Mental Health Check In [NOT 3/12/23]

Hi, friends!

I hope your weekend went well and you’re rested and ready for the week.

Just want to check in that folks are doing okay. Holiday season can fucking suck for a lot of people due to sad memories, loss of loved ones, or just general stress at having to be around people who aren’t liked.

I know I have basically zero excitement about Christmas this year. I think mostly that’s because of how sick my asshole dad is and how much I’m helping mom take care of his bullshit.

Side note, please have your affairs in order. Not just like a will or power of attorney, just shit like are your tax records handy? This weekend’s adventures involved trying to get the forms done for a property tax refund. But we need 3 years of income tax returns. After no luck finding 2 of them for my dad, he finally admitted that in 2021 he thinks he mailed the wrong forms and then said fuck it and didn’t do anything. We also can’t find any indication he even submitted his 2022 taxes. I want to be clear – he didn’t have cognitive issues earlier this year. He just is an entitled little asshole who doesn’t want to follow rules.

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37 Comments

  1. all copacetic on my end

    not great…but i will live…..and for the time being it looks like all my relatives will too

     

    gotta say tho…..im not so sure cutting off my past social life was a smart move

    i mean sure…im less likely to end up in jail…i guess

    but its left a void….not a small one either

    • Making friends as an adult is hard too.

      I don’t mean it as an exaggeration that the comraderie of this group is very very important to me and I consider my internet friends to be important friends, despite the fact that there is exactly one of y’all who I have met in person.

      • i know what you are saying

         

        is hard for a normal person

        im not one of those…if i decide to let you pass my arnor,,,ye gotta be pretty special

        ….. or bubbly…i have a weak spot for bubbly

        its a happy thing…i am incredibly attractacted to states that dont come naturally to me i guess

  2. I’m hanging in there. I have a wish list of a million things I’d like to be different, but nothing crushing me.

    I guess one wish is that the holidays weren’t such a thing, though. Maybe one year we could all just forget about traveling and presents and get Chinese takeout and watch reruns.

  3. Mrs Butcher has finally gotten tired of pretending that we should celebrate the various holidays because it’s always just the two of us so there’s no reason to make a thing out of it. We had sushi on thanksgiving. We will make a turkey for Christmas but that’s because it came in our Butcher Box. Other than that, no decorations because who gives a shit.

  4. I’m better despite the glum weather and my small scale SAD. Regaining some of the mental footing I lost over the last 3 months due to my parents dementia (but especially mom.)

    I put my mom in a long term care facility (fancy title for senior’s home) this week. I was happy she didn’t try to attack me in the car as I was driving her there. However, she did scream at me when I arrived to pick her up and she disowned me again.

    My mom isn’t doing so great. She was a terror at the respite house and now she’s an utter terror at the long term care facility. She attacked one of the care workers yesterday I was informed.

    Sigh.

    I don’t think my mom will be happy no matter what. In the late summer she went nuts running from her home. Then we put her in the respite home and now she’s in another strange place. I get that she’s scared and dementia is wracking her brain circuitry, but she can’t be free no matter what because she is a danger to herself and everyone around her.

    I checked in on dad who is at the respite home by himself and he’s happier without mom. The staff at the respite house are also happier. Damn I owe them something nice.

    The irony was that I couldn’t visit them because I set off my mom. Now that my dad is by himself, they’re encouraging me to visit him which I will.

    • Manchu, I’m SO glad you were able to get your Mom’s timeline for the secure place bumped up, and that she’s SAFE now!

      And I’m glad you’ll have the time & quiet to be able to hang out with your Dad now, too!

      Not too surprising that he’s doing better, now that *he* doesn’t need to feel stressed about her care, either, too💖

      It SUCKS donkey-butt, that you’re dealing with it, with BOTH parents. I wish there was some way to lessen that load. I know a *little* of that path, after *last* year-ish, and it fuckin’ SUCKS with just one “relatively easy” parent🥴

      Brighter, you have ALL my empathy, too. I’m so sorry you’ve got to deal with all this shit, it fucking SUCKS, and it’s goddamned unfair.

      Fwiw–and you PROBABLY already know it… buuuut if you *don’t*–you CAN access your dad’s tax stuff through the IRS website, if you are POA or if you have his SSN and he hasn’t ever set up an online account.

      I did it for my dad, to get *his* tax records a couple years ago, and back in 2013, set up mom’s with her, too.

      With THAT, you can go in, figure out which years the Deadbeat dead-beated, get his tax info (again) from his employer (or the Social Security Administration, if he was retired?) And get that shit filed relatively easily, as long as there aren’t many assets to deal with.

      You *probably* know all that! But back when I was first dealing with mom (and later Dad), I didn’t, so I figured I’d say it, just in case.

      And like with Manchu–i really *DO* wish there was a magic wand or button that could be waved or pushed, to lighten your load. It SUCKS, and it’s stressful as HELL, and it’s just unfair to have to *BE* the adult, for people who were *supposed* to be adults themselves.

      Tap out, as you need to. Yell into the void here, and we’ll listen. You’ve GOT this, and you’ll get through it.

      Figure out *little* things you can do that help you feel better, or like yourself, and take breaks to DO those things💖

      I’m SO sorry you have to deal with the shit & pick up the pieces there, it IS fucking unfair.💞💕💓💗💖💝

       

      • I have to thank the government bureaucrats (case workers) who pushed my mom’s situation to critical! Thanking government workers? Well, yeah. They did their jobs that allowed me to do mine.

        A bit of luck too as there were openings when I needed them the most. I can’t imagine dealing with the wreck of my mom now.

        All my life’s experience led up to this critical moment. For example if I hadn’t recognized I was being sandbagged yet again by another scummy manager and supervisor then I wouldn’t have used HR to pound them into submission and get what I wanted till the crisis passed (straight afternoons.)

        One thing I did right was making sure I took advantage of whatever opportunity I had (not a great skill, more akin desperate enough to be reaching for the life preserver.)

    • Super glad you were able to get mom situated. In Canada is that covered by your healthcare system?

      Here you have to run through all your assets to qualify for Medicaid. Medicare doesn’t cover shit. I’ve got my mom in their home with private care and I’m paying out of pocket. The only respite is that I can claim her on my taxes as a dependent which saves me 10s of thousands of dollars.

      In the US, the biggest wealth transfer is coming up and it’s not from Boomers to their children. It’s from Boomers to the Private Equity firms that are buying up all the care homes.

      • No, it’s not. Basic rooms (shared) are subsidized a bit, but not a private one. My mom needs a private one because of her issues and thankfully dad had squirreled enough away for both of them to get a private room each.

        We worked out the finances and their pensions will pay for the majority of the cost so we are lucky that way.

        Plan A was to have them live in their own home with care worker support, but that wasn’t going to happen thanks to mom’s dementia caused temper tantrums, behavioral issues, rummaging, running away and hoarding.

        And the home I put her in is owned/run by a private equity firm.

        Also, thanks to my parents saga, a number of my coworkers are rethinking retirement planning a little.

  5. @brightersideoflife

    Good advice. I was lucky my dad kept all his records organized. My sisters helped despite not being there because they handled a lot of their financials/taxes when my dad realized he couldn’t do it anymore so I knew what they had.

    It will take a lot of patience not to scream at your dad. I was surprised at the patience I had for mom despite all the horrible things she screamed about everyone in the family including me. At one visit, the care workers were surprised how I managed not to explode despite my mom verbally abusing me for 20 minutes straight.

    It’s hard to look at a parent go from being someone you cared about to a demented monster who doesn’t care about anyone or anything. All that emotional baggage is hard to get rid of. That’s what I found emotionally draining about this whole mess.

    • The biggest problem I have is that I don’t love that asshole and I’ve been aware of that fact for almost 2 decades but my mom has basically had me hostage in this situation since they’re a package deal and I do love her.

      So like the fact that I have to do so much to take care of someone I genuinely don’t like and who was just an absolute asshole to me for most of my life, is just fucking the icing on the cake for dealing with an entitled asshole who always had to make us do everything his way etc etc.

      • That complicates things a lot. At times the only thing that kept me from throwing things down and walking away was I kept telling myself “It’s for mom.”

        In your case, I’d make it about helping your mom or for helping yourself. That way you don’t have to make it about your dad and more about helping your mom or yourself which is more tolerable (but only a little) and less resentful. It’s not going to get any easier based on my own experience and it’s not going to change the past either.

        It’s funny as I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents either, but I do my best for them because I can. My dad spent a lot of years doubting me (I didn’t exactly show any excellent aptitude either) but he did something I never thought I’d ever live to see which is that he trusts me to do the right thing.

        The baggage is why I didn’t want to be the “care worker” for my parents. I knew that all the emotional baggage would become a massive ball of fire/rage/resentment if I didn’t secure professional help.

        • That makes sense, and yes I’ve been focusing on how I need to help my mom.

          I realize in your case, your mom is the one requiring all the work. But in my family, I swear to fucking god it’s always the men who get needy and can’t figure out shit on their own and I definitely have some lowkey resentment about that. Like I remember finding out my great aunt was taking care of one grandpa when he had issues, despite him being younger than her. Or my grandma just doing so much shit for my other grandpa. Meanwhile all my great aunts stayed as independent as possible and meanwhile my dad is at the point of needing to be literally tucked in because he won’t do it for himself.

          • Unfortunately that sounds a lot like my mom’s family. Based on the stories, I am not a fan of my mom’s brothers. On my dad’s side it is 50/50.

            My father is one of the 50% who aren’t so needy. He’s been pretty good at letting us know what he can and can’t handle. Part of the problem with mom screaming at him is that she expected him to drive her around and she didn’t respect that dad knew he was a danger on the road now. Mom was kind of unreasonable about dad’s vulnerabilities as he aged.

  6. My criminal father did that shit for ten years. Just decided he didn’t have to file, much less pay, his taxes for 10 years because he didn’t like what the government did with the money (read: gave it to poor people and immigrants). Well, guess what? Eventually the IRS will find you. For the next five years all he did was bitch about how unreasonable the government was being. I finally got sick of it and asked him whose fault it was that he didn’t pay his taxes. Of course he couldn’t bring himself to take any responsibility for it because that’s for other people.
    I’m glad that asshole is dead.

  7. I’m hanging in there, reading *far* too much Reddit I suppose, and just mostly…. processing? Existing? Something-ing? This year.

    The other day, finding out that Julianne had already been adopted, was hard, ngl.

    Some of it, was that the news came the day after Dad’s 1-year death anniversary, and I’ve just been missing Lil a lot lately, too.

    And then, too, the fact that we’re now down into the DEEP part of the annual countdown to the Solstice–when it’s *barely* light out as I drive to work, annnnd starting to get dark as I drive to the After-school program (thank GOD I work in Pre-K, so at *least* I get to see the sun for morning drop off & parent pick up, and *again* at afternoon drop off & parent pick up—that DOES help!😉😁💖).

    It gets better by the end of the month–it ALWAYS does.

    And by *January* 21, there’ll be 30+ more minutes of daylight–with a gain of 2-3 minutes *every* day… and THEN, in late February, the ice will take on that purple-y cast, before it goes grey-rottish and breaks up… and Then it’s spring.

    But these last, darkest, days until the 21st take *conscious* thought to remember, “the dark DOESN’T last, it WILL get brighter.”

    There’s plenty to *do,* I’m lucky enough to have Mom’s Christmas gifts taken care of, annnnd hopefully, I can get an ESA letter so that I can adopt one of the sweet pups out there.

    There are a LOT of adorable Black Goodbois & Goodgirls in my neck of the woods right now–Luna is at the same Vet Tech program where Julianne was, and SHE IS ADORABLE, too–*AND* she’s part Newf!🥰😍🤗

    There’s also Bluey & Curly up there, and down *here* at Minneapolis Animal Control, they have Bingo, who looks like he might be a sweet lug, too!😉

    I have my next *scheduled* meeting with my Mental Health person on the 20th, so *hopefully* i can speak with her, about getting paperwork to get an ESA, and then go GET one of those sweet pups.

    Bringing home a Big Black Dog WOULD be a pretty sweet way to celebrate the Darkest Day of the year, NGL!😉😁🤗💖

     

     

  8. I’m afraid that I’m depressed. I find myself crying and being overwhelmed by small things. I’ve been doing nice things for my family but I find no joy in their joy. Now I’m dreading my in-laws coming to visit because it’s just another set of people that I have to mask in front of. I’m kicking myself for having extended that invitation. I’ve seen so many dead or maimed and traumatized children and adults in Palestine. It is making me sick to see the support that Israel is getting. Yes the pro-Palestine rallies give me hope that there are many who feel the same way I do. But it’s not stopping the genocide. They are going to be wiped out or kicked out and this capitalist world will keep on turning. Their history, present society, and future are being eradicated. It makes me literally weep. And now it’s almost a crime to even say that? H Res 888 was what broke me.

  9. Some low-grade depression over here. Saturday was late dad’s birthday, so that day had some solemnity to it. I tried my best to just stay busy over the weekend, even going for a 5K run on a rainy, cold morning.

    Dealing with some issues with my remaining parents as well. Not on the same level as others, but stressful nonetheless.

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