All of you know by now that I’m a Floridian, a true Florida Man, born in Gainesville and living here for most of my life (except for a time when I lived in Georgia and about which the less said the better). And you also all know about the regrettable Florida Man meme that’s been circulating … well, forever. You don’t? Well, let’s review some examples:
“Once aboard, law enforcement found a person who showed signs of intoxication.” I mean, who among us hasn’t found themselves in this exact situation?
Scott Massa tried to throw a bucket of accelerant into a home but it ignited and set him on fire. The home was undamaged. Okay, the obvious idiocy here is not the truly remarkable thing. No, they buried the lede. The real story is: “Canine units tried to find Massa, but police say the trail was lost after he got into a vehicle and drove away.” A dude who was on fire and was presumably still smoldering managed to elude police. Who’s the dummy here? Not the Human Torch. Police did pick him up when he sought medical attention, but it hardly requires CSI to identify someone who looks like he slept in a campfire.
- Dude’s name is actually Love. I thought for sure … well, never mind what I thought.
- He was arrested at age 18 for illegally operating a medical practice, including an office. Who rents an office to an 18-year-old with fake credentials? See, the really amazing thing about Florida Man is that he literally couldn’t exist without a Florida Man ecosystem that aids and abets him.
- Patients didn’t realize he was only 18 at the time. Who needs medical school, amirite? I guess his patients thought Doogie Howser, MD was a documentary. See #2.
- After serving his sentence, he was arrested again for getting clients of the shipping company he worked for to send over $10,000 to his personal account. He would like the company to know, though, that he’d prefer to not go to jail again. Setting aside the fact that he has no shot at Employee of the Month, if his goal is to avoid jail, maybe don’t commit crimes. Just a thought.
There are very few Florida Men who manage to make the list twice.
For the moment, we’re going to set aside the fact that naked men run around Florida doing stupid shit all the time. It’s pretty much its own sub-meme at this point. No, this was a naked mastermind. Officers responded to reports of a naked man running along Interstate 10 in western Jacksonville, as you do in western Jacksonville. Seriously, it’s western Jacksonville. You might as well be in Palatka.
The naked man, Joshua Shenker, was lying in the road when an officer stopped on the other side. After luring the officer to a stop, Shenker ran across the roadway toward the officer. The redacted report didn’t reveal how Shenker stole the vehicle, presumably because the police didn’t want to give all the other naked Florida men any ideas. Or maybe the officer didn’t want to admit he was outsmarted by a naked man who jogs along I-10.
So why am I telling you all this? Because I need your help, dear DeadSplinterati (DeadSplinterazzi? DeadSplinterites?). When I try to defend my beloved home, I say things like “Eighty percent of the population is from somewhere else” but that doesn’t cut it. I need evidence that other places have just as many idiots. Tell me your tales of stupidity from your own home states. Or states that you want to mock. Or just stories of stupidity from people you know personally. Just don’t involve Florida, okay?