Yes, finally, our National Pastime — apparently it’s not racism! — is back for a few games before it inevitably gets halted due to coronavirus. Anyway, here is a totally deep preview of the American League; tomorrow I’ll hit the National League or “Senior Circuit” as it’s known, because its fans are even older and more Boomer-y about stuff.
THE AL EAST
New York Yankees
2019 record: 103-59
Their average fan: This team is the gold standard for front-running dipshits. Despite that, their average fan is Vinny, a racist Staten Island resident who flunked the NYPD exam and whose best attempt at a mustache can only be called “wispy” at best.
The team: They used a giant financial advantage to pretend they were a classy franchise for decades. Then they got bought by George Steinbrenner, a paranoid psychopath who was a far better fit.
The outlook: They spent $900 million on several lab-created mutants engineered to hit dingers and 12 incredible bullpen arms, but neglected to get a starting rotation. Sadly, they’ll probably go far and excite just the worst people if the playoffs happen.
Tampa Bay Rays
2019 record: 96-66
Their average fan: “Hi, I’d like a roast beef and cheddar, one order of curly fries…”
“Uh, sir, this isn’t an Arby’s. This is a stadium. The Tampa Bay Rays play here.”
(sound of tires squealing as a car speeds out of the parking lot)
The team: A more traditional baseball writer would put some inspiring tosh here about underdogs and pluckiness and plucky underdogedness, but nah. They’re a garbage outfit that spends 1/12th of the Yankees steroid budget every year. Plus, they play in a shithole dome that’s most interesting feature is the ironclad contract that keeps them stuck there eternally.
The outlook: As always, they should be the worst team in the league and they’ll almost assuredly overachieve before trading away anything of value by August.
Boston Red Sox
2019 record: 84-78
Their average fan: Tawmy, a racist Charlestown resident who flunked the Boston PD exam and whose best attempt at a mustache can only be called “scraggly” at best.
The team: Unlovable losers for several decades, the team was last in the league in having a Black player (1959) signing a Black free agent (1993) and treating Blacks as well as whites (3794).
The outlook: Two years ago, the Red Sox had one of the best seasons in MLB history. Last year, their owner (worth $3 billion) cried poverty before trading the team’s best player since Ted Williams for a guy with a broken back. Did I mention the $3 billion thing? So, yeah, I’d say the outlook ain’t so hot, chief.
“Toronto” Blue Jays
2019 record: 67-95
Their average fan: “Oh, yeah, I like the Jays, sure. Gotta have something to do before Leafs season gets going, eh?”
The team: They have several young players who are supposed to be quite good, including the absolute unit son of folk hero Vlad Guerrero. Legend has it Vladdy Daddy once hit a 800-foot home run off Roger Clemens in the SkyDome.
The outlook: Here’s where it gets a little dark. Canada is apparently saying “Hard pass” on them playing there; other teams are also telling the Jays “Sourrey, but no” about playing road games. Where’s Bari Weiss to shriek incoherently about being canceled when you need her?!
Baltimore Orioles
2019 record: 54-108
Their average fan: Omar Little … ’s cousin’s friend’s sister’s dog’s walker’s brother. His name is Jim.
The team: They’re in a “rebuilding” phase and they’re doing a nice job of losing games.
The outlook: The losing games part is going great. The finding new talent bit isn’t coming quite as well, but hey, Camden Yards!
AL Central
Minnesota Twins
2019 record: 101-61
Their average fan: Oh yeah, you betcha!
The team: A surprise package last year, they had 8 players hit 20+ homers last year with a ball that definitely wasn’t what they call “hot dish” up there in Minnesota.
The outlook: If the ball is bouncy again this year, they could have another nice season. If not, well, they may have to work on their passive-aggressive game and win by politely insulting other teams.
Cleveland “Indians”
2019 record: 93-69
Their average fan: Mark, a 55-year-old businessman who lives in Lakewood and loves his Indians, and he just happens to have 27 Native American friends and none of them, yeah that’s right, not ONE OF THEM thinks the name is a problem, and it’s TRAGIC how they’re erasing his good friends from the TRIBE and the HISTORY of the game, and none of them are OFFENDED, and why are the lib snowflakes trying to ERASE the great TRADITION the HONOR and RESPECT of the name…
The team: Like the NBA’s New York Knicks, Cleveland has a Dolan for an owner. Incredibly, they have a *worse* Dolan than the trash-fire Knicks do. I know, seems impossible, but their Dolan has openly admitted he won’t re-sign his best young player and he actively tried to trade away other assets to save money on an already moderate payroll.
The outlook: This team should be one of the best in the majors. They won’t be.
Chicago White Sox
2019 record: 72-89
Their average fan: Scientists theorize that the team has fans, but to date, they have only been seen in lab-created conditions.
The team: They are the Chicago team that is not the Cubs.
The outlook: Good? I think? Chicago’s a nice town. I’m sure their stadium is cool (assuming they have a stadium?)
Kansas City Royals
2019 record: 59-103
Their average fan: A large barbecue stain on a Chiefs jersey
The team: Their GM brought in anti-porn activists to speak to the team in 2018, so things have been a little tense lately.
The outlook: A few years ago this long-time doormat shocked everyone by getting good and even winning the World Series. While tornadoes are common in Kansas (or Missouri, who’s to say), don’t expect lightning to strike twice.
Detroit Tigers
2019 record: 47-114
Their average fan: An empty home in need of some repairs just outside downtown Detroit.
The team: Sold for spare parts to a Japanese conglomerate.
The outlook: My god, they lost 114 games last year! Abandon ship, repeat, all hands, abandon ship!
AL West
Houston Astros
2019 record: 107-55 (84-78 without trash cans)
Their average fan: A hedge fund manager who is ready to blockchain a new-look Ponzi scheme
The team: Nobody was happier about Covid-19 than the Astros, who could have expected a few dozen fastballs to the ribs had the season started normally. Instead, their already played-down scandal was buried beneath a way bigger and sadder story. Still, fuck these guys.
The outlook: If they’re good, everyone’s gonna hate them; if they’re bad, everyone’s gonna jump on them even harder for the BANG BANG BANG. Did I mention the “fuck these guys” bit yet? Yeah, good. OK.
Oakland Athletics
2019 record: 97-65
Their average fan: A drunk Raiders fan who wakes up from a Sunday stupor to find he’s behind sitting home plate for a Tuesday matinee.
The team: The OG “Moneyball” team. But look, other than ruining the game of baseball by turning it into a giant statistical regression managed by soulless accountants rather than something to be played and enjoyed, the A’s are downright inoffensive.
The outlook: Let you know as soon as we finish this equation.
Texas Rangers
2019 record: 78-84
Their average fan: Well-armed, minimally educated
The team: This was supposed to be a big year for the Rangers, featuring a brand new stadium. Those new digs were supposed to be quite a production. Instead the site looks like a Home Depot, sans the charm.
The outlook: The team is a year away from being a year away, but they are having a nice sale on mulch in the garden department out in right field.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anchorage, Alaska
2019 record: 72-90
Their average fan: Dana Rohrabacher
The team: Located in Anaheim, they claim to be in Los Angeles as if they’re a “The Californians” outtake on SNL or something. Also they have one of the greatest talent’s in the sport’s history on their team and they’re absolutely incapable of winning games or making him marketable. It would be more upsetting if I could remember what his name is … Tim, maybe, or George? Jim? Matt? He’s good. I swear it on Rob Manfred’s life.
The outlook: Not to be a total downer here, but I’m guessing at this point the original Rally Monkey is probably dead. (sad face)
Seattle Mariners
2019 record: 69-94
Their average fan: Highly caffeinated but morally compromised
The team: After the Nationals went all the way last year (remember that? I sure don’t!) the Mariners are now the only team in MLB to never even reach the World Series. That’s . . . really something.
The outlook: Somehow this perpetually OK team has churned out a metric assload of talent in my lifetime — Ken Griffey Jr. Alex Rodriguez, Randy Johnson, Ichiro, Edgar Martinez, Felix Hernandez. How the hell has this team not been in the Series?!
“Their average fan: Dana Rohrabacher”
Thank you for this. I still miss Deadspin.
#art.
Accurate.
I don’t care for baseball but I am enamored of your writing. The average fan descriptions are a joy to read, and because of this I Googled the Astro’s scandal. Wow – worse than the Patriot’s deflate-gate? (Yes, I know, different sport, but similar cheating scoundrels.)
Oh my goodness yeah, the Astros did waaaaaaaay worse things than what the Pats were accused of during deflate-gate. (FWIW, not a Pats fan but I still don’t think that was a scandal at all; however they also got off way too lightly for Spygate so it sort of evened out?)
The Astros cheated really badly and the commish barely slapped them on the wrist. Made a complete ass of himself in the process and then Covid hit … been a tough year for the ole beisbol.
You are a very funny guy. I don’t know what you do to pay your rent but it damn well oughta be comedy writing.
For the Vagabounds, a season to forget… especially where they’re playing.
Can’t play in TO, won’t play in Pittsburgh so it is down to the Wire, er B-more.
What a farce of a season in the face of a global pandemic.
Very Magary-esque. Kudos.