AI has officially come to Meta, Elon Musk’s Truth Social, Adobe, Google and many other places where it is both ineffective and obnoxious. But there are some excellent AI uses, many of which are still flying under the radar, and they are listed here.
1. outhouse.AI: Put your wiping on the blockchain!
2. wIpeAssist: Save time by wiping less with AI aid!
3. wipecleAIr: Fine tune your wiping process from start to finish!
4. toAIet: Let our AI find the closest bathroom to your position! Accurate 61% of the time!
5. shAIthouse: This AI assistant will help you take a shit.
6. metapoop: Virtual shitting in the metaverse!
7. peestream.ai: Let this AI test your pee for disease, just hold your phone in the stream! Accurate 14% of the time!
8. urinAI: Locate the cleanest urinal within a 7-mile radius.
9. flush.AI: Go with style and let your AI assistant flush without you having to do a thing! (Only works with flush.AI-equipped toilets expected to hit market in Summer 2026, MSRP: $17,550)
10. OpenAss AI: Let this AI test your fecal matter for disease, just smear some on the screen. Accurate 12% of the time!
11. kwiltedAI: Use AI to photograph your asshole and then figure out which toilet paper is best for you.
12. meta-p-AI: Virtual peeing in the metaverse!
13. ColoRectAI: Test for colon cancer! Accurate 7.2% of the time!
14. kleAInr: AI assistant that uses LLM data to figure out if your toilet needs to be cleaned.
15. reAI.or.fake: Data model that lets you know if you actually need to take a No. 2 or if your intestines are just messing with you. Results available in 45 minutes or less!
16. piss.grAIve: This AI model searches for tombstones worth pissing on within 100 miles of you. Accurate to within 16 miles of gravesite.
17. stonebrAIkr: Eliminate kidney stones with this AI model! (Only works with stonebrAIkr ultrasound equipment; phone model expected to hit market by Winter 2037, MSRP: $157,580)
18. kidnAIy: Test your kidney function and even perform dialysis at home with this AI model! Dialysis effective 0% of the time!
19. hern.ai: Find and repair hernias with this AI surgeon! Just hold it up to your skin!
20. bullsht.AI: Photograph your poop and let our AI model tell you what it most looks like.
21. bus.AI: Let our AI model show you what would happen if you get hit by a bus!
22. totAI.bullsht: God this is all so stupid and depressing and guaranteed to fail miserably.
HAL9000?
Skynet?
Datebot?
At least two of those are real AIs that work in the far-off future. This list is more about where AI belongs.
Sort of work… if you don’t mind the murder and mayhem.
You laugh but there was an app that had many (not all, certainly) somewhat public restrooms in Manhattan. So all the Starbucks before they booted the bathroom stall residents, and the filthy public restrooms in places like Port Authority and Penn Station. I actually contributed a location: the bathroom in the men’s shoe department at Ferragamo. Which, I will say, it’s not like we haunt Ferragamo, but one of Better Half’s fashion-obsessed friends put him on the hunt for something. I was desperately hungover so I asked to use the men’s room. It was the size of a large studio apartment and private, so you closed the door behind you and it was your own. Soothing music. Delightful scent. No crawling into a stall only to have the next one over be inhabited by some flatulent embarrassment. Heaven.
When I emerged Better Half said, “You look much better.”
I said, “That’s where the plastic surgery is done, like on ‘Logan’s Run’.”
I don’t laugh! I know those apps exist. It’s just now they would be called “AI” and work half as well.
Oh, I see! I missed the point. I’ve only used maybe three apps in my life and never AI, so far. I sometimes come across AI-generated gibberish, think “this is from the Jabberwock,” and move on.
I actually think there’s a strong chance AI will be useful for self driving robots to clean up gas station restrooms. The kinds of problem solving it can do to decide which stains need which cleansers and how best to prioritize time spent in a chaotic environment where expectations are low is exactly what it’s good for. It only needs a 50% success rate to make people happy.
Just don’t ask it to drive a real car.