Jamboroo: Looking for Ray Finkle…And a Clean Pair of Shorts! [30/1/20]

Superb Owl time! Time to search for the next Ray Finkle. You know the guy; the utter goat whose mistake in the big one haunts him forever, and causes him to lose his mind and go on a perfectly calculated spree of psychosis that will culminate in revenge, and the Dolphins losing the…wait, the Dolphins suck, so I guess that’s not happening. Like ever. Fish tank baby, fish tank.

Meantime, Eli Manning has shuffled off. At fucking last. Finally, no more Mannings to be had in the NFL. IDK if Captain Average and his brother Five-Head have any kids, but if they do, at least we’ll have a while before they start popping up. If football’s even a sport by then.

Eli managed to win the whole thing twice, and both times it was against New England and without barely hanging on and being carried by a godly defense. But he also finished with a .500 record. The chances of that, with as long as he played, aren’t good. QBs with .500 records are usually the 5-5, 1-1 types. Not 117-117. That is a preposterous monument to mediocrity.

Eli may never make the Hall of Fame, but he will always have a Hall of Fame derp face:

Now if we could just get rid of Brady…

The Game

(As always, rated by Throwgasms)

Five Throwgasms!

49ers vs. Chiefs: Well, it’s the big one. Quite. I don’t usually figure Superb Owls for this high up on the chart, but the Niners have a damn good D and the Chiefs a damn good O, run by one of the most exciting players in the game today. Mahomes is the X factor to me; if the Niners contain him, they can game manage their way to a win over a soft KC defense. If Mahomes gets the looks, then this will be a laugher in a hurry. Regardless, it should actually be an entertaining game, and we know how rare those can be.

Four Throwgasms


Three Throwgasms


Two Throwgasms


One Throwgasm


Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

I’m not sure what to do with John Bolton at this point. It certainly looks like his book was timed in such a way that his allegedly magnanimous decision to be willing to testify if called was a smokescreen to make himself look good, where the book then negates the notion that his testimony would mean anything since he laid things out so much there. Why are people in the orbit of Biff so dangerous? Well, this makes it look like we got played, so there ya go. There will be many more twists on this thing before it’s all over; as of the scheduling of this post, Biff’s people are trying to say that the book can’t be published, and Republicans want to review it in private, while Democrats want to review it in public. What a shitshow.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: (N/A)

Magic will not be picking this week, for obvious reasons.

2019 Magic Record: 8-7-1

Magic Playoff Record 1-2

Fire this Asshole!

Jay Gruden—CANNED!

Ron Rivera—CANNED! (Back as a zombie in WSH)
Jason Garrett—CANNED!
Pat Shurmur—CANNED!
Freddie Kitchens—CANNED!

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Im-peach-ment? Never heard of it. But if you’re after peaches, make sure you’re using plenty of manure to get those trees to grow. Cow manure is the best, and that stuff is everywhere!

Gratuitous Futurama Quote:

When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Enjoy the game, everybody. Jamboroo will return in the fall; if you have ideas for new features, please private message me here. No promises on anything, but I’d like to hear your ideas. I’m intending to revamp this format to be a bit more me and less Drew, so if you’d like to see a new kind of feature, or want me to keep any of these features as is, just let me know.

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  1. I grew up a fan of the AFL teams that generally took the pipe post merger in The Bowl. The Radiers & Dolphins were the only AFL teams to win the Bowl for 30 years after the merger when the Broncos broke through to be the 3rd AFL team to win it. Yeah, I like an underdog. In those days the trend was for a blowout and games were never close in the 2nd half. We’ve been pretty lucky this millennia only having 2 games that were decided by halftime.

    The last Bowl before the merger would be the only KC win and the coach of that team was Hank Stram. He was the 1st coach that was mic’d up at The Bowl and would become an instant favorite. “Keep matriculating the ball down the field” was everyone’s favorite quote. But the way he talked up and worked the refs was mine.

    I was a bit young when he coached KC and my 1st memory of him was coaching the Saints who would’ve made a better episode of Miami Vice than a football team (they did lots of drugs). Hank would go on to TV and be one of the great color commentators of the time.

    He also created one of the best formulas that predicted The Bowl winner.

    I’ve not used this for a long time but dusted it off in honor of Hank and the Chiefs making The Bowl after 50 years. The last time I remember doing so was for XLVIII (48) and the last blowout (on the scoreboard) we saw. The numbers I get off the formula this season looks like a carbon copy 48/11.5, a difference of 36.5 and all indicators of a blowout.

    I’m the 1st to say the game has changes a lot since Hank’s day and what was once an undefeated formula has a few losses the last 20 years but still wins more than not.

    For this reason I’m picking the 49ers to win and win big. I’ll take 3 scores and call it 48 – 27.

    Current forcast: Day; Mostly sunny, with a high near 70. Northwest wind 6 to 11 mph, with gusts as high as 22 mph. Night; Mostly clear, with a low around 54. Calm wind.

    At least the forcast looks good for Miami and should give a good track.

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