Hey whoever reads this! Constantine is doing birthday shit today, so I’m filling in as the guest writer of this edition of the Jamboroo. If you don’t know who I am, I can’t say I’m too surprised. I was the perpetually greyed KingBubsgonzolaSupreme back on the Kinja sites before everything went Spanfeller over there, and still go by that on the Discord.
But that’s not why you’re here. You’re here for all the other Jamboroo stuff. Which I’ll get too, right after this quick rant.
It feels like Christmas has been breathing heavily on my neck since the beginning of November this year. It might be because I’m currently pursuing my JD and haven’t had time to notice, but it feels like the entire goddamn country looked at CVS’s approach to celebrating holidays a full fucking season in advance, and collectively said “Sure, why the hell not?”
I love me some Christmas time. I used to love it more as a child, but any time you get to spend with your family and friends, singing songs, getting slammed on nog and taking long winter’s naps are good times in my book. I enjoy having the festive lights illuminating otherwise depressing winter landscapes. Even the snow can be a little charming if you live in the more northern latitudes like I do, although that shit gets far more bothersome with age.
But it is fucking unconscionable that we had Christmas radio stations up and running blasting Michael Bublé before most folks even bought their turkeys. I’m nearly burnt out on Christmas, and we’re barely a week into December.
The Grinch had a good fucking point – if Whoville celebrated Christmas all the time, I’d be an irate curmudgeon all the time too. He was probably driven crazy by all the nonstop drumming and caroling since Veteran’s Day. Lord knows I’d go postal if I had to hear the Chipmunks’ “Up on the Housetop” again and again over a seven week period. If you’re feeling like the Grinch, or perhaps like Charlie Brown, and are just sick of the oppressive ambience of JOY TO THE WORLD and yuletide cheer, know that you’re not alone.
Ravens @ Bills: At this point, I think it goes without saying that the Ravens are a goddamn delight this year, Lamar is winning the MVP, and at a minimum, barring catastrophic injury, they’re going to bulldoze their way into the AFC Championship Game.
49ers @ Saints: The Niners just suspended their color commentator for making racist remarks about Lamar Jackson being able to pull off fake handoffs better because he’s black. The real reason he’s better is because he’s Lamar Jackson. I know the Raiders are leaving the Bay Area, but their organization will still somehow remain the less despicable of NorCal’s teams.
Chiefs @ Patriots
Seahawks @ Rams: That Russell Wilson pick six from the Monday night game was one of the few plays I’ve seen unfold live where I had to stop what I was doing to text a friend about it. This friend happened to be a Seahawks fan. He calmly replied that he wasn’t worried and that the Vikings would fuck things up like they always do against Seattle. I want to see what my friend texts after this game.
Colts @ Buccaneers
Titans @ Raiders: I would’ve had this game higher, but this is a Titans game. Even when they’re good, they give off strong 7-9 vibes that work just as well as Ambien or melatonin supplements for the sleep deprived.
Cowboys @ Bears: I’m genuinely surprised that Jason Garrett still has his job. He’s been the NFC’s Marvin Lewis for the past decade, albeit slightly more successful. Knowing Jerruh though, he’s totally going to bungle the succession plan and squander Dak’s prime. They’re talented enough to contend for the NFC, but that septuagenerian ghoul would rather be embalmed and presented in repose a la Lenin for eternity under the giant TV in Jerryworld.
Lions @ Vikings: I used to date someone from the Twin Cities, so I’m familiar with the area. It’s really charming for most of the year, but I’ve never known a harsher cold than Minnesota in December through January. The nicest things that metro area will ever have are Prince, the Eat Street Social, Holidazzle and Hüsker Dü. The sculpture garden’s pretty dope too.
Steelers @ Cardinals
Chargers @ Jaguars
Broncos @ Texans
Giants @ Eagles: Can you fucking believe that both of these teams won the Super Bowl this decade? It’s really damning of the NFC East that, as of my writing this sentence, the Skins of all teams still have a mathematical chance at winning the division with a 7-9 record and hosting a beatdown at the hands of either Niners or the Seahawks in January. Oh, and Eli Manning gets to return for this game, and will likely finish an improbable Hall of Fame career with a sub .500 record.
Panthers @ Falcons: Perry Fewell is now the coach in Carolina. I don’t have anything witty to add – it is just something I learned. And now you have, in case you hadn’t. I have no idea where the Panthers go after here, but that commercial Cam Newton filmed a few years ago with that schoolboy talking about taking his job feels far more prescient than people intended it to be.
Washington @ Packers
Dolphins @ Jets: Two terrible teams playing for the glory of worsening their own draft standings. Sure, there’s always a chance this could make for a competitive game, but only in the sense that these Dolphins could out-Jets the Jets and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in methods most impossible.
Bengals @ Browns
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
You might remember The Fall of Troy if you ever played Guitar Hero. Or if you were a scene kid growing up circa the mid aughts. I caught them when they played at The Bamboozle in NJ about a decade ago. They’re still around, and they’re a reminder that three-person bands fucking shred.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
Jim Jordan can run naked backward through a field of dicks. Ditto for Matt Gaetz (aka the guy suing a fake Twitter cow) and Louie Gohmert. How any of these men lack the ability to feel shame for carrying water for Biff is beyond me.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Falcons -7
I know a thing or two about leaving a team mid-season. And believe me, they did not win a lot after I did.
2019 Magic Record: 5-6-1
Fire this Asshole!
Ron Rivera – FIRED!(?)
Jason Garrett *****
Matt Patricia ***
Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack of the Week!
If you’re ever in a tight bind and need cups for drinks or soup, remember that a good, worn-in work-boot comes in handy. Plus it can really bring out the flavor in moonshine or chicken-noodles. The sooner you’ve worn the boot, the better! Best advice ol’ Saginaw Slim gave me in my hobo days.
Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans: The Irishman (Netflix)
I’ve heard this is a great movie that is thirty minutes too long – anything to keep the Bengals off your screen.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:
Marge: As long as everybody is videotaping everybody else, justice will be done.
Enjoy the games, folks! Constantine will be back next week.