I Can’t Hate Myself! I Can’t!

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By Russ Doubthat

Ross Doubthat
I’m not anyone you know

The Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl, and now I’m sure I’m supposed to say something about Taylor Swift, and I really don’t have any idea what to do.

I have to write something about the culture wars. I mean, my editors must be expecting that, right? And something about Biden? I’m sure I’ll get a note if I don’t.

I need to have the bosses return my calls when I want to complain about mean coverage of Kevin McCarthy by news reporters, so I’d better file this column on time. Wait, is Kevin McCarthy still the Speaker of the House? I’m losing track. I hate trying to keep track of actual facts. This all seems so pointless.

I bet if I had to I could write a column tying this in to Catholicism. Is Taylor Swift a Protestant? Is Travis Kelce? Kelce could be an Irish name, maybe? That could make him Catholic. But don’t they have Protestants in that Northern Ireland part? I guess I could look it up on Wikipedia, but I’m oh, oh, so tired. Maybe something about masculinity?

My Life Doesn’t Suck! My Life Doesn’t Suck!

Last summer (it was last summer, wasn’t it? The years all blur into each other now) I wrote some columns about renting a camper and driving around America with my wife and kids. That was kind of cool. While I was driving I didn’t take every single one of those calls from Republican PR types every minute of my day. I think I talked to my kids one time.

Once when we were about 700 miles from New York City, I kind of looked sideways at my wife and said “Hey, Michigan looks kind of nice. Maybe I could just cash in the 401K and we could buy a house here, and I wouldn’t have to….”

I thought I saw a flicker of something go across my wife’s face. Hope? Happiness? But I think she got mad when I said something about how this would all be possible when Ron DeSantis was president, and I saw her expression go cold. Her eyes went cold too.

I should have been a pair of ragged claws

Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

Ah, To Hell With It

I give up. What was I thinking? That I could ever stop being Rolf in The Sound of Music?

Rolf sure looked handsome. I bet Liesl wouldn’t have returned to the Von Trapps if Rolf had kept the gun. They could have married and Liesl never would have looked at Rolf with those cold eyes as they finished up their drive home in a rented camper. Colonel Schneider would have promoted Rolf. Yes, I’m sure of it!

Yes, I give up. Here’s the email.

Dear Patrick – I have a great idea for my next piece. What if I say Democrats are going to be responsible for Putin invading Alaska because while they’re cheering Taylor Swift (supposedly) making America’s fragile boys look bad, they’re failing to understand how Joe Biden and Pope Francis are undermining the Catholic tradition of….

Russ Doubthat is definitely not a billiant intellect who writes for a highly respected paper which never deserves any criticism by some people who probably think just because a bunch of right wingers took a deep dive into conspiracy theory country about Taylor Swift, that doesn’t mean liberals wouldn’t have the same kind of theories about Jim Caviezel if he was dating Travis Kelce. Wait, that doesn’t make sense, that would mean breaking the Catholic Church’s prohibition against being gay, and we all know Catholics are never gay. Anyway, Russ Doubthat is sure somehow it’s silly to talk about Trump being a mentally cracked kook and the idea that he might launch a coup is crazy, nevermind January 6, and anyway, Doubthat can best be described as a parody of a serious thinker.

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