Happy Hour [15/1/21]

I need a drink!

15/1/21 Hannibal 51

In five days, the United States of America will swear in a new president. Thanks to the outsized ego of the current Toddler-in-Chief and his band of murderous thugs, it will be a more subdued event than past inaugurations. But that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate. You can find several cocktails online dedicated to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, including the American 46, a riff on the classic French 45, the Sloe Joe, a Collins reimagined by Eric Felton as a beachy lemonade, and Kamala’s Cocktail, a delicious sounding hot buttered rum honoring the Jamaican and Indian heritage of our first-ever woman Vice president.

What about all the patriots who didn’t vote for Biden-Harris? They will need the consolation of a strong drink. As a tribute to their unheard voices, I’ve created a cocktail just for them. I call it The Wretched Redneck.

Ingredients

  • Southern Comfort
  • Meth
  • Bitters
  • Orange

Have your wife moisten the rim of your favorite NASCAR or SEC sports team glass with an orange wedge, dip the rim into meth. Fill glass with Southern Comfort, forget the bitters – what the hell even is that, some kind of hoity-toity liberal bullshit? And you’re bitter enough already. Garnish with an orange wedge and a Confederate flag.

If you’re single, or can’t legally come within 200 feet of your significant other, pour a bottle of Southern Comfort into your best Big Gulp cup, snort or smoke your meth as usual, and drink in your pick up truck on the way to liberate your Statehouse from commies and socialists.

Now it’s your turn Deadsplinters, put on your mixologist hat, and whip up a libation for our right-wing brothers and sisters. For the sake of unity.

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51 Comments

  1. Excellent post @Hannibal. Here are few ideas for a varied crowd:

     

    The Old Republican Dude:

    Absinthe snuck in from overseas with a higher than FDA-allowed thujone content (because you know that their perception of reality is based on hallucinations), mixed with many dashes of bitters, ice cubes made from entitled tears, a twist of bitter lemon, and served with sour grapes.

    The Undecided Voter:

    A beer and a shot, because they cannot decide which way to go… Alternatively, Karen can’t make up her mind, asks her server what they would suggest, orders it, then berates said server for the cocktail and the enforcement of mask rules.

    The DeadSplinterite:

    Anything goes, from the craft beers of Loveshaq to the Tiki-style drinks of Cousin M to the excellent whisky/whiskey/bourbon recommendations of SplinterRIP, to the non-alcoholic offerings of several commenters. Right now I am drinking coffee spiked with faux BSB 103 bourbon, because my stupid regulated state store can’t get the real stuff anymore and the law-abiding folks at Heritage brewing won’t ship to PA.

    • Is it just PA’s liquor store thing, or is it something to do with the alcohol content?  I grew up in PA, but didn’t really drink while I was still there (kid and all that…).
      Also went to school in a semi-dry town, and the liquor stores there had some weird 1/2 proof stuff that was horrible.  But still cost as much as the regular stuff elsewhere.  So students would team up – one with a car, the other with a fake ID (or possibly even of legal age…), and drive over to the next town and buy stuff for the whole damned dorm hallway.

  2. Dammit, I am still working, waiting on comments from folks so the notice that has to go out today can go out today. I just bought a bottle of kraken and I’ve got limes and homemade ginger syrup so it’s a dark n stormy for me.
     
    Magas can drink the water out of ivankas toilet – fuck them.

  3. Holy shit I can’t stop laughing!
     
    My drink for those fuckers is a gallon of bleach, straight out of the bottle.
     
    On a somewhat related note, I haven’t heard anything about it, but I really hope that Joe and Kamala aren’t planning any inaugural balls.  Not just because of, you know, reality, but also because this is a situation where “optics” actually matters.  The country as a whole has been suffering for close to a year and there are shit-tons of people who can’t pay their bills and are staring homelessness in the face.  My hope is that they take their oaths of office and then so straight to work.  Not a minute to waste.

  6. …I have a couple they could try

    …first up is one I’d call the sore loser…take some sour mash (n.b. the actual mash…not whiskey made from that stuff) & add enough hot sauce to give you an excuse for why your eyes are watering

    …or you could opt for the dead loss…same sour mash base but replace the hot sauce with some bleach so you can shuffle off this mortal coil while paying a pointless homage to the idiot you chose to slavishly follow to your room

    …meanwhile I’ll probably stick to something nice & boring…like a decent old-fashioned…seems appropriate?

  8. You could go a little easy on your liver (and drink longer) by having Dogfish Head Brewery beer from Joe Biden’s native Delaware, or some delicious vintages from the Napa/Sonoma Wine Country very close to Kamala Harris’s Bay Area roots.
     
    For the “patriots” I would serve skunked bottles of Miller Lite, “the champagne of beers.” 

    • minor quibble, but wasn’t it Miller High-Life that was “the champagne of beers”
      I just remember this was something I drank far too much of whilst enlisted.  Mostly because it was cheap, readily available, tolerable, and I found that “champagne of beers” thing too funny.
      Other things in frequent rotation at that time: MD 20/20(gawd, that stuff was horrible…(but cheap…)), orange hooch, Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog, Wild Irish Rose, and probably a few other things I’m forgetting…

      • You’re right. Miller High Life is the Champagne of Beers. They even sell it in a champagne bottle around New Year’s I believe.  I don’t know what Orange Hooch, Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog  or Wild Irish Rose are. 

        • I don’t know what Orange Hooch, Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog  or Wild Irish Rose are.

           
          I think that’s a probably a good thing.  Although I’d probably drink the Egg Nog again.  even checked Bev Mo over the holidays, but it was out of stock.  For some reason, it was stocked at that PX 365, so I was getting drunk off eggnog in June, in the desert…

  10. Holy hell you guys are on fire. I’m not a mixed drink guy, so I won’t try to come up with a recipe. Am currently filling out my timesheet with a just-opened Fremont Brewery Dark Star imperial oatmeal stout.
     

     
    I might just skip dinner and have a second one.

    • Fuck those guys. 
       
      “Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers.:
      James Crumley

  13. @Hannibal, not sure what parts of the country you’ve lived in, but you almost described an Alabama Slammer — Southern Comfort, sloe gin, orange juice, and amaretto. 

    They don’t taste good. If you are female and you have one in a bar, dudes may make rude jokes about slamming you. 

    Related note: 

    A much better drink common to parts of Alabama is the Yellow Hammer (assuming you like sweet drinks. If you don’t like sweet drinks, just stop reading now). 1 part vodka, 2 parts Malibu rum, 1 part dark rum, mix of pineapple and orange juice (however much you want relative to the alcohol, but should be about twice as much pineapple juice as orange juice), and then some cherries or orange slices for garnish. 

     

    • I live in Bourbon country, if I tried ordering a drink made with Southern Comfort I’d probably get tossed out of the bar! Every now and then a sweet drink is okay. Particularly if it’s a rum drink like the one you described. I do like pineapple juice.

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