So yes, I’m back! A little older, a little…wiser? Maybe. I dunno. I get to talk about how I am the answer to life, the universe, and everything for an entire year. So that’s good. But birthdays? Meh. I don’t know that I’m gonna care about any more from here on out.
Anyway, to the point. Our wonderfully commercial society has given way to some strange pairings over the years. Recently, we saw ET and the actor Henry Thomas stage a little reunion for Xfinity. Odd though that is, that doesn’t really bother me. What pisses me right off? The Muppets are shilling for Facebook’s Portal. The goddamn Muppets.
There seems to be some confusion about what exactly the Muppets are supposed to be. Disney has owned the trademark for almost twenty years, and nobody there seems to have the first clue about how to handle them. Proof? I got that for you. That short-lived TV series, for one thing. And I don’t just mean the one from a couple years ago, but the licensed Muppets Tonight that ran for all of two years just before the official acquisition. That was the closest Disney has come to grasping the spirit of what Henson did.
The Muppets were always kid-friendly, and if you’re about my age you can probably remember the old days and the original movies. I watched the original Muppet Show, and it had humor that everyone could understand, but most of the stuff there was for the older set. Animal is, for example, the last character that should be considered a kid’s character. Look at him chase after women. Not exactly a thing there.
What we have seen is that it is possible to have that balance. SpongeBob pulls it off routinely. The Muppets should be able to, as well. It appears they need their own Kevin Feige. But regardless, you know what they aren’t? Shills for the privacy invading industry. Holy fuckknuckles, that Disney has licensed them to appear in ads for Facebook, of all things, makes that old killing spree urge rise up in the sub-cochle area. Henson has to be spinning in his grave. Someone who knows something needs to get their hands in there, because this shit is trash.
Jets @ Ravens: Normally, the Jets belong nowhere near this part of the list. But the throwgasms will be repetitive watching Lamar Jackson toast their secondary. It would be wise for the Jets to prepare the memorial services for their defensive players in advance, because none will survive. It’s gonna be Dark Knight Rises out there.
Texans @ Titans
Bills @ Steelers: Can someone tell me what’s going on in the Burgh? Remember the idiots who’ve been on the Fire Tomlin bandwagon? They probably don’t remember themselves. Through three QBs this season and sitting at 8-5 with a good chance at the playoffs. This is some goddamn Harry Potter shit here. Tomlin must have majored in spells and hexes in school or something. This team was dead a month in, and now here we are. Oh, and the Bills could (theoretically, anyway) tie for the division lead with a win. WTF.
Colts @ Saints
Bears @ Packers
Falcons @ 49ers: It sucks that Richard Sherman is gonna be out, but I don’t think it matters. This is a good week for him to miss. Get him to keep some of those miles on the tires after the entire secondary got their asses handed to them by the Saints. Jimmy G held his own in a shootout that they won, too. Figure that. The complaints and “meh” attitude surrounding the QB play on this team may yet dry up.
Vikings @ Chargers
Rams @ Cowboys
Seahawks @ Panthers
Chiefs @ Broncos
Buccaneers @ Lions: Look, at this point we all know I could make a living writing paragraphs of takes on the Lions sucking, because goddamn do they. Know how I know? Well, I have eyes, for one thing. The other? Remember what I wrote on the Steelers a couple paragraphs ago? Lions had a nearly identical situation in the QB department, and where the Steelers have mustered resolve and won a bunch of games, the Lions settled into the losing streak they’d started before Stafford broke his back and just enjoyed the slide. I hope their asses get blisters.
Browns @ Cardinals
Jaguars @ Raiders
Patriots @ Bengals: Remember that “theoretically” I used when referring to the Bills’ chance to grab a piece of the division? The only reason that’s not on more solid ground is because of this game. The Pats will probably look like world beaters again, fattening up on the mess that is Cincy. It’s like it took a couple years, but all the shits taken by the Browns for the last couple years finally went down the river for them to drink.
Eagles @ Racists
Dolphins @ Giants
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
My friends and I tend to stylize some songs for karaoke. As such, when I do this one, I proudly proclaim that I’m the dick in a box.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Mitch McConnell. Always. Biff’s slapnuts tool here is the worst human being on the planet, which is saying something. Fuck that guy with a goddamn iron rake.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Vikings -2.5
That Kirk Cousins, he isn’t named that cuz he married his cousin, is he? Cuz that’s not cool, man! Downright nasty.
2019 Magic Record: 6-6-1
Fire this Asshole!
- Jay Gruden–DEAD!
- Ron Rivera—DEAD!
- Jason Garrett ******
- Matt Patricia ******
- Dan Quinn
- Pat Shurmur
- Adam Gase
- Freddie Kitchens
- Zac Taylor
- Anthony Lynn
- Vic Fangio
(*Potential midseason firing/how does this guy still have a fucking job)
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Trying to roast chestnuts on an open fire, but out of chestnuts? Go on out to the barn with a scythe. Bull nuts are a perfect replacement!
Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans:
Y’know, at this stage paint drying or offline channel static is better than a Bengals game. The good news is, it’s Rise of Skywalker lead-up week! As such, there’s a Star Wars marathon on TNT. Rogue One will get you through the Bengals’ deaths.
Gratuitous Futurama Quote:
Fry, stop interfering with history! I don’t wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.
That’s right, I changed it! I always preferred Futurama.
Enjoy the games, everybody.