Michael Bloomberg Got Bodied in the Nevada Democratic Debate, to the Shock of No One Who Pays Attention

If the old adage “to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man” is as true as Ric Flair claims it is, then alleged second-place holder and all-around bag of dicks Mike Bloomberg got kicked in the balls, thrown from the top rope, powerbombed in the center in the ring, and got pinned for a three count. Bloomberg is like a wrestler who walks into the WWE thinking he’s tough stuff who then gets fed to all the bigger stars. Mike Bloomberg thought he was Beyonce in this bitch when he’s really Farrah Franklin. Mike Bloomberg was like the kid who was popular at his old school and shows up at his new school thinking he’s the shit and everyone should take a whiff who then gets bullied by the actual popular kids.

I mean, the funniest thing about Bloomberg getting so thoroughly and completely dismantled by literally every other candidate is that Bernie Sanders — ya know, the actual front runner — came out of the debate relatively unscathed. He took a few zingers, but fired off some of his own. He had a great comeback about how the wealthy are already using socialism to their own gains. Bernie came out still looking very much like the guy to beat, while just about everyone else including Bernie decided to take turns coming at Bloomberg’s neck.

I mean, of course it was gonna go this way, right? Bloomberg has been talked up as a potential contender for the nomination in a way that seems patently absurd given that he stands against everything the party currently wants. That much was clear from the onset of the race. So why the hell did everyone gas this mediocre white billionaire up? People who know Bloomberg know how he is. They know he was supremely unpopular in New York. They know he’s peevish and easily annoyed. They trusted this man to walk onto the stage with people who have been doing this shit for month and to nervously talk and roll his eyes and that he’d actually somehow how win this thing? Come on, fam.

Mike Bloomberg is Ja Rule screaming “NO, MONICA!” as a field of Doms and Bryans pass him by. He’s Rita Repulsa claiming she’s got a headache after losing again. If it’s true that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, Mike took a shot and missed the net by three miles. Will it matter? Who knows! Billionaires have whiffed on presidential debates and somehow remained popular to idiots before!

If first impressions are everything, Michael Bloomberg showed up to a first date with America wearing an All Lives Matter t-shirt with a fedora and a vape pen. Bloomberg was an embarrassment, and the fact that he was pushed as a legitimate contender for the last two weeks is a joke. They expected this sleepy old man to debate Trump and fucking win, y’all. There’s hubris, and then there’s fucking ignorance. Michael Bloomberg has the charisma of a twig. In fact, he has less charisma than the twig, because at you can pick up a twig and pretend it’s a bad ass sword.

Mike Bloomberg failed. Hard. It was supremely satisfying. Let Droopy’s unethusiatic older brother spend his billions on a fruitless race. It ain’t over until it’s over, and fam, it’s over for him.

Don’t let the door on one of your six homes hit you in the ass on your way out, my dude.

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About KC Complains A Lot 135 Articles
KC Complains A Lot is another refugee from Deadspin. He enjoys writing and not caving to pressure from herbs.

14 Comments

  1. Sure I expected him to be dragged, but it was no less satisfactory. Especially the Warren bits.

    Bernie may have escaped without much challenge in this one, but I’m OK with it in light of how effectively Klob and Boots were bloodying each other up. Biden was practically non-existent. Begging for the chance to speak. Just how I prefer him.

    I’m OK with Bernie and Liz differentiating themselves a bit on policy, while saving the majority of their fire for the other 4 until it’s the two of them and one of the also-rans on stage. We’re going to have the best chance of getting someone who actually wants change the longer we have both.

  2. The reason why Bloomie was given so much deference by the DNC and the media is specifically because he is a billionaire and this country does love its billionaires. They became billionaires because they’re so much better, stronger and faster than the rest of us, not because they were lucky or got away with breaking various and sundry laws on their way to being billionaires. Welcome to America.

    • The DNC changed the rules so Bloomberg could come out from…under where?
      …I’ll see myself out…

    • I will always be baffled how the ultra wealthy have effectively brainwashed the whole country to worship them when they should rioting against them with torches and pitchforks.

  3. Probably a stupid idea, but maybe Bloomberg is acting as the Donald Trump sized target for the other guys? He’s basically Donald Trump, except wealthier right? It makes no sense for him to run with all his sexist, racist, and classist shit right? But he’s injecting his money into the Democratic Party and making himself the whipping boy for…everybody. Even Klobuchar has dunked on him, right?

    • I doubt he is doing it on purpose but I love him in that role haha.

  4. Mike Bloomberg is the Juicero of Election 2020.

    He’s a startup idea that funders and media get all excited about, while regular people are like “Oh, cool, you invented a juicer for $700” and then Elizabeth Warren squeezes the pulp out of him while his PR team screams “NO! You can’t get the juice out that way!!!!!”

  5. I can’t remember anything non sports related that I have enjoyed more than Warren bitch slapping bloomie. How his PR staff let him get up there at all is beyond me. He has more skeletons than he does closets in houses and they were bound to come up. His entire campaign is just an exercise in unnecessary hubris.

    • Bloomberg Staffer: Sir this is stupid. You’re going to bleed money all over the country and people don’t like you. This is going to drag up all kinds of shit you don’t want brought up. It’s a horrible idea.

      Bloomberg Staffer: Yes sir!

      • I found this stuck in a pending-purgatory…but on the upside it gave me the chance to learn how to use that bit of the system to persuade the .gif to embed, so there’s swings & roundabouts?

  6. “Mike Bloomberg is Ja Rule screaming ‘NO, MONICA!’ as a field of Doms and Bryans pass him by. He’s Rita Repulsa claiming she’s got a headache after losing again.”

    The internet cannot sufficiently convey my enjoyment of these lines. Bravo.

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