Please Please Please!!!


Dear  Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern,

I know this might be a little far-fetched and seem like a joke but it is not.  Can you please adopt us?  Or at the very least, grant us political asylum?  You see, while you have been solving problems like guns and the Covid crisis, our government has been trying to kill us.  No really!   Our so called leader has decided that we should just tough it out, get it, get over it, or die.  Just make sure you keep going to work and buying stuff until you die.  Meanwhile, you seem to actually care about your people and believe in science.

Speaking of science, you believe in it and actually use it in your decisions.  We can only use science if it is profitable and fits our leaders’ and businesses’ agendas.    I know you were brought up a Mormon, but you actually realized that the religion you were brought up with didn’t quite align with your own beliefs and values.  Yeah, we can’t do that in our country.  Even though we supposedly have a separation of church and state, the truth is Christians get to make all our decisions now.

While you have shown progressive government and ideas can work, we still can’t even embrace the term progressive without being called socialists or communists.  Our country and our media are so broken that they can only digest getting back to not completely broken.  While your country encourages everyone to vote and gives everyone a voice, our government wants to pick who can vote and which votes to count.  New Zealand has many political parties and thrives on giving multiple perspectives and choices while ours is about picking the lesser of two evils.

In conclusion, I know that we are too many to adopt or allow into your country so maybe you can just annex the Pacific Northwest?  We have similar weather to you and do have some great people and businesses with similar values.  Hey, we grow great hops too just like you!  We have lots of native tribes & Polynesians that would love to live in a land that cares about them.  We don’t eat much and promise to clean up after ourselves.  Please just think about it?  If we really can’t make it work, do you happen to have any sway with Justin Trudeau?  He won’t return our calls and has locked us out. 

Love Your Biggest Fan,




    • Yep, I had just copied that line as well.
      Lies. Well-intentioned, but lies. Just go to a state park for all the evidence you will need.
      Other than that line, a solid proposal that I second.

  1. Dear US Amercia,
    Canada City has a very selective immigration system. It is easy to get residence here with high education standards.  We’d have to get really tough on those who went to Ivy League degree mills because the education is quite questionable and sketchy.  They’d let any moron in… (who has a shit ton of dough or born into the right family).  I suspect those who didn’t go to degree mills for the narcissistic, rich and powerful or religious schools like Liberty (Xtian) or Alabama (footbawl) would have a decent shot though.
    Of course, we could just take over places like the entire US west coast and Buffalo.  However, we’re not really crazy about annexing places besides native lands.  Hell we passed on taking over the Turks and Cacos islands three times!  And most of the Caribbean post WW1.  Although I suspect it wasn’t just being polite and probably had something to do with being afraid of a tinted populace… but I digress.
    Things might be difficult for some of you prospective Canada City folk as you would have to learn to buy milk in plastic bags, the slap shot, cultural passive aggression (Minnesotans would fit right in), to measure speed/weight/height in base 10 and say aboot.
    A more difficult question is how are you going to wash the CoVID off yourselves?  Sure we have our own tainted right wing spreader jackasses of both country club and rabid racist stripes (and I think at this point, we’d be more than happy to deport yours or fire them into the sun) but how would this work?
    Too many questions to be answered.
    Anyway, we wish you all the best as we keep the border shut down.
    Your truly,
    Canada City

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