Jamboroo: I Miss the Real Muppets [12/12/19]

So yes, I’m back! A little older, a little…wiser? Maybe. I dunno. I get to talk about how I am the answer to life, the universe, and everything for an entire year. So that’s good. But birthdays? Meh. I don’t know that I’m gonna care about any more from here on out.

Anyway, to the point. Our wonderfully commercial society has given way to some strange pairings over the years. Recently, we saw ET and the actor Henry Thomas stage a little reunion for Xfinity. Odd though that is, that doesn’t really bother me. What pisses me right off? The Muppets are shilling for Facebook’s Portal. The goddamn Muppets.

There seems to be some confusion about what exactly the Muppets are supposed to be. Disney has owned the trademark for almost twenty years, and nobody there seems to have the first clue about how to handle them. Proof? I got that for you. That short-lived TV series, for one thing. And I don’t just mean the one from a couple years ago, but the licensed Muppets Tonight that ran for all of two years just before the official acquisition. That was the closest Disney has come to grasping the spirit of what Henson did.

The Muppets were always kid-friendly, and if you’re about my age you can probably remember the old days and the original movies. I watched the original Muppet Show, and it had humor that everyone could understand, but most of the stuff there was for the older set. Animal is, for example, the last character that should be considered a kid’s character. Look at him chase after women. Not exactly a thing there.

What we have seen is that it is possible to have that balance. SpongeBob pulls it off routinely. The Muppets should be able to, as well. It appears they need their own Kevin Feige. But regardless, you know what they aren’t? Shills for the privacy invading industry. Holy fuckknuckles, that Disney has licensed them to appear in ads for Facebook, of all things, makes that old killing spree urge rise up in the sub-cochle area. Henson has to be spinning in his grave. Someone who knows something needs to get their hands in there, because this shit is trash.

The Games

Five Throwgasms!

Jets @ Ravens: Normally, the Jets belong nowhere near this part of the list. But the throwgasms will be repetitive watching Lamar Jackson toast their secondary. It would be wise for the Jets to prepare the memorial services for their defensive players in advance, because none will survive. It’s gonna be Dark Knight Rises out there.

Texans @ Titans

Four Throwgasms

Bills @ Steelers: Can someone tell me what’s going on in the Burgh? Remember the idiots who’ve been on the Fire Tomlin bandwagon? They probably don’t remember themselves. Through three QBs this season and sitting at 8-5 with a good chance at the playoffs. This is some goddamn Harry Potter shit here. Tomlin must have majored in spells and hexes in school or something. This team was dead a month in, and now here we are. Oh, and the Bills could (theoretically, anyway) tie for the division lead with a win. WTF.

Colts @ Saints

Bears @ Packers

Three Throwgasms

Falcons @ 49ers: It sucks that Richard Sherman is gonna be out, but I don’t think it matters. This is a good week for him to miss. Get him to keep some of those miles on the tires after the entire secondary got their asses handed to them by the Saints. Jimmy G held his own in a shootout that they won, too. Figure that. The complaints and “meh” attitude surrounding the QB play on this team may yet dry up.

Vikings @ Chargers

Rams @ Cowboys

Seahawks @ Panthers

Chiefs @ Broncos

Two Throwgasms

Buccaneers @ Lions: Look, at this point we all know I could make a living writing paragraphs of takes on the Lions sucking, because goddamn do they. Know how I know? Well, I have eyes, for one thing. The other? Remember what I wrote on the Steelers a couple paragraphs ago? Lions had a nearly identical situation in the QB department, and where the Steelers have mustered resolve and won a bunch of games, the Lions settled into the losing streak they’d started before Stafford broke his back and just enjoyed the slide. I hope their asses get blisters.

Browns @ Cardinals

Jaguars @ Raiders

One Throwgasm

Patriots @ Bengals: Remember that “theoretically” I used when referring to the Bills’ chance to grab a piece of the division? The only reason that’s not on more solid ground is because of this game. The Pats will probably look like world beaters again, fattening up on the mess that is Cincy. It’s like it took a couple years, but all the shits taken by the Browns for the last couple years finally went down the river for them to drink.

Eagles @ Racists

Dolphins @ Giants

Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

My friends and I tend to stylize some songs for karaoke. As such, when I do this one, I proudly proclaim that I’m the dick in a box.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

Mitch McConnell. Always. Biff’s slapnuts tool here is the worst human being on the planet, which is saying something. Fuck that guy with a goddamn iron rake.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Vikings -2.5

That Kirk Cousins, he isn’t named that cuz he married his cousin, is he? Cuz that’s not cool, man! Downright nasty.

2019 Magic Record: 6-6-1

Fire this Asshole!

  • Jay Gruden–DEAD!
  • Ron Rivera—DEAD!
  • Jason Garrett ******
  • Matt Patricia ******
  • Dan Quinn
  • Pat Shurmur
  • Adam Gase
  • Freddie Kitchens
  • Zac Taylor
  • Anthony Lynn
  • Vic Fangio

(*Potential midseason firing/how does this guy still have a fucking job)

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Trying to roast chestnuts on an open fire, but out of chestnuts? Go on out to the barn with a scythe. Bull nuts are a perfect replacement!

Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans:

Y’know, at this stage paint drying or offline channel static is better than a Bengals game. The good news is, it’s Rise of Skywalker lead-up week! As such, there’s a Star Wars marathon on TNT. Rogue One will get you through the Bengals’ deaths.

Gratuitous Futurama Quote:

Fry, stop interfering with history! I don’t wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.

That’s right, I changed it! I always preferred Futurama.

Enjoy the games, everybody.

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  1. I hope we keep the Futurama gratuitous quote going forward. That’s my shit right there.

    Also, the intro to these things is always the hardest. It really requires you to have a rant pent up for an entire week to do it justice. Keep up the good work, man.

  2. 42 FTW! & all that…it may mean less coming from a sports heathen who can’t comment on the accuracy of a bunch of the above…

    but you nailed that shit about the Muppets & it’s a goddamned shame that ever was allowed to happen…so I hope it gets stepped on right quick…

    …my childhood memories of the Muppets mostly involve thinking they were more “something” than anything I could think of on TV right up until I was old enough to learn the word “subversive”.


    it’s hard to deny things are headed in a fucked up direction, here…but THE FUCKING MUPPETS?

    …is nothing sacred?

    • The Muppets movie in 2011 with Jason Segal was good, but he has moved on to other things. He was a huge fan and got what made the Muppets work, but unfortunately there hasn’t been anyone with vision involved since then.

      My guess is the accountants have run the numbers on residuals and licensing and have decided they don’t want to pay for any major new content when they have a steady income already established. Just strip mine what they already have.

  3. The Muppets gave my little bb heart a true and undying crush on John Denver, and it seems pretty unfair that both him and Jim Henson were both dead by 55. Only the good die young and all that.
    I don’t know what else is happening here but I’m trying to be supportive with regards to the sprots ball.

  4. Let’s not forget that the Muppets are also shilling for Farmers Insurance…

    … the same outfit that had the pop-up ads that plagued Deadspin just before the Herbpocalypse.

    They’re dead to me. Even Super Grover.


  5. This week’s (not) Funbag:


    — No way Trump can run a mile. The guy is obese and hasn’t walked more than fifty steps in thirty years. His joints would collapse from the stress within 100 yards.

    The last bite of Ethiopian food would be fantastic, except I don’t think I’ve ever had room to finish what’s served in a restaurant.

    — I think he’s giving too much credit to Capital One. If (when) they realize nobody wants to pay for bad coffee at a bank, what are they going to do with the space they’re still paying rent on? Downtown space is expensive. A much better plan is to spin off speculative junk bonds backed by the carpet and paint they can scrape off the space.

    — Why does Rob think Eli might not get out of Port Authority? Slime molds can navigate their way out of mazes. Give Manning enough time and eventually he’ll find an entrance.

    — I think Brian has forgotten how old 40 year olds look to 21 year olds. There is no way he could show up at a college party and not look like Steve Buscemi going undercover to them,

    • “I think Brian has forgotten how old 40 year olds look to 21 year olds. There is no way he could show up at a college party and not look like Steve Buscemi going undercover to them.”

      I remember being 22 and thinking I had it all figured out, what with my bachelor’s degree and ability to legally buy alcohol. At 44, I subscribe now to the theory that you shouldn’t be considered a full adult until 30.

  6. Yeah, being in my 6th decade I get lots of feels when it comes to Jim Henson’s creations (Fraggle Rock is the peak for me). I think I tried to watch some of the most recent movies but don’t think I finished them, at least I don’t remember finishing them and never saw the most recent show.

    The ‘Take a Chance on Me’ skit being a favorite to this day. I’m a sucker for Abba.

    There are really no NFL games that have my attention this week but I’ll try to catch some of the NCAA Playoffs in AA, 2 & 3.

    D1-AA quarters offer Montana V Weber St in a nice Big Sky showdown and Montana St @ Austin Peay could see a total near 100. We get 3 games Friday, the 2 noted plus UNI V JMU & Illinois St V NDSU will go on Saturday.

    D2 is in the semis Farris St v W Fla & Slippery Rock v Minn St. Farris and Slippery Rock to advance.

    D3 semis give us old favorites Whitewater v St John’s and 2 I really don’t know in Muhlenberg v N Centeral Illinois. St John’s barely got by Wheaton last week.

  7. To be fair, Cincinnati is not downriver from Cleveland. Cleveland sits on the Cuyahoga River, which empties into Lake Erie. Cincinnati sits along the Ohio River, which empties into a Skyline Chili.

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