Let’s Make Some Salsa!

16/2/21 LemmyKilmister 14

(Trigger Warning: This recipe contains cilantro)

Is this “salsa verde?” How the fuck do I know? My friend from Acapulco (could never remember if it was Tijuana or Acapulco, but I vaguely remember committing it to memory by reminding myself “It’s that place where they jump off the cliffs” — or was it “not the place where they jump off the cliffs?” — hence my confusion. Let’s just go with Acapulco.) taught me how to make it a couple of decades ago, and he just called it “salsa.” If that’s good enough for a native Mexican, we’ll just go with that.

Now, the first thing you’re going to want is 6-7 tomatillos. It is very important to peel that paper stuff off. No one wants that shit in their salsa. You’re also going to want 2-3 jalapenos. My garden grew some weak-ass peppers, so this batch could have used another one. I have a good memory of sitting in said friend’s kitchen after a night of pay-per-view boxing and too many cervesas (my Mexican friends loved their boxing and cervesas). He put one too many peppers in his batch, and we sat at the table eating tortillas and sweating bullets. Anyway, put those little bastards in a small pan and just about cover them with water, thusly:

Bring those bad boys to a boil, and cook for about 15 minutes. You should probably let them cool down a bit before this next step, because the steam and heat you release will blow the fucking top right off your blender when you hit the button (don’t ask me how I know this). After they are cooled (I just throw them in the fridge for 20 minutes or so, but hold on to the top of the blender just in case), dump the whole goddamned mess into your blender, water and all. You can use one of those fancy $200 KitchenMasterDeluxe blenders if you absolutely must. I use a cheap-ass Hamilton-Beach blender that probably cost $30 at Target and would destroy itself trying to make a frozen drink (don’t ask me how I know this).

Anyway, hold out your hand and pour some salt into your palm. Does that look like about a half a teaspoon? I don’t know. Dump it into the blender. You can always swish your finger around in that shit and taste it after. This batch was a little bland, so I needed about twice that much. Blend that stuff right up. I suppose it doesn’t much matter what setting you use, but I usually just go right to “blend” or “liquify.”

Next, you pour that whole goddamned blended-up mess into a bowl (Spoiler alert: Leave some room for your onion). Now, get yourself a small-medium sized white onion. I mean get it out of the refrigerator. If at this point you have to literally go get one at the store, you’re doing it wrong. This one was a little bigger than a baseball:

Yes, that’s a Budweiser baseball. A friend played in a men’s league that was sponsored by their local Budweiser distributor, and thus they got to put their beer on all the baseballs — but not my Mexican friend, because that would be “beisbol.” Anyway, dice that whole fucker right up – well, I mean peel it first– and dump it in. Now, if you’ve read this far and still decide to fall apart over this next step, don’t say I didn’t warn you all the way back at the tippety-top of the article. And really, this next step is the whole point of the recipe. You know that bunch of cilantro you buy at the grocery store that’s roughly the size of your thigh? Take about half of it. Contemplate whether that’s enough, then add another 6-7 stalks. Chop that shit up really good, stems and all. Dump it into your bowl. Give it a stir. Now go microwave yourself some corn tortillas because you’re done. Also goes well over rice. Especially good if you throw a few chunks of lamb in your tortilla.

(Yes, I purposely copped Albert Burneko’s style. I miss his food columns.)

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14 Comments

  2. Holy fucking shit, the trauma of today is going to send me to a locked ward.
     
    Cilantro is poison.  Full stop.
     
    Tomatillos are disgusting garbage that aren’t even useful as fertilizer because they would taint anything that grew there with their foulness.
     
    Of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less from someone who refrigerates their onions.  I wouldn’t expect anything more either.
     
    This is why New Mexican food is the only True And Right “Mexican” food.  Your salsa needs Hatch green chiles, TOMATOES, garlic, onions, cumin, oregano, salt, and red chile powder.  Jalapenos are optional but certainly acceptable.

      • Aren’t all chefs grumpy? Our friend the fancy restaurant European-trained chef was a terror. I think it is the stress of attaining perfection one dish at a time?

        • My cousin is the only non-asshole chef I have ever encountered.  But, he also smokes a whole bushel of dope every day so that probably has something to do with it.
           
          The job is stressful as hell to be sure.  However, I think that there are some chefs who really buy into the “image” of the grumpy chef and just are total pricks because they think that’s what they’re supposed to do or because they use it as an excuse to be an asshole all day long.  Or, as in the case of my dead, criminal, father:  both.

      • “I don’t have rules. It is common sense,” Masumoto said.

        Preach it, Brother Masumoto.
         
        If I were ever stupid, or suicidal, enough to open a restaurant, there would be a list of rules a mile long.  Including, but not limited to:
         
        No children under 15 years of age.
        Children over 15 years of age must demonstrate good manners, or wait in the car.
        We pay our servers a living wage so stop bitching about the prices.  If you want a $10 steak, then go to Ruby Shithole.
        Steaks will not be cooked beyond medium rare.  Burgers will not be cooked beyond medium.  People who put ketchup on their steaks will have the police called on them.
        Say “please” and “thank you”.  They are servers, not servants.
        No substitutions.  Go to Burger King if you want it your way.
        Turn your goddamned phone off.  Better yet, leave it in the car.
        Inside voices.  Nobody cares about your life.
        No vegans.

    • Would it be sacrilege to mention that I have an excellent recipe for a bean/corn/onion/tomato/cilantro (gasp) salsa? We do make it without cilantro for our genetically anti-cilantro friends. The recipe came from a fine-dining restaurant…but may not work for a purist?

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