Yesterday we covered the American League. Today we’re tackling the National League, the Senior Circuit, as it’s known. This year, it features the DH, which is fun if you like offense (and not fun if you like wildly overmatched pitchers making fools of themselves at the plate.) Note that all predictions are based on a season actually happening which, LOL, doesn’t look so hot after last night’s debacle. Dr. Fauci’s proper 6-feet of separation opening pitch aside, of course. That guy is the best.
NL East
Atlanta Covid Ward
2019 record: 97-65
Their average fan: Suburban white upscale sedan dad with 1.5 kids and 0.5 mistresses. Has never actually set foot within the city limits of Atlanta.
The team: They have an extremely exciting young core of talent, and while they were tabbed as an up and coming team, they arrived at the Land of Being Good a little early. Sadly, half of them have Covid-19 right now and this season is already going sideways.
The outlook: Probably not great!
Washington Nationals
2019 record: 93-69 (nice)
Their average fan: A mildly intoxicated and extremely belligerent Supreme Court justice sitting next to a political reporter who will not write a word about what he sees or hears at the game because Washington sucks.
The team: Like most people who move to D.C., the Nationals had a lot of promise but deeply underachieved and delivered little of what they promised. And then, suddenly, they stumbled ass-backward into a title, because apparently this is the century of World Series wins for everyone (except the Mariners; never the Mariners.)
The outlook: They should be good! Max Scherzer is amazing and always looks enraged, so #goals.
New York Mets
2019 record: 86-76
Their average fan: Bernie Madoff
The team: A few years ago, they were shaping up to have an incredible young core of talent. Unfortunately for them, the team’s owners are robber baron-era morons who told players to come back too soon from injury because they were mad about paying them for sitting out. This then caused — shocker — more and worse injuries and their championship window snapped shut. The owners are so bad that a) they got bilked by the aforementioned Mr. Madoff; b) they’ll be paying retired-in-2001 Bobby Bonilla a million-plus a year through next decade due to possibly the dumbest contract ever written and c) fans are actually excited about the possibility of Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez buying the team. When David Roth talks about this team breaking him, he’s not overstating the case.
The outlook: I mean, it’s the Mets; they’re less a baseball team than they are a philosophical debate over the nature of human suffering.
Philadelphia Phillies
2019 record: 81-81 (aka the Thanos)
Their average fan: A man in rags, covered in excrement, swearing wildly and throwing batteries at Keanu Reeves, who’s just there on his own dime to host a charity event for orphans with cancer.
The team: They were supposed to have Put Some Things Together last year but instead deeply underachieved. Thankfully Bryce Harper’s deal only has 9 years left, so that should work out well with a patient fanbase like Philly’s.
The outlook: Another Covid ward in waiting here. They’ll go 30-30 (assuming they get a full season).
Miami Marlins
2019 record: Wait, they’re still in the league? We sure about this?
Their average fan: Noooooo, you’re pulling my leg. There’s no way baseball allowed that shitshow of a franchise to … no shit! They’re still kicking!
The team: Some guys, I imagine. Baseball players, probably? Not good ones I assume, but I’m sure they’re trying their best.
The outlook: Derek Jeter’s adios gift basket to the franchise is gonna be ahhhh-maaaazzing.
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
2019 record: Nah.
Their average fan: They’re the self-proclaimed Best Fans in Baseball and do things The Cardinal Way. Look closer, though. What they really like to do is Wave Their Guns at Protesters outside their mansion and Say Some Pretty Racist Shit about everyone who doesn’t live in their gated neighborhood and Eat Some Garbage They Call Pizza But Is Actually Ketchup On a Fucking Overgrown Communion Wafer while pretending they live in a Big City but really they live in shitty-ass suburbs because One Time They Had To See a Black Person And It Was Terrifying.
The team: I ain’t done yet. Your arch is stupid, your white people defended Darren Wilson like he was their fuckin’ kin, your governor wants to kill your kids but is gonna get elected again and your “Show Me” act wore thin about 60 years ago. Just a dumpster fire as far as the eye can see.
The outlook: Hold up, I got more for your hick-ass racist trash heap. Never, EVER forget that St. Louis got big because of river traffic and the fact that everyone traveling west stopped there on the way out. That’s right: Your city’s a highway rest area on the way to better places. You’re a fuckin’ Roy Rogers, St. Louis.
*deep breath*
Anyway, they should be pretty good this year and are probably bound for the playoffs. The Cardinal Way!
Milwaukee Brewers
2019 record: 89-73
Their average fan: Three bills, shirtless, drunk, has a bratwurst in his hand. He’s an absolutely amazing hang.
The team: The Brewers are the good universe version of the Tampa Bay Rays. They’re a mid-market team that actually tries to use their talent to, y’know, win some games and go on playoff runs and stuff. Their fans absolutely look like they’re having a blast at their games. Honestly, I’m a little jealous of the whole thing.
The outlook: They should be decent again, so beer me!
Chicago Cubs
2019 record: 84-78
Their average fan: Edward R. Rooney
The team: Bad ownership has made a few appearances in this here preview and we must turn our eyes to the Ricketts family, which has an estimated gazillion dollars but has nickel-and-dimed the beloved Cubs ever since they won their first title in 100+ years — or since Kellyanne Conway was a teenager.
The outlook: Get excited for another 108 years of futility! Kellyanne will be working for Donzaga Trump III by then.
Cincinnati Reds
2019 record: 75-87
Their average fan: A sentient pool of Skyline Chili that shouts “GO BUCKEYES!”
The team: A bizarrely constructed Franken-team, the Reds were expected to be pretty bad last year and they were … decent? Yankees disaster Sonny Gray turned out to be awesome for them. They play in a wiffle ball park and some of their guys took advantage by smashing a ton of dongs last year. Dongs everywhere. It was like being backstage with Louis C.K. at a comedy club.
The outlook: Some pundits are picking them as a fun dark horse to make the playoffs this year, and why not. It’s not like Cincy has anything else going on.
Pittsburgh Pirates
2019 record: 69-93 (nice)
Their average fan: “GO STILLERS!”
The team: Yet another team that doesn’t believe in spending money under any circumstances. Broke your bat? Sorry, gotta bring in one from home. Foul ball? Don’t look at them for a replacement. The owners are gonna have players Zoom into games by the third week of the season to save on travel costs.
The outlook: Their stadium might have the best view in all of baseball, but don’t expect the same from the Yinz brigade.
NL West
Los Angeles Dodgers
2019 record: 106-56
Their average fan: “Bobby. Booobbbb-eeeee. Baby! C’mon, Bobby, come join me at CAA, baby!”
The team: While every other team has come up with fun buzzwords for “being cheap as hell,” the Dodgers are out here keeping the entire baseball economy afloat by themselves. They are the “Money printer go brrrr” meme come to life. They wanted an outfielder; only Mookie Betts would do for $365 million. The team needed a new plane; the Dodgers bought SpaceX and Boeing. They may yet move the team if owners can work out a deal to purchase the Moon. Anyway, they are absolutely loaded at every position and have the weird throwback notion that winning, not saving 4.7% on overhead costs, is the goal of baseball.
The outlook: Unfortunately for the Dodgers, they have not yet reached the big prize. They’ve been soooo close, but came up just a smidge short against a we-thought-they-were-good-now-we-know-they-were-cheating Astros team in ’17 and then a dominant Red Sox squad in ’18. This could be their year.
Arizona Diamondbacks
2019 record: 86-77
Their average fan: Martha McSally
The team: I feel like I know basically nothing about this team. So I’ll just flash back to when they broke the back of the Yankees dynasty in 2001. God, that was great. Even better: They spoiled the 9/11 narrative that would have somehow made the Yankees even more detestable. Mmm, yeah, I need a cigarette after that.
The outlook: They should be pretty good! I think! Maybe!
San Francisco Giants
2019 record: 77-85
Their average fan: A tech guy who received $1.3 trillion in startup capital for coming up with the idea of Uber, but for easy chairs. Also thinks Barry Bonds did nothing wrong even though his head is now the size of Cinderella’s pumpkin coach.
The team: Formerly from New York, they’re basically the same as every other dweeb that moves to California: They think they’re now chill and cool but they’re still just an neurotic mess in sunglasses.
The outlook: They’re probably going to be bad this year, but they have a nice stadium, so the view won’t be so bad.
Colorado Rockies
2019 record: 71-91
Their average fan: A ruggedly handsome guy in a plaid shirt under a fleece vest under a down parka under a ski jacket under a snowsuit.
The team: Still struggling to find pitchers who can succeed in the high altitude.
The outlook: Another lousy team with a great stadium view. It doesn’t seem like those two things should be connected, but maybe the Rangers are on to something by building an ugly barn in the middle of a field.
San Diego Padres
2019 record: 70-92
Their average fan: Marine Todd
The team: This was supposed to be a transition year. The Padres have stunk for a while but they shelled out for Manny Machado last season and have some young talent on the rise. They might be halfway decent this year?
The outlook: Petco Park is a place where dongs go to die. But don’t sleep on these guys — they might be in playoff contention … because, Rob Manfred, commissioner extraordinaire, announced on OPENING DAY that half the league might make the playoffs this year. LM-fucking-AO.
Shit, though, now I gotta go back and pick 16 fucking playoff teams? Jesus H. Christ, here goes:
AL playoff teams
Yankees
Rays
White Sox
Twins
Cowboys
Miami Heat
Suwon Bluewings
Astros
NL playoff teams
Nationals
Phillies
Brewers
Las Vegas Aces
Reds
Dodgers
Nova Squadron
Bobby Bonilla
World Series winner: Your favorite team is gonna win. Congrats!
I’m cry.
Also, can we leave the personal attacks out of this? “Like most people who move to D.C., the Nationals had a lot of promise but deeply underachieved and delivered little of what they promised.“
I did say “most” 😀
I feel super attacked right now.
JAYSUS.
I love you for the Cardinals write-up. That’s pure Deadspin/Magary-channeled disdain.
I hate you for reminding me that Martha McSally exists.
Thank you! And in all seriousness, the bit about St. Louis really inspired the whole thing.
Bonnie and Clod* is the new Cardinals fan meme supplementing the forever classic “Get a Brain Moran.”
*Bonnie should sue Clod for pointing the AR-15 at her. Nothing says I love you like an AR-15 pointed at your head and my finger on the trigger.
The Gigantes have a new idiot apparently, some dumbass named Coonrod won’t kneel except before gawd when players took a knee to honor BLM. Gawddamn that’s a stupid fuck.
NO! Don’t take this away from me! Not now!
If the ‘mazing Mess is going to put pictures of fake Mess fans in the stands then I suggest the following:
