New Years Resolutions (For Other People)

Let the following hereby be resolved:

My big dog shall no longer be afraid of literally everything and shall never again get trapped in my office by a medium sized piece of plastic;

Google Direct Share shall realize that if I’m sending a picture it’s probably going to my wife and not that one twitter account that interacted with me two years ago;

That cool eagle at the dog park will pose when I bring my camera instead of when I don’t;

People shall stop wandering into my closed to the public business looking for the giant yoga studio on the other side of the street;

The people looking for the optometrist are ok though;

My Mailman shall no longer leave packages leaning against the locked door of my business on weekends nor on main street in front of my house;

The restaurant across the street shall decide if it’s open or out of business;

MORE SNOW.

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44 Comments

  1. My cat shall decide 4:30 is too early to wake up during dst.

    My kid shall master sleeping in on weekends.

    Other people shall learn to park properly, in the marked spaces.

  2. The American people shall learn how to get off of their fucking asses and vote, preferably for someone who isn’t there to represent billionaires.

    Reese’s and Sam Adams shall learn what fucking season it is. I don’t want peanut butter eggs* yet, and I don’t want your Spring Seasonal! Give me a peanut butter heart for Valentine’s or some shit, and let me drink Winter Lager…DURING THE FUCKING WINTER!

    Bloggers on Twitter shall stop posting JPEG screenshots of a string of text and comment about it as if everyone is supposed to magically know the source. “LOOK WHAT THIS IDIOT SAID” followed by a screenshot doesn’t do much. My outrage will differ wildly depending on whether that came from the Washington Post, Crazy Eddie’s Discount NOOZ blog, or a Bazooka Joe comic.

    Mrs. Funk shall learn to stop asking “What’s wrong?” THE WORLD IS ENDING AND EVERYONE IS EITHER EVIL OR STUPID WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING ANYMORE THAT’S WHAT’S FUCKING WRONG!?

    Mr. Funk shall learn to calm the fuck down and enjoy these last few years of our species, and appreciate Mrs. Funk some more.

    *-i’m lying, I ALWAYS want peanut butter eggs, but still.

    • …you’ve got my vote

      …except about the conjunction of peanut butter & chocolate

      …call it cultural intransigence but I just can’t cope with both at the same time

      …but the real question about chocolate eggs is & always shall be:

        • …I know – it’s a personal failing…I eat marmite, too…

          peanut butter, fine…chocolate, fine…peanut butter+chocolate…umm, thank you but no?

          I’m the same way about Coke & whisk(e)y…

              • …I’ve come around to the idea of the old-fashioned as, funnily enough, I’ve aged

                …either a sign of wisdom & maturity or a side-effect of not being able to afford whisk(e)y of a comparable vintage to myself…the jury’s out.

                • I’ve got to try an Old Fashioned. I was happy with your champagne cocktail rec so I’m trusting that you have better taste in adult beverages than food.

                    • I’d be making it at home more often than not. I do live in bourbon country though so the options, even at bars and restaurants, are endless. Faced with so many choices I usually panic and go with Makers.

                  • …also, I’m with Manny about the results being pretty dependent on what you start out with – no need to go nuts but I think maybe a step up from Makers might be in order

                    …I know one or two people who’d refer to that – or it’s scotch equivalent – as “kitchen whisk(e)y” of the sort you might put in a cake or a sauce rather than a cocktail?

                    …I know it sounds like a snob kinda distinction it really isn’t – as with most things involving booze there’s a wealth of variation available in just that variable so if you find a recipe that works for you you can then either tweak it or the whisk(e)y to suit your taste on the day

                    • For sure, Maker’s isn’t great bourbon. I just know what to expect. I like Woodford Reserve better but even the number of varieties of WR is overwhelming. There is row after row of bourbons in the liquor stores here. I’m not good at making decisions faced with so many choices.

            • some people (okay, lots of people…) say peanut butter & chocolate is a sensational combination…

              many people often like to remind me that the overwhelming preponderance of opinion suggests that for as long as mankind has existed (& quite possibly for a good chunk of time before that, even…) vegetables have not only been a valuable part of a healthy diet but a mainstay of nutritional goodness that is not merely a graceful accompaniment but a positive asset to any dish…

              you may all very well be right…

              but for my money if something on the plate (or in the bowl/on the tray/in the warapper/whatever) wasn’t at some stage capable of getting around under its own steam then in my (apparently not even remotely humble) opinion the best you can be looking at is a snack…

              & in extremis quite possibly mere rabbit food…

              so I’m immensely fond of vegetarians (& even vegans) since I need several dozens of them to offset my personal carbon-footprint diet-wise…

            • …my thoughts are firstly that I’m not sure if they’ll ever make it past thoughts, honestly…but upon reflection…chilli & chocolate shouldn’t work but it does…mayple syrup & bacon ought to be an abomination instead of a breakfast time favorite…I just recently admitted (in public) to making sandwiches with no butter in which vegemite is employed to keep the bacon & fried egg from sliding out from between the slices of toast

              …it takes all sorts, is I guess where I’m going with this?

            • I have made some gourmet grilled cheeses (smoked gouda, applewood bacon, and blue cheese on wholegrain sourdough), but that does not sound like something…appetising. Does she use, like, a camembert or something mild?

  3. I’ve got a lot of dog park resolutions for others!

    People –

    will start picking up their dog’s shit

    stop letting their small children supervise the dogs, they can’t and I’m sick of watching both their dogs and kids

    will watch their dogs instead of walking, it’s not day care or the gym

    stop make excuses for their dogs aggression, I don’t care if your dog was attacked by a German Shepherd once, it still doesn’t get to terrorize every shepherd mix at the park

    stop getting pissed off when other dogs steal their expensive Frisbees and Chuck It balls, don’t bring any toy to the park that you’re afraid of losing, my dog and her pals don’t recognize ownership

  4. …also, I’m with Manny about the results being pretty dependent on what you start out with – no need to go nuts but I think maybe a step up from Makers might be in order

    …I know one or two people who’d refer to that – or it’s scotch equivalent – as “kitchen whisk(e)y” of the sort you might put in a cake or a sauce rather than a cocktail?

    …I know it sounds like a snob kinda distinction it really isn’t – as with most things involving booze there’s a wealth of variation available in just that variable so if you find a recipe that works for you you can then either tweak it or the whisk(e)y to suit your taste on the day

    • I tend to find that the best solution is just to only make an old fashioned with booze that you’d happily drink on its own. Other cocktails can integrate lower quality bourbon successfully, but that isn’t one of them.

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