beef, or a 50/50 mix of ground beef and pork

4 eggs from the fridge, not room temp.

2 or 3 tsp. salt (3 tsp. = 1 tbsp. Just FYI)

A little ground black pepper, 4 or 5 shakes or grinds from the shaker/pepper mill

A little nutmeg, if you have any. 1 tsp. at the absolute maximum. A little goes a l-o-n-g way.

1 cup heavy whipping cream

3 cups panko bread crumbs

Olive oil for the skillet, about 3 tbsp. If you have to make these in 2 batches, be prepared to add a little more, but don’t drown the poor meatballs.

A “dip,” which I’ll get to

In a large bowl mix the meat, eggs, salt, pepper, and nutmeg if you have any. Beat in the cream a little at a time.

Using your hands, shape these into small balls. Referencing Butcher again, or Mrs. Butcher, from the Fettucine and Meatballs recipe, these should be about the size of golf balls. Roll them in the breadcrumbs. The breadcrumbs will need a little handpressing to adhere to the meatballs. Move the meatballs onto a large sheet (keep them invidual; don’t dump them into a bowl), cover the sheet with tinfoil, and refrigerate for about an hour. This will help keep them all together.

Heat oil in a large skillet and cook the meatballs until they’re browned and cooked through. This should take about 10 minutes minimum. I usually go a little longer. Unfortunately, referring back to Butcher’s Fettucine and Meatballs recipe again, you can’t do the intermittent shaking of the skillet trick, genius though it is, because of the breading, which might shake off, so tediously turn them using your tongs. That’s a bit why this takes so long. Just don’t let the breadcrumbs burn. If you have to do 2 batches so be it; the meatballs are ideally served at room temp. and not piping hot.

Now your guests must dip them in something while enjoying. For the full Swedish experience, put out a bowl of lingonberry jelly, not sauce. I am a fan of peaches and apricots so I’ve used those jams too.