Let’s Make A Graham Cracker Cake!

I meant to write this up a while ago. Get over it, and make one for New Year’s or some shit like that. We’re not going to pull some nonsense like throwing some Graham Cracker crumbs into some flour and calling it a Graham Cracker cake. That shit’s for amateurs. We’re going to make a cake out of Graham Crackers. Or rather, we’re going to pop open a beer and watch Mrs. Lemmy make a cake out of Graham Crackers. As in, the Graham Cracker are the fucking cake. This recipe has been a Holiday staple in Mrs. Lemmy’s family for decades, coming from her indomitable Grammie, who couldn’t confirm or deny being related to Lucky Luciano, and who years ago didn’t answer the phone when we called on her 93rd birthday, because she was outside shoveling the fucking driveway. Now, let’s watch Mrs. Lemmy make a Graham Cracker cake.

The first things you’re going to need are a beer, and a Mrs. Lemmy, roughly in that order. If you don’t have a Mrs. Lemmy around the house, well you’re just going to have to figure this shit out for yourself. That most likely being the case, you’re going to need a pint of whipping cream. Whip the fuck right out of that shit. Well, pour it into a bowl first. Hopefully you knew that, but if you didn’t then I can’t help you. When it starts to get stiff, squirt some Hershey’s chocolate syrup into it and keep whipping. I’m going to guess you’ll need around 1/8 cup of chocolate syrup, maybe up to1/4 cup if you’re daring. Mrs. Lemmy doesn’t measure it, but it looks like a little more than a coffee scoop, so that’s what I’m going with. Now go and grab a package of Graham Crackers. If you are now literally heading out the door to go buy a package of Graham Crackers, you’re doing it wrong. I can’t help it if you weren’t smart enough to read through this before getting started. Anyhow…..

Take those Graham Crackers and break them into squares. I don’t know how many you’ll need, because I’m drinking beer and not counting. By now you should be on at least your second beer, since it doesn’t take two hands to whip cream. I’ll definitely be on my second beer, because it doesn’t take any hands to watch. In any case, you’re going to take one of those squares of Graham Cracker and slather a bunch of that whipped cream onto one side, like maybe a half-inch’s worth. Stand that fucker on edge on a cake plate or carrier or some shit like that, something about a foot long, maybe a little longer. You might have to kind of make a sandwich out of it with another Graham Cracker to get it to stand up. Continue thusly, spreading whipped cream onto Graham Crackers and sticking them together until you’ve constructed something about a foot or so long. Now, take the rest of your whipped cream and spread it all over the outside of that foot-long cake-type thing.

Now, here’s the most important part: Put that whole thing into the refrigerator overnight, so that the Graham Crackers absorb the moisture from the whipped cream. They will soften to the point that you can eat them with a fork. Cut your slices diagonally, so that it looks like a fancy layer cake instead of the giant fucking block of Graham Crackers and whipped cream that it is. No crumbs, no baking, no problem.