Franken-turkeys need to stop, like yesterday. I mean, mother of God the levels of absurd they’ve reached has gone beyond anything I could ever have guessed. I couldn’t find it before submitting this article, but I know there was some twisted gefilte fish-turkey mashup that I think popped up around Thanksgivukkah back in ’13.
I have had gefilte fish. I have had turkey. THOSE TWO THINGS DO NOT BELONG TOGETHER. It’s like thinking your Popeye’s Chicken sandwich would benefit from a coating of guano. Taken separately, turkey and gefilte fish are both perfectly good, though my wife will NOT touch gefilte fish for whatever reason. Put together, well, enjoy your bonus bat shit while the rest of us fuck off and eat stuff that doesn’t suck.
And turducken? The fact that that shit’s been around long enough that my spell-checker doesn’t recognize it as an error is a testament to how popular it has gotten. It’s nuts. I’m not a sucker for tradition by any means, and I’ve certainly had duck, but I don’t understand why this even exists! You want duck, MAKE A FUCKING DUCK. Chicken? FFS, there are so many ways to make chicken that don’t involve ramming it into a turkey’s ass. It’s not that much of a chore when you’re already firing up a jumbo turkey for your six tolerable relatives and the racist uncle and aunt that you’re pretty sure are wearing Biff t-shirts underneath their nicer clothes.
Fuck the franken-meats. I can’t get past the idea of what a turducken would look like in the wild. I’m thinking you probably only need the first four letters of that goddamn word to come up with a reasonable idea.
49ers @ Ravens: Game of the year. In a sane world, this is a Super Bowl preview. But because we live in the darkest timeline, we surely will have to suffer through the Patriots deflating and spying their way past the unstoppable freight train that is Lamar Jackson and boring us all to death with yet another fucking Super Bowl win. We’re doomed to suffer this until Tonya Harding hires someone to kneecap Tom Brady and do it right, or someone finally fronts the cash for that sniper everyone keeps talking about.
Patriots @ Texans
Browns @ Steelers: This sits here because you know they’re gonna fight to the death. It is goddamn Gladiator down there, far as I’m concerned. If Joaquin Phoenix is at the game, then we’re definitely in for it. The only thing we need is a lion. Or the Rancor.
Raiders @ Chiefs
Bills @ Cowboys: They say gingers have no souls. And since Jerruh Jones has no soul, that always made the hire of Jason Garrett make sense. But now it appears that Jerruh has had enough, and before more of his skin flakes off, further cementing his transformation into a more evil, and less whimsical Skeletor, he’s apparently ready to pull the plug. Hey Mumm-Ra, let’s move this along so that the plug pull on your disgusting life can happen at the 50-yard line at that insane thing you call a stadium. At least that giant screen TV you have in there would finally have something worthwhile to show, instead of all those goddamn Cowboys games.
Saints @ Falcons
Vikings @ Seahawks
Rams @ Cardinals: The battle of two teams that once belonged to St. Louis is probably going to be more like a light skirmish that ends in mutual decapitations. Jared Goff has regressed so badly, he’s back to sucking his thumb while he sleeps. He’s calling for his mommy and he doesn’t even yet have the necessary brain damage to be hallucinating her appearing on the field. He’s one hard hit from thinking he’s Batman.
Eagles @ Dolphins
Racists @ Panthers
Packers @ Giants
Bears @ Lions: I have shared the story of the 2005 Lions season, when during a game against the Bengals, local radio jock Sean Baligian drummed up a “Fan Strike” that occurred outside the stadium, and encouraged fans that did show up to the game to wear orange. It was a lovely, perfectly Lions day. See, the Browns are, and will always be, the masters of the paper bags over heads fandom. The Lions have no right to that. Strikes are the only thing that work, as the Motor City is well known for inevitable labor rifts between the Big Three and the UAW. We seem to get major strikes every alternate year. Not showing up and buying tickets for the Turkey Day game, and therefore giving the Lions full-on, televised national embarrassment would be a thing I could get behind. 0-16 was a national embarrassment, but most people didn’t get to see that shit happen. This would be a blast. All we’d need is someone do hold down Matt Patricia and shave his lumberjack beard off like he was Vince goddamn McMahon. The broadcasters last week claimed that there was plenty of evidence the players were buying into his system. You mean the defensive “genius” who’s presiding over one of the worst Ds in the league? Tell me another one.
Bucs @ Jags
Jets @ Bengals
Chargers @ Broncos
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
In memory of the death of MST3K(fuck you Netflix).
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Exiting Navy Secretary Richard Spencer! Someone’s a liar here, which what else is new, but damn man, either Spencer’s the weasel for taking the “Rule of Law” approach after being found out trying to broker a secret deal with Biff, or…well, I’m ready to believe he’s a total hypocrite. Nice try, Richie.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Panthers -10
Dwayne Haskins missed the final play for a selfie last week? Come on, 48 minutes! Not 47! You can’t take plays off, man!
2019 Magic Record: 5-5-1
Fire this Asshole!
Jason Garrett **Loses this week he’s DOA
Matt Patricia **Redrum! Redrum!
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Turkey giblets make a great moisturizer! Those things are just loaded with juice, take them into the shower with you and rub them all over. Better than soap!
Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans: The Dark Knight, TNT 1:00EST
Nothing really needs to be said here. TNT is running the entire trilogy on Sunday, so good catharsis for Bengals fans, I think.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:
Barney: My name is Barney Gumble, and I’m an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!
Enjoy the games and Happy Thanksgiving, all.