Official deadsplinter Democratic Primary Power Rankings

1.Amy Klobuchar

Had a great week, rocketing up to a strong 5th place in Iowa projections. If she keeps this up, she’ll be in perfect position to strike come next election season.

2. Puppy

Really impressed the voters with their dedication to national security by chasing a scary bird off of the deck.

3. Andrew Yang

4. Elizabeth Warren

Not seeing the bump expected after her strong debate performance. Is this a sign that debates don’t really matter all that much at this point? Or that the pundit class is really out of touch with what voters are looking for? Or is it the voters who are wrong?

5. Bernie Sanders

His unfortunately timed rise in the Iowa polls is destined to peter out exactly one day short of caucuses. You’d think someone with his political history would know better than to be in first place this close.

6. Joe Biden

Mustang wouldn’t start, but he’ll be ok, just needs to kick it a couple more times.

7. Pete Butigeg

Unfortunately, he appears to be slowly recovering his memories from that botched Swaziland mission. If his original personality comes back, he might not be a good fit for the program anymore.




  1. You forgot to put “Getting hit by a bus” between Biden and Buttigieg.

  2. You forgot to put “Getting hit by a bus” between before Biden and Buttigieg.


    • If this were Kinja, this would have been good Kinja. This could have been yours, Herb… *sigh*

  3. I agree that the amount of “getting hit by a bus” in this article is, as of this writing, rather insufficient.

  4. Your methodology is more sound than anyone else’s.

  5. Puppy is really running a brilliant campaign and will crush donnie in debates. Plus, since puppy has no race or visible gender it’s gonna really confuse fox news and MAGAs as to how to hate & vilify it. Really just a perfect candidate.

    • I’ve been saying that if Elizabeth Warren promised to find every shelter animal a home and close every non no-kill facility on her first day as president, she would win in a landslide.

      I am only half joking.

    • If Puppy pisses on Dirty Donnie’s leg, will win in a landslide.

  6. Sorry to say, Puppy has been disqualified after an embarrassing faux pas proving it clearly doesn’t understand the basics of interacting with a human.

  7. Not puppy’s fault! It was an obvious attempt by Bloomberg to make puppy look stupid. Instead puppy is still adorable and has my vote.

  8. The title is sarcastic!

    I knew Pete was crooked, but there’s so much I didn’t know.

  9. Every goddamn election cycle, I gotta post this.

Leave a Reply