Jamboroo (Knockoff): Leaves Suck! [7/11/19]

(Borrowing this format and the images once again, with apologies to Drew Magary, and to all of you if I suck at it)

I like fall.

I hate leaves.

I do not have a tree in my yard, front or back. And yet, every year I am inundated because of my neighbor’s three(!) massive oak trees. It’s worth something that she doesn’t like them any more than I do, but she’s not always going to be cleaning them off my driveway, and never off my lawn. And let me tell you, leaves fucking suck. Those of you who may read this from warmer climates where you have palm trees don’t know how good you’ve got it. Between the falling, the wind, and the rain, suddenly you get these things piled up everywhere and not moving when you get the blower out.

My son, however, loves when we get a pile together so he can dive in. Of course then I have to make sure that his clothes aren’t wet, covered in debris, or crawling with whatever critters haven’t yet gone away for the winter. It sucks. Anybody want to come by and chop down her main tree in the front yard? The one at the curb can stay cuz it spreads the wealth. I can’t pay you with anything other than a hearty thanks, but isn’t that really enough?

The Games

(As always, rated on a watchability of throwgasms)

Five Throwgasms!

Seahawks @ 49ers: I won’t go saying that divisional rivalry games are always good. I’m a Lions fan, and my team is so bad that nobody actually considers them a rival. Packers, Vikes, and Bears games are not always good for us to watch, to say nothing for when the Lions just suck ass, which is all the time. But that said, the game that Richard Sherman inevitably marks on his calendar both times it comes up is probably going to merit the rivalry game hype. Everyone who had the Niners as the last remaining unbeaten, please raise your hands.

Didn’t think so.

Four Throwgasms

Vikings @ Cowboys: Word is they haven’t found that black cat from the Monday night game, but Jerry Jones is surely offering a big reward so it can make another appearance and turn the Vikings into, well, the Vikings.

Panthers @ Packers

Chiefs @ Titans

Three Throwgasms

Chargers @ Raiders: The Chargers are rumored to be uprooting for London? Good, then nobody can give a shit about them across the pond. You wanna dry up the interest of British fans quickly? Send them the Chargers. Sure, you might say, what about the Jets, or the Dolphins? True, I reply, but even though they suck people actually seem to give a shit. Nobody cares about the Chargers. They may as well play on the moon.

Rams @ Steelers

Two Throwgasms

Lions @ Bears: Matt Nagy’s going to kick his way straight out of a job one of these days. If he put half the effort into making sure Trubisky isn’t getting killed or air-mailing throws to Neptune as he did with that kicker competition, the Bears might not suck. As much. Good boost for them with the Lions coming in this week, considering the amount of dumbassery that is their playcalling. Matt Patricia may be a smart guy, but he’s not a smart football coach. Someone’s gonna take that pencil and go Heath Ledger Joker on him with it one day.

Ravens @ Bengals

Falcons @ Saints

Dolphins @ Colts

One Throwgasm

Giants @ Jets: I watched Daniel Jones the other week when the Giants nearly beat the Lions, and I feel bad for him. Not just because he’s starting for a team that is so decidedly putrid and run by a bunch of incompetent buffoons, but…where was I? Sorry, lost my train of thought. I guess what I’m trying to say is, he doesn’t suck, and the Jets lost to the Dolphins, which is probably gonna make Adam Gase’s eyes pop clear out of his sockets by the time this game starts. Positively nobody is gonna care about this game, which is saying something with that Chargers/Raiders tilt happening.

Cardinals @ Bucs

Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

An herb. Seriously, this fucking Rick Snyder looking motherfucker right here: https://ielvis.kinja.com/jim-spanfellers-ranked-1839487491

Fuck that guy.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Green Bay -5

Aaron Rodgers got shut down last week! You don’t want that if you’re Carolina. And Cam’s not gonna be there? Oh hell man, the Packers are gonna hit them so hard they’ll go home to South Carolina! Get it?

2019 Magic Record: 4-4

Fire this Asshole!

Much like the guillotine that Deadspin got thrust under, away we go…

Jay Gruden—DEAD!
Doug Marrone
Dan Quinn (vultures are circling)
Pat Shurmur
Mike Tomlin
Adam Gase
Freddie Kitchens (yes, that’s a laser dot on his chest)
Zac Taylor
Anthony Lynn
Jason Garrett
Matt Patricia
Vic Fangio
Matt Nagy

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Got a problem with leaves? Get your blower, reverse it and bag it all up. Now, make sure you don’t spill them out of the bag cuz each one of those leaves is full of nutrients, and they make a real handy garnish!

Sunday Afternoon movie for Dolphins fans:

Independence Day! (AMC, 3:45pm EST) The original is a pretty decent movie, and you get to watch the White House blow up, so you can put off imagining it happening for a couple hours.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:

“What you’re saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.”

Enjoy the games, all.

(Postscript! OK folks, so I was thinking that maybe I can try to do the Funbag! if you all are interested. I have a dedicated e-mail for my Deadsplinter/DeadspinRIP stuff, so it’s not an infringement on my time to use it for that purpose. Let me know in the comments, and I’ll provide the address. I’m gonna need a good sized response, because that’s a lot of work, so I wanna know that the audience size is worth it –JC)

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      • You can never really count Wilson out, true. But they’ve played pretty much the same way on the road as they have at home. This is a team that’s had to mount huge comebacks to beat the Browns and the effing Falcons. There’s no way the Niners give us the chances we’d need to pull that off again.

  1. You totally suck at this, but thank you so much for doing it! I hope Drew finds a way to keep doing the Jamboroo, but this will do for now.

    (Just giving you a hard time on the “you suck” part.)

  2. Fun fact about Independence Day: it was the first feature film to utilize an improved THX mastering process, so it was REALLY LOUD compared to what people were used to at the time. I remember going to see the film and the manager came out to tell everyone before rolling it that they needed to brace themselves. He wasn’t kidding. Now, all the films are loud as hell–even the dialogue driven ones–so I always bring ear plugs to the theater to make it manageable.

  3. Thanks for doing this, I’ve been going through a Jamboroo withdrawal. I feel like I have to point out, as a Bengals fan (ugh), they really shouldn’t rate anything more than one Throwgasm. Drew never had zero or negative ones, but fuck does this season warrant them.

    • His Jamboroo opener is brutal:

      “This column isn’t supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be here. For over a decade, I wrote this column for Deadspin, and I figured it would just always live there. That’s the naïve pact you sometimes make with yourself when you take a full-time job.”

  4. NEEDS MORE ALL CAPS PROCLAMATIONS. And poop stuff. So much poop stuff. But I laid you for your efforts.

  5. No comments at Vice, so I’ll leave this here about Magary’s Jamboroo:

    Wow does Mitch Albom suck. That idiocy about Halloween costumes is pathetic nasty uncle on Facebook stuff. Why does it not surprise me that Albom harbors a 40 year old grudge about giving candy to kids who didn’t dress up? If you read Albom’s column (Hint: under NO CONDITION should you read Albom’s column) you will see that he complains about the grief that Chris Brown got for wearing an Osama Bin Laden costume. In what world is it a problem that people complain about wearing a Bin Laden costume? Who the hell cares about people mocking Chris Brown? Apparently Mitch Albom thinks all this.

    Magary tore up Albom and quite frankly he was too nice to the pud.

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