Good afternoon, [NAME HERE]
We hope you and your family are healthy and safe during these uncertain and unprecedented times.
Even as we grapple with a new normal, all of us here at AdultSwingSet.biz are committed to serving you, our valued customer, and your family, who we hope are also doing well during this difficult moment.
Shopping for a new sex toy is probably the last thing on your mind right now, but we just wanted to touch base to let you know that we’re still committed to providing best-in-class service and value, and we invite you to browse our selection of new items and old favorites.
While you have only made 1 order with us that you returned “because I was really really REALLY drunk and don’t remember ordering this”, rest assured that we still have all of your information on file so future ordering will be a breeze, as we reminded you during our previous correspondence due to the data breach.
Our staff is working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to ensure that your orders are correct and on time. Yes, there may be a pandemic ripping through the stitches that hold the frayed fabric of our society together, but that’s no reason why your Drop’N’Pop swing should arrive late.
In this worrying time, please know that our swings, stripper poles and signature lube brands are all made here in America, not produced in a foreign factory and shipped out of places stricken by this foreign virus.
For your safety, and out of an abundance of caution, they will be sprayed down with disinfectant before they leave our factory. As always, they’ll be shipped to your home in our discreet ASS-branded packaging.
At a time like this, the safety of our employees is also top of mind. Unlike other adult toy producers, our offices are located right here in the USA, in a nonunion state with a governor who lifted all restrictions on gatherings last week despite a 700% spike in new cases.
Our workers are required to wash their hands once a shift, and our open-plan call center is protected by state-of-the-art half-cubicle walls. We’ve also instituted another new policy to meet the challenge: Anyone whose cough or fever renders them unable to continue talking on the phone will be sent home for a 12-hour quarantine before their next shift.
We’re all in this together. To that end, please take 10% off your next order, with the code WE CARE at checkout. Because we do care about your pleasure, and in this chaotic time, also the safety of your family and loved ones.
All the best, stay safe, be well, speak soon,
Fletcher C. Cooklotte III
President, CEO, Chief Sex Officer
AdultSwingSet.biz
all good here
tbh i seem to be less horny than normal
i dont think a toy would help
#art
So sly, so funny, so real. Still laughing and rolling my eyes. Great post!
Bravo. I have been thinking about doing a little cartoon that says something like, “in these trying times, now more than ever, we will let you buy our products.”