I’m Out of Shit Tickets

I live in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area) kind of close to the airport and even closer to where the new downtown Vaughan is being constructed so I am used to heavy traffic at certain times especially considering the fact that I might be the only person under 60 who lives within a two kilometre radius of me. But I just successfully drove around during rush hour with little to no traffic to FOUR different grocery stores to purchase toilet paper. None of them had toilet paper.

As many of you know, I am a very impatient person especially whilst driving or in grocery stores so I can’t say I have never been tempted to give a 60 year old woman an ass whoopin’ in a grocery store, but only when they really deserve it on account of the way they stop mid-aisle with their carts in a way that would cause a pile up if they did it on a highway…not over an item used solely for ass wipin’.

Sometimes it’s like Chris Rock said, they might deserve it sometimes but you just don’t do it.

So thanks, Chris. Now I’m shit out of shit tickets.

If you don’t see me around within the next few days, it’s safe to say that I most probably starved to death because I had no toilet paper to eat.

Well, at least my freezer’s stocked – so I got that going for me, I guess?

About myopicprophet 133 Articles
Kinja refugee. Rants often. Right sometimes.


  1. I personally don’t get it. I borrowed a habit from mom and always stock up on toilet paper and paper towels when they’re on sale. It explains why I have about two-three months supply (for me) in my basement.

    Nothing worse than taking a dump and thinking you that you ran out of butt wad in the entire house (happened to my former housemate and I mocked/laughed at him when I handed him a roll because he used to make fun of me for stocking up on such paper products until that moment.)

    I’m not a greedy person, but I live in the GTA and am willing to trade a few rolls for some good frozen food though. (Kidding.)

    • It’s getting late have you got butt wipe?
      Ma tell me when the stock boys get here
      It’s seven o’clock and I want to rock
      Want to get a bag full of Scotts

      My old mom’s meaner than some infected monkeys
      And my sister she don’t care
      My wife looks cute in her sweats and boots
      A handful of hair on her lip

      Don’t give us none of your aggravation
      We had it with your discipline
      Toilet Paper aisle’s alright for fighting
      Get a little action in

    • Woolworths still exists?

      Pardon me, I believe I have starved to death due to lack of toilet paper and made it beyond the event horizon, sucked through the singularity and ended up in a parallel universe in which Woolworths still exists.

      I can’t wait to grab that Mr. T with removable boxing gloves action figure all over again. It’s like I died and went to my happy place.

    • …well, I saw at least two versions of it posted by people today that had different colored backing so either someone went to a lot of trouble or it’s on more than one set of empty shelves

      …can’t vouch for more than that, though?

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