Please Subscribe to My Food Porn

Hi! I’m former Takeout staff writer and current part-time pornographer Allison Robicelli. You may remember me from such articles as “I ate 35 Hot Pockets in 4 days to bring you these authoritative Hot Pocket rankings” and “I ate nothing but hydrated powders for 3 days to see what the future tastes like“. But today I’m here to tell you about my newest exciting endeavor: The Edible Erotic Adventures of Esmerelda Poppingcorn. 

On one fateful day back in 2016 — three whole years before I joined The Takeout —  I was lured into a deep, dark rabbit hole of niche erotica that changed my life. Before this day of unexpected discovery, I had no idea how many people wanted to have sex with Bigfoot, much less read about it! But there I was, devouring stories about people banging Bigfoot, before moving onto erotic tales about shape-shifting dinosaurs, anthropomorphic furniture, mythical bestiality, and oh so much more.

As I devoured these short stories, I couldn’t help but wonder: why had I read multiple tales about fucking couches, yet not a single one about food? Why were so many people keen to stick their dicks into upholstery, but put their willies away before they hit the kitchen? We’ve been throwing the term “food porn” around for ages, but where was the actual food porn? 

Though I’d never written fiction before, much less erotica, that evening I sketched out my first edible erotic short story: Ham in My Ass. Alas, 2016 was a simpler, more prudish time, and there was no way for me to explore the sensuality of porn products without sabotaging my burgeoning career as a “respectable” food writer. 

But things are different here in the year 2022! The seas are rising, the mountains are on fire, and society is collapsing. When I made the decision to skedaddle from G/O Media, I realized that it was finally time to make my pork-centric pornographic dreams come true. 

The Edible Erotic Adventures of Esmerelda Poppingcorn is a serialized erotic soap opera, made possible with the modern marvel that is Substack. I’ve never even bothered trying to get this published, because what I’ve written is 100% unpublishable, and I’m damn proud of that. By publishing my erotica on Substack, I’m free to write whatever I want, push the envelope as far as it can go, and (hopefully) get paid a fair wage for writing it. 

I’m sick and fucking tired of my writing being used to pad the pockets of men like Jim Spanfeller. I write my porn for the people, and hopefully, my people will have my back. I loved working for The Takeout, because I had the greatest readers in the entire goddamn world, but I hated working for G/O. The thing that kept me going there for two years, four months, and 12 days was my readers; my first priority has always been to make you guys happy, and I’m so grateful that you give me that opportunity. 

So many of you have followed me on Twitter and Instagram, and have supported my freelance writing in other publications. (If you’re interested, here’s my most recent for The Washington Post) And now, I’m hoping you’ll follow my erotic exploits over on Substack! Even if you’re not in a financial position to pay for an all-access subscription (I’ve been there, and I get it), you can sign up for a free subscription that will deliver every single chapter — minus the sex scenes — directly to your inbox every Thursday. Even without the food-based boning, it’s a damn good time! 

I’ll also be popping up here on Deadsplinter here every so often to guest post, so I hope to keep seeing you beautiful people here as well. This site came into existence only a few months into my Takeout tenure, and it’s been so wonderful seeing the spirit of our comments section’s golden age continue in a Kinja-free world. Thank you all so much for your continued support, and I hope to see you around!