Let’s Make Some Chicken Soup!

(Trigger Warning: This recipe may or may not contain cilantro, it’s up to you, but your friends might like it, so be a good host and all-around decent human being and provide them with some fucking cilantro.)

No, not that kind of chicken soup. At our house, we just call this “Felipe’s soup.” Remember my Mexican friend from Acapulco or Tijuana? That was Felipe. Well, that was his last name anyway. Or more accurately, half of his last name. His first name was Cayetano, but for some reason at work we all called him Felipe. This was another staple at his pay-per-view boxing parties, which were usually also rife with tamales, lamb, rice, cervesa…….and some concoction called “mamajuana” (Mama Juana, but they all pronounced it as one word), which is basically a Dominican recipe of rum or vodka steeped with various leaves and twigs and bark. According to my Mexican friends, “it will give you power; your wife will love it” (make a fist and slap your other hand on your forearm as you say it). So, yeah.

Back to the soup. First, you’re going to need some chicken. Here’s the thing: Felipe used to just part out a whole goddamned chicken and boil it up, bones and all — well, I mean, not the guts and feathers and shit, but you probably knew that. It was fucking delicious, and kind of fun to eat, but my wife thinks that’s messy and gross and won’t let me do it. So, I have to settle for some boneless whatevers, which is fine but lazy and less authentic and not as fun.

Anyway, take your chicken parts or diced-up boneless whatevers and chuck them into whatever seems like an adequate amount of water. Seriously, it’s not fucking rocket science. Just leave room for some other stuff, but that comes later. Add some seasoning. I throw in some salt and pepper, some oregano, basil, a bay leaf or two, maybe a little cayenne just for flavor. Nothing too hot, and definitely not some goddamned bullshit chili powder that’s going to drown out everything else and make it taste like a fucking taco. Simmer that shit until the chicken is done. Then, you are going to dump 2-3 small cans (maybe 2 large ones if you’re into it) of hominy into the pot. Don’t drain them, just chuck them in there – well, I mean open them first, and chuck all the contents in. Felipe’s wife had to explain what hominy was (“It’s maize” – she didn’t speak much English, and so eventually had to show me a can), because despite living in North Carolina for two years, I somehow had gone through life not realizing that hominy grits are made from corn. And I still don’t quite understand what “hominy” is.

Back to our scheduled programming. While your chicken is cooking, you are going to get the following: a cabbage, a white onion, some cilantro, and a lemon. I keep these in my refrigerator because I am a pagan Norseman and I don’t give a fuck. You can take them from your proper floofy Cabbage Cellar and Onion Cabinet if that’s what you prefer. Whatever makes you happy, Gordon. But if by “get” you mean heading off to the store, you’re doing it wrong again.

Chop up your cabbage, onion, and cilantro, and put them each in a separate bowl. DO NOT PUT THESE IN THE FUCKING POT WITH THE FUCKING CHICKEN. Just put the bowls on the goddamned table. That’s it. Yes, you’re going to eat the vegetables raw. Deal with it, and thank me (and Felipe) later. Cut your lemon into wedges and throw those in a bowl, too. Open a jar of pickled jalapenos and put that next to all those bowls. Serve the soup from the pot, and add from the bowls and jars on your table to your heart’s content. Mommy’s special little snowflake doesn’t even have to add any cilantro, as long as you don’t continue to bitch to yours truly about how yucky it is. I know, I heard you the first three times, and I still don’t care.