What is your Football? What makes you do the same dumb thing over and over again?
When I was a kid, I played Hide and Go Seek with a bunch of kids. One of the older kids (Korean) used to say “Kottaji” (Korean for booger) and I would giggle uncontrollably so I would end up being “It” in Hide and Go Seek for the rest of the damn day. I think the word sounds hilarious. It got annoying when everyone started saying it. Eventually I stopped snorting/giggling at it, but that was maybe ten years ago.
For this reason I began to hate playing Hide And Go Seek.
As an adult, I don’t have many footballs that I continually kick and miss at as the shame of Kottaji has made me feel like an idiot. I did have one that I still shows up from time to time. I’m a helper monkey (see Mojo from the Simpsons) by personality. I like to help because I like to feel useful and make people happy. Unfortunately, being a helper monkey has led me to be involved in things I didn’t want to or be used by people from time to time. When I started training for the current job, I was paired up with someone who could be politely termed as helpless. As someone who doesn’t like people losing their jobs, I thought I could be helpful (I’m sure some are saying: who the hell says you should, you egotistical ass?) and so I helped. My trainer was an impatient person who used to yell at me for helping this person because the person had to learn to do this themselves (my trainer was right, but my helper monkey persona overrode my fear of my trainer.)
For about two months into training I eagerly helped this hapless person as they didn’t do well with the basic tasks of the job. It wasn’t till I was cleaning a room for the 20th time when I realized that I was a damn sucker. The hapless person was talking happily to the trainer while I was inside the production room sweating and swearing cleaning the ceiling (my shoulders were aching from the work.) I suddenly got the impression that I was being used. Instead of throwing my stuff on the floor and walking out, I asked for some help. The person didn’t want to go, but I really insisted. I told the person I had to go to the bathroom right now and that they needed to finish the room (I didn’t but I wanted an excuse to leave.) When I came back, the room was exactly as I left it.
“WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK IS THIS!?!?!?” I thought. “You chump,” I told myself.
At that moment, I stopped helping this person. Instead of feeling sympathy, I began to loathe this person. When it came time for passing the final assessment, I passed with flying colors. Hapless person didn’t but got a “conditional” pass because a shift supervisor was their pal and pulled some strings with the trainer.
I still loathe this person as they are still employed. Whenever I hear their voice begging for help, I find any excuse not to help.
Now, it makes them mad that I recently got a small paper promotion as (assistant) team leader and Hapless won’t even look at me as I’m giving Hapless their assignment (for some surprising reason, it’s usually some dirty work.)
My Helper Monkey is still there as I still help people, but I do give them a bit of side eye when they ask.
Fart references. I can’t not find them funny even in medical situations.
I used to be far too trusting. I’d accept apologies for deplorable behavior. And stupidly believe in empty promises. Now I just accept the apologies but don’t really expect anyone to mean it.
Believing I’ll actually stick to a diet?
Also that people are capable of reading emails. I should know better at work but I always assume they could.
OT in my own NOT:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucTGNtsT9gw
From NPR
According to this researcher the biggest single cause of White Nationalism is from America’s wars. The PTSD and trauma of war leads to the rise of white nationalists as angry men (and women) who learned to hate. But it’s not just veterans. It’s society in general as we have a bunch of Barnes’ (the main antagonist from the movie Platoon.) Every modern war America’s been involved with.
When you look at it, the researcher has a point. The Hell’s Angels and a number of notorious criminal gangs grew up from disaffected veterans (Snake Plisskin?) Not all veterans, but enough.
My football is caring about my job. I can’t seem to not do it. It leads to all sorts of things, like providing feedback and working really hard, which lead to problems because:
1. Management doesn’t give a fuck what I think.
2. Hard work makes lazy fucks look bad, and they will retaliate, often viciously.
3. Nobody likes it when I’m right (even the people taking credit for it), and I’m right a lot. I know how arrogant that sounds, but experience + knowledge = I’ve seen this shit before.
4. Management’s job is to pay you as little as possible and work you to death.
5. I’m way too trusting and believe every lie from a supervisor’s mouth. I’ve had exactly two that deserved my trust — the others were scumbags who were taking advantage of me.
Oddly, working from home helps me detach from giving a shit to some extent. I do my own thing and nobody discusses policies or company direction or big issues with me. I still get protective of my work (I finished a major project and it looked great and people immediately started crapping it up by sticking extraneous shit in there), but I’m learning to slap myself and disengage. I got paid, forget about it and STFU. My boss talks about me being “alone” and worries about it, but privately I’m thinking, nope, this is for the best.