Well, here we go, eh?
It looks like Drew’s Jamboroo is now a thing of the past, so I’m gonna carry on the legacy as long as I am able to not suck too bad at it.
So, on with the show!
Would you believe the intro is the hardest part of this article? Well it’s true. I work for a living, dammit. I don’t have the kind of time to write 5000 words on why the Williams-Sonoma catalog is insanity for anyone other than rich white people and idiots(though those two are often one in the same). My kid isn’t in school yet so he’s not having wacky adventures or bringing home new diseases. Today he demanded I play Mario Kart 8, so who am I to argue? He’s taking after me as far as gaming is concerned, so that makes me very happy. He enjoys when I watch LP’s, as he has come to love Waluigi. My favorite channel features a lot of Mario Party and Fortune Street games, and Waluigi is always involved.
The Games
Five Throwgasms!
Ravens @ Rams: Yep, the Ravens are getting 5 again. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Jackson is continuing to murder defenses all over the place, and the keen story about Eric Weddle not sharing Ravens secrets with the Rams is intriguing because of the implications, and given the Rams struggles, this game isn’t coming at the best time. They may wanna try breaking Weddle on the rack. It’s their only hope. Well, that and maybe Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Cowboys @ Patriots
Packers @ 49ers
Four Throwgasms
Panthers @ Saints: Carolina’s owner made it clear he’s not happy with sustained mediocrity. Well then, my friend, why on earth did you buy the Panthers?
Seahawks @ Eagles
Three Throwgasms
Jaguars @ Titans: Speaking of sustained mediocrity. These are two teams with the weirdest Quarterback situations in the league, and are having modest success in spite of it all. I mean, how can you beat the Jags, who have Big Dick Nick and White Goodman? Quite something.
Broncos @ Bills
Colts @ Texans
Two Throwgasms
Raiders @ Jets: At this point, I am forced to wonder just how long it’ll be before Le’Veon Bell is suspended. While his accusations sound like they certainly have merit, he’s not gonna do himself any favors. And of course the toothless NFLPA will surely be around for a finger wag at the league, but nothing will be done, because that’s how it works.
One Throwgasm
Lions @ Racists: We are neck-deep in the bad football weeds here, folks. Leave it to the Lions to blow chance after chance to put opponents away. The graphic last week showed that they were one of three teams to hold a lead in every game this year. The others are playoff teams. This means that when you’re doing that, you should be successful. Unless you’re the Lions.
Dolphins @ Browns
Bucs @ Falcons
Steelers @ Bengals
Giants @ Bears
Pregame Song that Makes Me Want to Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall
Yeah, it’s not their best song or off their best album, but it’s the song that was my gateway to my love of metal, so I don’t give a damn.
Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week
I mean, at this point I’m willing to go with anybody trying to stand up for Biff as each and every impeachment witness breaks down the defense, which is now making that akin to the Republicans just sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming “Nah nah nah, I can’t hear you!”
Magic Johnson’s Lock of the Week: Raiders -3
Oh man, I love a good show! You know I’ve seen all the Chucky movies, so this is gonna be a great follow up to the last one! Raiders gonna board the Jets and prepare for takeoff!
2019 Magic Record: 5-4-1
Fire this Asshole!
Jay Gruden—DEAD!
Doug Marrone
Dan Quinn
Pat Shurmur
Adam Gase
Freddie Kitchens
Zac Taylor
Anthony Lynn
Jason Garrett
Matt Patricia
Vic Fangio
Matt Nagy
Jim Tomsula’s lifehack of the week!
Make sure you harvest all the snow before it melts! Quicker than using your own water, and saves your water bill when you wanna make snowcones! Don’t worry about the yellow stuff either, just extra flavor!
Sunday Afternoon movie for Bengals fans: Rambo III (12:45, IFC)
Yep, Rambo III. Cold War cheesy tastiness mixed with Afghanistani revolutionaries, and Stallone’s trademark scowl. Though I think Charlie Sheen played it better.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote:
From now on, I’m gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you’re getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Enjoy the games, all.
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/xwejkn/no-one-collects-anything-anymore
The guy said he was worried the repair guy was going to be a long time. How come nobody from the company was staying in touch with the trapped people and giving them an ETA? At a minimum I’d think it’s a courtesy from either the building owner or the repair company. And you always have to think about this:
https://www.theonion.com/in-retrospect-i-guess-we-might-have-resorted-to-cannib-1819583474
It sounds like the guy didn’t wait until the last possible second, he just thought he was going to be in there for a while. What?
How did he get access to the elevator shaft? I know there is sometimes a panel in the ceiling that you *might* be able to open up, but that doesn’t give you access to the shaft below.
Dude, have you watch the Deadskins? They are the worst team in the league. They made the Jets look like a playoff team. If the Lions can’t beat them they should just shut down the team.
They should shut down the team anyway.
This old guy wonders what you’re referring to here. I liked my albums plenty back in the day, but never watched them, unless I was high which, to be fair, was not an unknown phenomenon.
Sounds like I should help you out; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let's_Play_(video_gaming)