How is everyone doing?
Spent the last week cramming for psych. Wrote it yesterday and I think I did okay (but trying not to jinx it.) Even went to the gym after a week of sitting on my butt reading/writing psych notes.
Do I feel like I’m stuck in a Skinner Box? Yes. Also have done some unconditional drooling.
Let’s gab. Open thread/threat.
I feel very mature and good to myself. Hear me out. April is a rough month for me the last few years – I had one April where a cousin and a best friend overdosed within a matter of weeks and died. Fentanyl, it’s a real fucker. Both thought they were taking oxys, so you know, addiction sucks.
Most years I don’t realize I’m a little off the rails mentally until late in April and I’m like “oh, dumdum, here’s why you’re a mess.”
This year I am starting off in April being like “dumdum, cut yourself some slack it’s okay if you’re a mess, April is a douche.”
So yeah, my mental health is in the *be kind to myself* mode this week which is nice.
Also I took out a lot of rage today tearing out honeysuckle, english ivy, and wild grapes. It’s a sisyphean task, I didn’t win today and all of this will come back and I’ll be pulling out vines forever. Also everything is actually starting on neighbors’ properties and flowing into mine, so no matter what I hack back it’s still there.
Honestly, if someone had the ability to just douse that area in Agent Orange and not have it drift, I’d do it and put in a rock bed.
Sorry to hear about your April issues. That sounds pretty tough. My wife is also a big proponent of garden therapy. It doesn’t do it for me but I love it for her. I went back to flooring today but at a lower pace. Tomorrow I need to get the house back to semi-normal before the week starts. Our weather turned back to rain so although I’m sawing in the rain, I’m not missing out on sunny weather?
It helped today that we haven’t gotten decent rain in a while so the area is usually muddy as fuck was just slightly damp. Some years I barely touch the area because it’s just consistently too soggy.
To paraphrase Eliot: April can be the cruelest month.
Being kind to yourself and cutting yourself some slack is one of the rarest things we can do. We all deal with grief differently. It is much better approach than I took almost a year ago with the bully.
I found out that someone I know (but no longer associate with for reasons) lost their mom in Nov and he’s been seething ever since (he blames the system for her death, but from how someone who told me the story and actually talks to him described her symptoms she wasn’t going to leave the hospital alive.)
He got into a major stupid road rage incident that cost him his car getting wrecked a couple of weeks ago. I can understand that feeling.
I suspect this is a part of the reason he went road ragey and why I chose violence on my bully is that both are mental processes were jarred by my grief. Not an excuse for that, but it is there. If things weren’t already half cocked at that moment maybe we both back off.
The bully was doing everything possible to press my buttons (it worked.) He wanted me to break down or blow my fucking brains out but he didn’t expect me to hit him and get him fired too. My sister the HR person is still pissed with me about that, but on a visceral level she understands (she kind of admitted that she was also a touch jealous I did because she has some terrible coworkers she would like to deal with.)
Our not my (grief)
Speaking of leaving the Pill Factory.
I’m actually really happy I left the Pill Factory long behind. As much as I miss any severance money, I’m glad I didn’t sue because it would have been a long miserable stupid winding court case with no guarantee I would win (especially since I didn’t have a really good record there is enough in my work record that makes me look like I’m a fucking discipline problem and maybe I was…) I was averaging 1 reprimand (letter, PiP or suspension) a year there (8 of them in a 2 year period.)
I would like to think that the fact that I was ever promoted (twice!), trained people for 3 years, and voted as the site safety rep sez more about what I really was compared to the disciplinary headache management viewed me as.
Regardless of what happens now, I look back at this year in University as welcome change to the Pill Factory Shit Show and as one of the happiest years of my life.
im currently arguing with my cat about whether or not there is food in the bowl
im firmly in camp there is….on account of im looking at it….but she disagrees
on account of…i dont know… i havent put anything fresh in just now…so why look at the bowl to check if meowing your head off to get more is an option?
so yeah…mental state is fine…im arguing with a cat….this is normal