(Borrowing this format and the images once again, with apologies to Drew Magary, and to all of you if I suck at it)
I like fall.
I hate leaves.
I do not have a tree in my yard, front or back. And yet, every year I am inundated because of my neighbor’s three(!) massive oak trees. It’s worth something that she doesn’t like them any more than I do, but she’s not always going to be cleaning them off my driveway, and never off my lawn. And let me tell you, leaves fucking suck. Those of you who may read this from warmer climates where you have palm trees don’t know how good you’ve got it. Between the falling, the wind, and the rain, suddenly you get these things piled up everywhere and not moving when you get the blower out.
My son, however, loves when we get a pile together so he can dive in. Of course then I have to make sure that his clothes aren’t wet, covered in debris, or crawling with whatever critters haven’t yet gone away for the winter. It sucks. Anybody want to come by and chop down her main tree in the front yard? The one at the curb can stay cuz it spreads the wealth. I can’t pay you with anything other than a hearty thanks, but isn’t that really enough?
(As always, rated on a watchability of throwgasms)
Seahawks @ 49ers: I won’t go saying that divisional rivalry games are always good. I’m a Lions fan, and my team is so bad that nobody actually considers them a rival. Packers, Vikes, and Bears games are not always good for us to watch, to say nothing for when the Lions just suck ass, which is all the time. But that said, the game that Richard Sherman inevitably marks on his calendar both times it comes up is probably going to merit the rivalry game hype. Everyone who had the Niners as the last remaining unbeaten, please raise your hands.
Didn’t think so.
Vikings @ Cowboys: Word is they haven’t found that black cat from the Monday night game, but Jerry Jones is surely offering a big reward so it can make another appearance and turn the Vikings into, well, the Vikings.
Panthers @ Packers
Chiefs @ Titans
Chargers @ Raiders: The Chargers are rumored to be uprooting for London? Good, then nobody can give a shit about them across the pond. You wanna dry up the interest of British fans quickly? Send them the Chargers. Sure, you might say, what about the Jets, or the Dolphins? True, I reply, but even though they suck people actually seem to give a shit. Nobody cares about the Chargers. They may as well play on the moon.
Rams @ Steelers
Lions @ Bears: Matt Nagy’s going to kick his way straight out of a job one of these days. If he put half the effort into making sure Trubisky isn’t getting killed or air-mailing throws to Neptune as he did with that kicker competition, the Bears might not suck. As much. Good boost for them with the Lions coming in this week, considering the amount of dumbassery that is their playcalling. Matt Patricia may be a smart guy, but he’s not a smart football coach. Someone’s gonna take that pencil and go Heath Ledger Joker on him with it one day.
Ravens @ Bengals
Falcons @ Saints
Dolphins @ Colts
Giants @ Jets: I watched Daniel Jones the other week when the Giants nearly beat the Lions, and I feel bad for him. Not just because he’s starting for a team that is so decidedly putrid and run by a bunch of incompetent buffoons, but…where was I? Sorry, lost my train of thought. I guess what I’m trying to say is, he doesn’t suck, and the Jets lost to the Dolphins, which is probably gonna make Adam Gase’s eyes pop clear out of his sockets by the time this game starts. Positively nobody is gonna care about this game, which is saying something with that Chargers/Raiders tilt happening.
Cardinals @ Bucs
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
An herb. Seriously, this fucking Rick Snyder looking motherfucker right here: https://ielvis.kinja.com/jim-spanfellers-ranked-1839487491
Fuck that guy.
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Green Bay -5
Aaron Rodgers got shut down last week! You don’t want that if you’re Carolina. And Cam’s not gonna be there? Oh hell man, the Packers are gonna hit them so hard they’ll go home to South Carolina! Get it?
2019 Magic Record: 4-4
Fire this Asshole!
Much like the guillotine that Deadspin got thrust under, away we go…
Dan Quinn (vultures are circling)
Freddie Kitchens (yes, that’s a laser dot on his chest)
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Got a problem with leaves? Get your blower, reverse it and bag it all up. Now, make sure you don’t spill them out of the bag cuz each one of those leaves is full of nutrients, and they make a real handy garnish!
Sunday Afternoon movie for Dolphins fans:
Independence Day! (AMC, 3:45pm EST) The original is a pretty decent movie, and you get to watch the White House blow up, so you can put off imagining it happening for a couple hours.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:
“What you’re saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.”
Enjoy the games, all.
(Postscript! OK folks, so I was thinking that maybe I can try to do the Funbag! if you all are interested. I have a dedicated e-mail for my Deadsplinter/DeadspinRIP stuff, so it’s not an infringement on my time to use it for that purpose. Let me know in the comments, and I’ll provide the address. I’m gonna need a good sized response, because that’s a lot of work, so I wanna know that the audience size is worth it –JC)