Official deadsplinter Democratic Primary Power Rankings

1.Amy Klobuchar

Had a great week, rocketing up to a strong 5th place in Iowa projections. If she keeps this up, she’ll be in perfect position to strike come next election season.

2. Puppy

Really impressed the voters with their dedication to national security by chasing a scary bird off of the deck.

3. Andrew Yang

4. Elizabeth Warren

Not seeing the bump expected after her strong debate performance. Is this a sign that debates don’t really matter all that much at this point? Or that the pundit class is really out of touch with what voters are looking for? Or is it the voters who are wrong?

5. Bernie Sanders

His unfortunately timed rise in the Iowa polls is destined to peter out exactly one day short of caucuses. You’d think someone with his political history would know better than to be in first place this close.

6. Joe Biden

Mustang wouldn’t start, but he’ll be ok, just needs to kick it a couple more times.

7. Pete Butigeg

Unfortunately, he appears to be slowly recovering his memories from that botched Swaziland mission. If his original personality comes back, he might not be a good fit for the program anymore.




  1. Puppy is really running a brilliant campaign and will crush donnie in debates. Plus, since puppy has no race or visible gender it’s gonna really confuse fox news and MAGAs as to how to hate & vilify it. Really just a perfect candidate.

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