Jamboroo: Looking for Ray Finkle…And a Clean Pair of Shorts! [30/1/20]

Superb Owl time! Time to search for the next Ray Finkle. You know the guy; the utter goat whose mistake in the big one haunts him forever, and causes him to lose his mind and go on a perfectly calculated spree of psychosis that will culminate in revenge, and the Dolphins losing the…wait, the Dolphins suck, so I guess that’s not happening. Like ever. Fish tank baby, fish tank.

Meantime, Eli Manning has shuffled off. At fucking last. Finally, no more Mannings to be had in the NFL. IDK if Captain Average and his brother Five-Head have any kids, but if they do, at least we’ll have a while before they start popping up. If football’s even a sport by then.

Eli managed to win the whole thing twice, and both times it was against New England and without barely hanging on and being carried by a godly defense. But he also finished with a .500 record. The chances of that, with as long as he played, aren’t good. QBs with .500 records are usually the 5-5, 1-1 types. Not 117-117. That is a preposterous monument to mediocrity.

Eli may never make the Hall of Fame, but he will always have a Hall of Fame derp face:

Now if we could just get rid of Brady…

The Game

(As always, rated by Throwgasms)

Five Throwgasms!

49ers vs. Chiefs: Well, it’s the big one. Quite. I don’t usually figure Superb Owls for this high up on the chart, but the Niners have a damn good D and the Chiefs a damn good O, run by one of the most exciting players in the game today. Mahomes is the X factor to me; if the Niners contain him, they can game manage their way to a win over a soft KC defense. If Mahomes gets the looks, then this will be a laugher in a hurry. Regardless, it should actually be an entertaining game, and we know how rare those can be.

Four Throwgasms

NONE

Three Throwgasms

NONE

Two Throwgasms

NONE

One Throwgasm

NONE

Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

I’m not sure what to do with John Bolton at this point. It certainly looks like his book was timed in such a way that his allegedly magnanimous decision to be willing to testify if called was a smokescreen to make himself look good, where the book then negates the notion that his testimony would mean anything since he laid things out so much there. Why are people in the orbit of Biff so dangerous? Well, this makes it look like we got played, so there ya go. There will be many more twists on this thing before it’s all over; as of the scheduling of this post, Biff’s people are trying to say that the book can’t be published, and Republicans want to review it in private, while Democrats want to review it in public. What a shitshow.

Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: (N/A)

Magic will not be picking this week, for obvious reasons.

2019 Magic Record: 8-7-1

Magic Playoff Record 1-2

Fire this Asshole!

Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!

Im-peach-ment? Never heard of it. But if you’re after peaches, make sure you’re using plenty of manure to get those trees to grow. Cow manure is the best, and that stuff is everywhere!

Gratuitous Futurama Quote:

When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Enjoy the game, everybody. Jamboroo will return in the fall; if you have ideas for new features, please private message me here. No promises on anything, but I’d like to hear your ideas. I’m intending to revamp this format to be a bit more me and less Drew, so if you’d like to see a new kind of feature, or want me to keep any of these features as is, just let me know.